YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!

I like cooking shows. Not all of them, but a lot of them: Iron Chef, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, The Great Food Truck Race, Good Eats, Diners/Drive-Ins & Dives, Cupcake Wars, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes...

I can't really stand to watch FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGE where it is often required for a team of contestants to carry a 6 foot+ tall cake across a room.  That shit is nerve wracking! Who needs one GIANT cake?!  Just gimme two or three regular sized cakes instead.  Plus cake fondant kinda gives me the creeps. 

What exactly is that stuff made out of anyway?

CHOPPED is a fascinating show on the Food Network.  If you're unfamiliar, this is a cooking show, where a group of chefs must create culinary masterpieces from  a "mystery basket" of food items. There are 3 rounds (appetizer, entree and desert).  After each round a team of judges decides who will be CHOPPED for failing to come up with a decent plate of food.  The winning chef gets to take home $10,000. 

Often times the "mystery basket" contains a bizarre mish-mash of (usually 4) food items like: Vienna Sausages, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, Kumquats and a tube of Dora the Explorer toothpaste.

No matter what kind of miracle cuisine these chefs come up with, there's always at least one judge that finds something wrong:

"The way you rendered the Vienna Sausages diluted that distinct pig scrotum flavor and I really missed that."

"With the toothpaste, you really missed an opportunity to use the fluoride to enhance the taste of the kum in the quat."

Ha! Ha! SCROTUM!

Recently FOX debuted the second season of MASTER CHEF or is it MasterChef  (one word)?  A show I enjoyed immensley last summer.  I think Gordon Ramsay is fantastic and is actually a big softie compared to the image he often projects on his other shows (Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares).

MasterChef is like American Idol for cooking enthusiast.   Not professional chefs as much as people who like to tinker around in their kitchens.  Contestants face a variety of challenges from peeling the perfect apple to cooking upperscale cafeteria food for large groups of people. The winner receives a lucrative publishing and endorsement deal.  

The only thing I really can't stand about the show is judge Graham Elliot.  You'd think as a fellow fatty I'd identify with him, perhaps admire and/or look up to him... but for some reason I cannot stand the man.



I just want to smack those damned white framed glasses off of his smug face.

And that hat makes you look like a douchebag too!