Friday, December 30, 2011

2011 NATIVITY MAP

I came in 3rd for the first annual HEY! LOOK AT MY TOYS! ACTION FIGURE NATIVITY SCENE contest.  I thought it might be nice to do a key of some kind for those who were curious about any of the figures in my photo. 



1. The Angel is a BUZZ-OFF action figure from Mattel's 2002 Masters of the Universe line. 

2. The Virgin Mary is being portrayed by Jenna Jameson.  Are you shocked that they made a Jenna Jameson action figure?  Shocked that I own one?  Or shocked at how NOT shocked you are that I own one?

3. Joseph - He am Bizarro from the 90s animated Superman series.

4. Baby Jesus had chosen the form of the destructor... a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man minimate.

5. The 3 wise men are: Beldaar Conehead, Earthworm Jim, and the Buddy Christ - in santa hats! The Buddy Christ in the Santa hat... works on so many levels.

6. The Little Drummer Boy is the drummer from the world famous CALIFORNIA RAISINS.

7. The Dinosaur comes courtesy of Fischer-Price.

8. PANTHOR is from the current Masters of the Universe Classics collection  I had really hope to avoid using multiple toys from the same toylines... but I only cheated a little with this one and the ol' bee man.

9. The dog is from the classic Fischer-Price Little People series.  This style was retired twenty-some years ago... but still rocks today, compared to what FP calls Little People these days. 

YOU GUYS SUCK!


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

WHERE MY TOYS AT? #2: SPACEBALLS


If there is one line of toys that I am disappointed never happened it's got to be SPACEBALLS: THE ACTION FIGURES!  I mean c'mon... they were in the actual movie... and nothing! We got nothing!

Then during the late 90s/early 00s craze of toy companies picking up licenses for all sorts of 80s films: Beetlejuice, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Bob & Doug McKenzie, etc., etc. etc.  I thought for sure one of those franchises would have to be SPACEBALLS.  And still we got bupkis. 

I mean come on... couldn't they have at least been an FAO SHWARZ exclusive? See what I did there?


Shit! I hate it when my SCHWARTZ gets twisted!

And then with the announcement of an animated SPACEBALLS series... my hopes were once again to be risen... only to be dashed when I actually saw an episode of the show. 



Dear God... it was awful.
 I guess little plastic versions of Barf, Dark Helmet, Princess Vespa, Lone Star and Yogurt were just never meant to be.

That is, of course, unless they finally get around to making SPACEBALLS 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPACEBALLS 2.   Rick Moranis would probably come out of retirement for that, right?


__________________________________________________

Sunday, July 31, 2011

KINGDOM OF THE DISCO SKULL

For the uninitiated let me explain Diamond Comics' PREVIEWS catalog.  The PREVIEWS catalog is a monthly publishing offered to comic book stores that allows them a sneak peek at upcoming items.  For comic books it's usually 2 months in advance.  For other stuff it can sometimes be 4, 6 or even 12 months before some of the toys, graphic novel collections, statues, etc. will see the light of day. 

Fortunately my local comic book store gives regular customers, like myself, one of these catalogs for FREE.  Which is great, because some stores will charge you the 4.95 cover price... no matter how much you spend in their store. 

I used to refer to new PREVIEWS day as a monthly Christmas.  In the late 90s the thing was practically phone book sized.  These days it is about the size of a large magazine.  Which means it still filled with all kinds of crazy stuff.  I have decided to start a regular column here about some of the CRAZIER shit I find in the pages of PREVIEWS.  This first entry features items from the JULY catalog for items shipping in September 2011.
"I'M BACON!"


Let's kick it off with a little item called MY FIRST BACON! Why not? MFB is a googly-eyed, 19" plush toy in the form of a bacon strip! Ooh... and he talks too! The only thing that would make this better is if he were edible.  (SRP $20)



If anthropomorphic pork products aren't your thing... perhaps I can interest you in a DISCO BALL SHAPED LIKE A SKULL?! (SRP $50)

This is either the creepiest dance club accessory ever OR the coolest Skeletor variant Mattel has come up with thus far!

I usually roll my eyes when I see those pricey inflatable yard decorations people put in their yeards for Christmas or Halloween... but this... this... I would want.


WHAT DID YOU DO RAY?
 
An EIGHT AND A HALF FOOT tall, inflatable STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN! MOTHER PUS BUCKET!
 
 
 
How about a $9 box of crackers? No? What if they were made of people?
 
NOW you're interested, aren't you!
 
What do you put on SOYLENT GREEN crackers? Clothing?
 
 
The best way to end anything is with the letter "Z" as in ZOMBIE... ZOMBIE HOMER SIMPSON!
 

($20) Available in up to size 2XL

___________________________________

Sunday, July 17, 2011

WE'RE #1 (or #2?)!


Just looking over my comic book order for SEPTEMBER 2011 I see I have requested EIGHTEEN books that are kicking off with issue ONE! Most of this is due to the relaunch/reboot/recycling of the DC Comics' Universe... in which the month of September will see 52 brand spanking new #1 issues.

However there are some other noteworthy #1 releases that are not being released by the folks at DC. I thought that I might direct your atttention towards a few of them.

In September DARK HORSE kicks off season 9 of it's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER comic book. Season 8 ran for 40 issues, will season 9 be equal in length? Only creator Joss Whedon probably knows for certain. Prior to season 9's launch in September, August sees the debut of ANGEL & FAITH #1... and you may be surprised to learn that this Buffy-verse spinoff is an ongoing series. Huh. Who saw that one coming?  

Not this Slayer fan that's for sure. However I am highly pleased that the entire crew of the Buffy-verse is back under one publisher.   Hopefully the stories will be good enough to erase some of the memories of IDW's ANGEL season 6.  WTF was up with that goldfish, anyway?

Who ya gonna call in September?  That's right... it is finally here, the debut of an ongoing GHOSTBUSTERS comic book series from the folks at IDW.

With GB fan favorite artist Dan Schoening handling the interiors, and at least one of the slew of variant covers that will be available for each issue.  IDW has announced that each issue will feature a "classic album" variant cover by artist Nick Runge.  Issue 1 is an homage to KISS.  Issue 2 features the GBs walking down Abbey Road.  And issue 3 pays tribute to the cover of Queen's second album QUEEN II, an image also later made famous in their Bohemian Rhapsody video. 

The series is being written by Erik Burnham, who did an excellent job on the GHOSTBUSTERS part of IDW's multi-title event - INFESTATION.

As I've written and vlogged before, the GHOSTBUSTERS comics so far, have been hit or miss for me.   If you can find 'em... track down the "Legion" four issue GB mini-series from 88MPH Studios.  And IDWs "Displaced Agression" four parter is pretty decent too.

The monthly GB comic will also include regular backup material, in the form of case files being reviewed by Walter "Dickless" Peck. 

The success of a book like GHOSTBUSTERS depends highly on sales, particularly pre-sales, so I encourage you to find your nearest comic book shop and pre-order your monthly GHOSTBUSTERS fix.  Perhaps one of each cover... just to make it safe.

IDW is also launching (tee hee) a new ongoing STAR TREK comic in September.  This monthly series is set in the continuity of the 2009 film and will take a look at the new Enterprise crew as they embark on missions that re-imagine stories from the original tv series.  

Along with GHOSTBUSTERS and STAR TREK... IDW is introducing a new TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
comic.  Issue 1 actually hits in August, with issue 2 scheduled for September.  Original TMNT creator Kevin Eastman is co-writing the series.  In addition to these new TMNT adventures, IDW will also be reprinting many of the hard to find original TMNT books into collectible hardcovers.  RADICAL!

Sheesh! Is nothing sacred?!
Naturally my order form also includes many  (ELEVEN) of the relaunched DC titles.  As a comic book nerd I can't help it.  You've got to admit it'll be kind of cool to have NEW #1 issues of books like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc.   However I am kind of disappointed that the new costume designs mean the demise of Superman's little red undies.
 
I know most fanboys hate the red "outer shorts", ehhh... but I've always kind of liked them, of course a lot of fanboys just outright hate Superman... come to think of it, too many of them seem to focus on the crimson britches. 
 
Though I have a feeling with a new SUPERMAN movie scheduled for theatres for the Holiday 2012 season... Superman's "classic" look won't remain gone for long. 
 
I've been reading comics for about 33 of my 36 years.  This "reset" or similar gimmicks have been done before... only for everything to go back to the way it was... eventually.  Let's call it... THE NEW COKE EFFECT.   I must say that I have been rather amused by some of the outrage and breakdowns this event has caused for some of the geek community.  I wish I could sit them down and tell them to relax... afterall...  It's just comics man!
_____________________________________

Thursday, July 7, 2011

WHERE MY TOYS AT? #1: AUDREY II

Well... I started a regular feature here about awful toys that got made.  Now I'm going to start another one about toys that I am still waiting for TO BE MADE!

For a long time it was pretty difficult to find toys/action figures based on anything that was not directly aimed at kids.  'R' rated horror movies? Forget it!  Fans longed for articulated plastic versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, Leatherface, Pokerface... er, uh...

Then came the late 90s and companies like McFarlane toys, NECA, Mezco, Palisades... and suddenly movie properties that had been previously ignored started filling up the toy aisles everywhere... well mostly at places like Suncoast, Hastings, Spencer Gifts, and Game Stop stores.  But still! They were there! In our grubby toy collecting mitts!

For years we clamored for a figure of Ash (Bruce Campbell) from the Evil Dead films.  And McFarlane toys came through... not just with Ash, but also BAD ASH... and 18" talking Ash... even a Good vs Bad Ash 2-pack!   Then Mezco came through with all kinds of stuff... cutesy little Army of Darkness mezitz... Palisades even attempted a 4" collectible line. Then NECA took the license and gave us S-Mart Ash and Medeival Ash.

Clearly the toy world has run out of ideas.  Or have they? 

Ever since the horror movie toy craze began with McFarlane's MOVIE MANIACS line I have been praying to the molded plastic Gods for a figure/puppet/dioarama of some kind featuring that MEAN GREEN MOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE... Audrey II!


AUDREY II is one of the greatest cinematical special effects achievments, pre or post CGI, in this blogger's humble opinion.   Of course in the film the plant goes through several stages from tiny pod to a towering toothy terror.  
You will earn $35.98 in ebay bucks.  I bet you will... I bet you will...



HOLY SHIT! Look what I just found on eBay!!! Anybody got $2000 I can borrow?

So... where's my Audrey II toy? I want a miniature replica of that killer plant in his meanest greenest form as seen at the end of Little Shop of Horrors!  It's be great if it were some kind of puppet or animatronic thing. Just somebody get on it... STAT!
________________________________

Sunday, July 3, 2011

FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS #1: DET. ROBERT GOREN

Sunday June 26th, 2011 saw the series finale of LAW and ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT as well as the departure of Vincent D'onofrio's Det. Robert Goren from television's vast landscape of quirky detectives.  Or so, as before, we've been led to believe. (More on that later.

On September 30th, 2001 L&O:CI began on NBC as the second spinoff of the L&O mothership.  The show quickly dominated it's timeslot, and did so for 3 seasons... until that damn Housewives show began on ABC in 2004.  Beginning with season 7 the show was moved to the NBCUniversal-owned USA cable network, as a budget sharing measure, due to the series' declining ratings. 

The seventh season became the highest rated show on cable and quadrupled USA's previous Thursday night ratings.  So naturally for season 8 they moved the show to Sundays.

I will admit that I was not always a fan or even a viewer of L&O:CI.  An avid television watcher, even I recognize I watch too much tv, so some things fall by the wayside.  It didn't help that prior to season 5 it was announced that actor Vincent D'onofrio would be cutting back his Goren duties to every-other episode of the show.  Chris Noth, portraying his Det. Mike Logan character from the original L&O,  filled in on the the non-Goren episodes.

Initially I scoffed at reports of D'onofrio's fatigue.  "Hmmmmph. Actors."  But it turns out it was actually pretty serious - he was hospitalized in 2004 for nervous exhaustion.  

When I ultimately became hooked on the show, I grew to see how depicting a character like Det. Robert Goren could be physically and emotionally grueling for an actor, especially one as skilled as Mr. D.  

My love of L&O:CI and Det. Goren began in 2009 after being unemployed for over a year.  My L&O addiction began with the original flavor L&O classic which I discovered was on somewhere just about every day of the week - particularly on cable's TNT - which features mini-marathons on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  When those ended I could usually count on L&O:SVU being on the USA network and then one Saturday I stumbled upon another mini-marathon, this time of Criminal Intent on WGN America.  It wasn't long before I realized that Mondays on the USA network usually feature a good 8 to 10 hours of Intent.

After that it was Man Crush City for me and Detective Goren.



Goren is most frequently compared to the most masterful of Detectives... BATMAN!  Er, uh... Sherlock Holmes.  While Goren is sensitive and vulnerable.  He does carry the Holmes-ian qualities of being a quirky and extraordinarily intelligent investigator/criminal profiler. Goren typically employs his knowledge of an enormous range of topics: physics, chemistry, literature, history, psychology, (multiple) foreign languages, pop culture and currrent events.  It's obvious that Robert Goren is a man who spends any of his free time studying. 

One of my favorite examples is from an episode where Goren notices a murder victim has an unordinary amount of nickels... he quickly deduces that the microfiche machines at the library require nickels and that the library would be a great place to investigate the case further. 

Goren's analytical approach, at time, resembles that of a high functioning autistic or someone with extremely high OCD.  Though both detectives display arrogance,  Goren makes his living as a detective in NYC's "Major Case Squad" while Holmes only focused on cases that he considered to be complex (paging... Dr. House!).

Goren's partner Alexandra Eames often serves as his Dr. Watson. She is actually the lead detective in all of the duo's cases, since Goren's methods are often considered peculiar or outlandish by the higher-ups at 1PP.  While their relationship is quite businesslike, the pair also frequently play husband and wife during their investigations. During those times when Eames notices Goren is under stress, she will address him by his less formal name "Bobby". 

Goren even has a Moriarty of his very own.  Nicole Wallace (portrayed by Olivia D'abo) appeared in several episodes over the show's run. 


Professor Moriarty, I presume?
Goren also likes to toy with "persons of interest" as he questions them.  Frequently he will play off his looks, as the big lug, by being obtuse or immature.  It's a blast to see him play with people's minds like putty.  Often he is many steps ahead of them, when some of these schmucks think they've got the upper hand.

There are many theories about what occured after season 8 of Intent.   Chris Noth left the show after season 7 and quirkmeister Jeff Goldblum was brought in to take over.  While Jeff Goldblum is another actor I enjoy watching, but his Detective Zack Nichols character was no Robert Goren. 

For some (monetary?) reason, it seems that the network thought the show could continue without Vincent D'onofrio and Kathryn Erbe and their contracts were not renewed.   ***NOTE: I found a really interesting Q&A w/ D'onfrio where he talks about this topic.

However the duo appeared in the two part season 9 premiere.  For me, it was a very emotional moment at the end of part two when Detective Goren is forced out of his job.  I teared up every time I caught that part.

After season 9, for whatever reason, Goldblum decided he was done with the show.  Nobody was sure what would happen to L&O:CI... most of us thought it was done. Stick a fork in it.   Then, SUDDENLY, on September 21st 2010 it was announced that D'ONOFRIO IS BACK on L&O:CI, BABY!  For a shortened final season of 8 episodes. 

They weren't the best episiodes that Criminal Intent had produced.   One thing I did love about season 10, were the therapy sessions Goren was required to take as part of his reinstatement.  In fact I wish we'd gotten a little MORE of that, and a lot less of the "ripped from the headlines" cases featured in each episode.  

At least this time Goren got more of an upbeat ending.  I still teared up, but mostly because I was proud of how much progress "Bobby" had made in these final 8 episodes.

There was talk that season 10 may not be THE END.   However the USA Network seems pretty determined that the show has now seen it's SERIES finale. 

I think it would be great if Goren and company returned once in a while for some Criminal Intent tv movies.  Or better yet a NEW series, where Goren leaves the NYPD and goes out on his own as a private eye/detective.  Leaving the sometimes stiff L&O framework... and allowing the stories to be more Goren-esque.  But that's probably a pipe dream.  And maybe it's better that way.  Goren's adventures will have to continue in my head... they're probably better in there anyway.

__________________________________________

Saturday, June 25, 2011

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #3: THE MEAT

Toy makers JAKK'S PACIFIC are mostly known for the wide range of WRESTLING action figures they produce.  Back in 2006 they expanded a little and began a line of toys based on the ROCKY franchise of films:  Rocky, Mick, Paulie, Apollo Creed, Thunder Lips, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, etc.

One of the most iconic scenes in cinema history is the training scene from the original ROCKY, where Rocky Balboa is taking out his aggression on a frozen slab of beef. 

So it'd make sense if one of the ROCKY action figures included said slab o' meat as an accessory, right? 


You might like our salami, and the liver's all right...  and they really go well with the RYE... or the KAISER!!!

Oh Yeah... I don't.
But that wasn't good enough for JAKK'S PACIFIC. Instead THE MEAT had to become a carded "action figure" of it's own.

Brilliant, huh?!

I mean who doesn't want to blow a good $8-10+ of their action figure budget on a miniature plastic side of beef?


GREAT IDEAS FOR MORE MOVIE PROPS AS ACTION FIGURES!
1. Rosebud from Citizen Kane
2. Ringing Bells from It's A Wonderful Life
3. Wilson from Cast Away
4. The Shower Curtain from Psycho
5. The crawling meat from Poltergeist

________________________________

Thursday, June 23, 2011

YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!

I like cooking shows. Not all of them, but a lot of them: Iron Chef, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, The Great Food Truck Race, Good Eats, Diners/Drive-Ins & Dives, Cupcake Wars, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes...

I can't really stand to watch FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGE where it is often required for a team of contestants to carry a 6 foot+ tall cake across a room.  That shit is nerve wracking! Who needs one GIANT cake?!  Just gimme two or three regular sized cakes instead.  Plus cake fondant kinda gives me the creeps. 

What exactly is that stuff made out of anyway?


CHOPPED is a fascinating show on the Food Network.  If you're unfamiliar, this is a cooking show, where a group of chefs must create culinary masterpieces from  a "mystery basket" of food items. There are 3 rounds (appetizer, entree and desert).  After each round a team of judges decides who will be CHOPPED for failing to come up with a decent plate of food.  The winning chef gets to take home $10,000. 

Often times the "mystery basket" contains a bizarre mish-mash of (usually 4) food items like: Vienna Sausages, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, Kumquats and a tube of Dora the Explorer toothpaste.

No matter what kind of miracle cuisine these chefs come up with, there's always at least one judge that finds something wrong:

"The way you rendered the Vienna Sausages diluted that distinct pig scrotum flavor and I really missed that."

"With the toothpaste, you really missed an opportunity to use the fluoride to enhance the taste of the kum in the quat."

Ha! Ha! SCROTUM!

Recently FOX debuted the second season of MASTER CHEF or is it MasterChef  (one word)?  A show I enjoyed immensley last summer.  I think Gordon Ramsay is fantastic and is actually a big softie compared to the image he often projects on his other shows (Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares).

MasterChef is like American Idol for cooking enthusiast.   Not professional chefs as much as people who like to tinker around in their kitchens.  Contestants face a variety of challenges from peeling the perfect apple to cooking upperscale cafeteria food for large groups of people. The winner receives a lucrative publishing and endorsement deal.  

The only thing I really can't stand about the show is judge Graham Elliot.  You'd think as a fellow fatty I'd identify with him, perhaps admire and/or look up to him... but for some reason I cannot stand the man.


I just want to smack those damned white framed glasses off of his smug face.
And that hat makes you look like a douchebag too!


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #2: RITA ESCOBAR

The 1999 cinematic adaptation of the classic 1960s television series THE WILD WILD WEST is responsible for many travesties: giant mechanical spiders, that awful Will Smith song, that worse than awful Enrique Iglesisas song (Bailamos!!!) and yet another forgetable line of toys.

However the film did feature the sexy, saucy Salma Hayek in the role of Rita Escobar.  And unlike the way things usually go with female character to promotional toy crossovers... a Rita Escobar action figure was actually produced!  Sadly it was produced by the unfortunately named X-Toys (which later became N2 Toys).

Believe it or not back in 1999 Rita was highly sought among collectors, at least until the film actually came out.  However the toys hit store shelves around April or May and the film wasn't released until July... allowing for a lot of antici - - pation.

I managed to stumble across one of these poorly sculpted wonders during one of my regular TOYS R US visits.  I paid a whopping 4.99 for it and turned it around for a tidy $30 profit on the ol' bay of E. 

It looks like X-TOYS could have taken a few tips from the folks at TOY ISLAND.  Since I bought her solely to turn around and sell her online I did not open her, so I can't be 100% certain, but it looks like Ms. Escobar has less articulation then one of those little green army men.  Add that to the part where she looks like a candidate for the NFL draft.


Sweet Crap Almighty! They didn't even do the DRESS justice!


It's like they were separated at birth!
I recall the guy who bought it from me was very enthusiastic. I wonder how long it took for that case of buyer's remorse to kick in?

Monday, June 20, 2011

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #1: PUDFACE

Welcome to the first edition of what I hope will be a regular feature here at the blog.   Our first toy comes from the syndicated ROBOCOP tv series that aired in the early 90s. 

Wait... there was a syndicated ROBOCOP tv series in the early 90s?


Yes, there was.  And if you blinked you most likely missed it as it only ran for 23 episodes.  The show was based in part on an abandoned script for ROBOCOP II, however the only character names the series' creators were allowed to use were Robocop and his pre-cyborg moniker of Alex Murphy.  All of the other names had to be changed and references to the films were not allowed.   Oh, and Robocop was guided by a holographic cyber-angel.  WTF?


That's Pudface Morgan to you, pal!
                                                  
Perhaps the oddest thing about the ROBOCOP series was Murphy's arch-nemesis on the show... a man simply known as: PUDFACE.




If you didn't know about the syndicated series, you were probably even less aware that there was a line of toys based on the show.   The toys were produced by a little company called TOY ISLAND.  To say the quality of these figures wasn't great is an understatement.  These things looked like party favors, not good party favors mind you, they were more like dollar store party favors.
 


What did you say young man? *SLAP*

Now this figure makes the initial installment of this feature not only because it was a poorly fabricated and just all around fugly toy.  But, of course, because it's name is PUDFACE!

Imagine the horror of many parents as their child yelled down the aisles of TOYS R US or KayBees... "Mom/Dad! Can I get PUDFACE?!"

The figure is highly UNARTICULATED, note the gun sticking out of his pants, which is actually sculpted onto the figure.  Oooh... playability!  At one time I owned a Pudface figure, which I purchased from a clearance bin at Kaybee Toys.  I never did open the ugly S.O.B and ultimately I think I donated him to charity. 

What was I thinking?  The poor kid who got stuck with that probably grew up to hate toys.
__________________________________

Saturday, June 18, 2011

THE FAIRY-FELLER'S MASTER STROKE

2011 marks the 40th anniversary of the super sonic British rock band QUEEN.  To mark the occasion each album from their discography is being re-released as a 2-disc, remastered CD (or download if you prefer).  This is being done sequentially, in groups of five.  The month of May saw the U.S. debut of the first batch: QUEEN, QUEEN II, SHEER HEART ATTACK, A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, and A DAY AT THE RACES.

I decided to start purchasing these re-releases with one of my favorite Queen albums 1974's QUEEN II.  QUEEN II is Queen's second album.   I know... crazy right?  QUEEN II is a concept album filled with Kings, Queens of various shades, Ogres, Witches, Fairies and all kinds of Dungeons and Dragons/Lord of the Rings type shenanigans. 

QUEEN II is probably their least accessible album, meaning as far stand-out singles - there really isn't one.  Sure, "Seven Seas of Rhye" shows up on many of their greatest hits collections.  But I find it highly unlikley one would want to just sit back and rock out to say... "The March of the Black Queen" (track 9).  I really think that QUEEN II should be listened to as a whole. 

TRACK LIST:  1. Procession, 2. Father To Son, 3. White Queen (As It Began), 4. Some Day One day, 5. The Loser in the End, 6. Ogre Battle, 7. The Fairy-Feller's Master Stroke, 8. Nevermore, 9. March of the Black Queen, 10. Funny How Love Is, 11. Seven Seas of Rhye

You may be more familiar with the QUEEN II album cover image as it was later famously recreated in the band's 1975 video for "Bohemian Rhapsody".  I would like to pick up each of these remasters, however I will have to do so sporadically.  I may just purchase my absolute favorites on CD, and buy downloads of the rest as they tend to be $6 or $7 cheaper.  I haven't decided for certain yet.

The bonus disc includes 5 rare tracks: 1. See What A Fool I've Been (1973 BBC Session); 2. White Queen (Hammersmith Odeon 1975); 3. Seven Seas of Rhye (Instrumental); 4. Nevermore (BBC Sessions 1974) and 5. See What a Fool I've Been (B-Side version, February 1974). 

I was recently listening to a podcast that shall go unnamed, in which one of the hosts commented that he always thought of Queen as a "novelty band".   Seriously?  Freddie Mercury's vocals, Brian May on guitar, Roger Taylor's drumming, and John Deacon on bass = NOVELTY ACT?

Each of QUEEN's album sounded different than the last, but you could always tell that it was QUEEN.   You want to refer to that kind of artistry, creativity and innovation as a "novelty act"?!  For shame sir,  for shame!
______________________________________

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I just can't believe you believe those urban legends, but I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes and debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly!

Welcome to PART 2 of my track-by-track review of "Weird Al" Yankovic's 13th studio album ALPOCALYPSE!

Hellz Yeah!

7. PARTY IN THE CIA (Parody of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA")  Ah-Ha! It's the new theme song for the USA network tv series COVERT AFFAIRS.  Okay, maybe not, I was probably just looking for an excuse to post a picture of a sexy, pouty lipped CIA operative.  

CIA is like the field report of a "wild & crazy" covert agent: Burn that microfilm buddy, will you, I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you! You need a quickie confession? Well, start a waterboarding session!  SONG GRADE: B-

8. RINGTONE - Yet another track from the "Internet Leaks".  This "style parody" is a homage to one of the greatest, most innovative rock bands ever - QUEEN!  This epic tune, done in the grandiose style of "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a mini  rock opera about an embarassing ringtone.  Cuz, hey, who wants to waste $1.99?  SONG GRADE: B

9. ANOTHER TATTOO (Parody of "Nothin' On You" by B.o.B and Bruno Mars) This is the part of the review where I start to feel really, really OLD.  As I am completely UNFAMILIAR with the original song.  However I do know that Bruno Mars is the Douchebag Songsmith Supreme. Unfortunately this song is not about a diminutive actor hoping to land a role in the upcoming big screen adaptation of FANTASY ISLAND.  Fantasy Island? See, I told you that I was old.  The song is actually done from the POV of an ink covered individual who is running out of space on his body to etch anything else, and he does not regret any of the silly, misspelled tattoos (some of which he got on a bet) that he already has including: Clay Aiken, a side of bacon and a clarinet playing Boba Fett. SONG GRADE: B-

10. IF THAT ISN'T LOVE Al has a long history of demented love songs: One More Minute, Melanie, You Don't Love Me Anymore, Good Old Days, and Good Enough For Now to name a few.  If That Isn't Love is another entry into that category.  A style parody of Hanson, featuring Hanson's Taylor Hanson on piano.  The central character here has some strange ideas about the meaning of love. "Even though you made me sit through MAMA MIA, I still adore you.  I totally support every idiotic thing you do, and I almost never pretend your someone else when I'm making out with you". I don't know if I should laugh or cry because I know so many guys who would NOT get that this song is not meant to be some sort of dating advice column set to music.  SONG GRADE: B

11. WHATEVER YOU LIKE (Parody of "Whatever You Like" by T.I.) Yet another time where I feel like my grandpa yelling at the radio, because I'd never heard the original before the release of Al's take on the song.   Personally, I usually like it MORE when Al parodies songs that I like or even love. Not that I don't find any joy in his versions of songs I've never heard or despise.  This was the first of the "Internet Leaks" tracks to be released, according to Al it went from concept to downloadable content in the space of about 2 weeks. That is fantastic use of the avaialble technology IMHO.  "Whatever" parodies the hip hop staple of a guy promising his gal whatever she wants... in these difficult financial times.   "Yeah you like Top Ramen? Need Top Ramen? I've got a cupboard full of 'em.  I'll keep 'em coming". It's like if Mtv's CRIBS did a follow up on some of these rap guys who blow the proceeds from their first album on gold plated everythingSONG GRADE: B

12. STOP FORWARDING THAT CRAP TO ME This is probably my favorite track on ALPOCALYPSE (note: the title of this blog entry is taken from the lyrics), not only because it is a style parody of a Jim Steinman scribed Meat Loaf tune, but because it is also so damn spot on. "You pass around a link to some dumb thing on youtube everyone else saw three years ago... please stop forwarding that crap to me."  SONG GRADE: A+ 

I'm sure to a few of you that some of my criticisms may seem harsh, especially after claiming that I love Weird Al.  I do love Al and I suppose my disapointment, in part at least, is thanks to the rose colored glasses of nostalgia.  He's been a constant influence to me, a genius who has outlasted many of the acts he's parodied so well for over nearly 3 decades.  Coolio anyone? 

It must be increasingly difficult to find worthy parody fodder.  A popular song doesn't have the life it used to.  These days "15 minutes of fame" isn't much of an exaggeration.  That's why I had such high hopes when Al started toying with digital distribution.  Wow! Instant gratification much?

I also loathe when other comedians seem to look down on what Al does as some "lower form" of comedy.  Like their tired material about growing up fill in the ethnicity was so hard is such advanced, highbrow comedy.  I'm looking at you George Lopez!  There aren't many comedy albums that have moved as many units as Al's records.  And there certainly aren't as many with as high of a replay value.  Used CD shops everywhere are using Dane Cook's 2005 Retaliation album for drink coasters, book markers, and skeet shooting targets.
______________________________________

I'LL BE A TROLL OR EVIL QUEEN, I'LL BE A HUMAN JELLYBEAN, CUZ EVERYDAY IS HALLOWEEN...

I have been a "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC fan since the third grade. Shortly after he released his second album "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC in 3-D featuring what is probably the BIGGEST song parody of all time "Eat it". 

One of the BIGGEST regrets of my life happened back in 1984 when Al played our local state fair.   Damn straight I attended that show.  However earlier that day while Mr. Yankovic decided to take a friendly stroll around the fairgrounds, I turned into a chicken, instead of approachim him like many others were, I tried to fidn the best hiding spot.  Why?  Well... because I was wearing a Michael Jackson shirt.  And y'know since Al had recorded "Eat It" I figured he must really hate that guy.  Hey! Cut me a break. This is how a 9 year old's brain works! At least that's how my brain worked at that age. *sigh*

I have seen Al perform LIVE a few more times since that August 1984 show.  May 1994, September 2007 and August 2008.  Fantastic shows all.  One thing that struck me funny at one of the more recent shows was the realization of  the wide age spectrum of AL-coholics.  Kids and adults from the ages of 8 to 88.  I saw a 50-something couple dressed up in full AMISH gear. 

Tuesday, June 21st 2011, sees the release of Al's 13th studio album: ALPOCALYPSE.  The four horsemen of the ALPOCALYPSE must be: Parody, Pop Culture, Platinum (as in records -- he's earned 6 of 'em!), and of course -- Polka. 

Much like his 2007 release "Straight Outta Lynwood",  ALPOCALYPSE includes a DVD on the flip side featuring videos for (most of) the album's tunes.

Unlike "Lynwood", the new CD features 5 songs that were previously released in late 2008 and the Summer of 2009 while Al tested out the benefits of digital distribution. 

ALPOCALYPSE is currently available for sneak preview on the music website: mog.com.  Of which I currently have a 14 day trial, so I thought I'd do an early review of each of the albums tracks. 

1. PERFORM THIS WAY (Parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way")  Even the most casual Al fan is probably aware of this song, due to the recent press coverage.  I really hope that Gaga's telling the truth on this one, and that her "people" were the reason for all the confusion.  What can I say? I've kinda got a crush.



Heh. I kind of have a thing for gals with intriguing noses.
 Many people seem to think Gaga's "Born" is about BEING GAY.  These people are WRONG. Plain and simple.  "Born this Way" is about feeling like an outcast, and simply just knowing that you're weird.   Something I think we can all identify with... especially if you're a fan of this blog.  Al's parody is a tribute to Gaga's bizarre ways, from weirdo to another.  I can't wait to see the video he's got planned.  SONG GRADE: A


2. CNR This is what most Al fans refer to as one of his "style parodies", meaning that while it's not a direct parody of a single song, it's done in the style of a certain artist.  "CNR" is an "Internet Leaks" era White Stripes inspired anthem about the many legends of... Charles Nelson Riley?!  "He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds every day"!  It sounds like CNR could give Chuck Norris a run for his money.  SONG GRADE: B-

3. TMZ (Parody of Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me") A country tinged ode to those who are famous for absolutely no reason: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Jay Leno, etc.  Of course it takes quite a few jabs at the "news source" known as TMZ.   My favorite part comes during the breakdown and we get to hear a bunch of sound bytes from infotainment-esque announcers, particularly when one exclaims: "Everything celebrities do is FASCINATING!"  SONG GRADE: A-

4. SKIPPER DAN Another track released back in 2009.  The tale of a starry-eyed sucker with a fine arts degree who is forced to work at a theme park while dreaming bigger, much, much BIGGER.  I'll admit this is not one of my favorite Weird Al songs.  SONG GRADE: C

5. POLKA FACE  This is one of Al's infamous accordian infused,  polka-ized mashups of several current-ish songs, with an emphasis on Lady Gaga's "Poker Face".



Did someone say MORE Gaga?
 This seems like a track that could have benefited from digital distribution as most of the songs included in the medley are at least TWO years old if not older.  Poker Face (2008), Womanizer (2008), I Kissed A Girl (2008), Fireflies (2009), Tik Tok (2009) and several others.

In the past Al's polka medleys have dealt with not-so-new material.  His first polka - 1984's POLKA'S ON 45 featured many classic songs from the Beatles to Hendrix, The Who, The Doors and the Rolling Stones, speaking of which...  1989's HOT ROCKS POLKA was composed entirely of songs my Mick Jagger and the boys.  And 1993's BOHEMIAN POLKA was of course, a polka-fied version of QUEEN'S "Bohemian Rhapsody".

However for the most part these medleys usually seem a little more recent.  Many of the artists included in POLKA FACE have already released NEW albums since the songs Al revamped here.  But I am glad he went for the oh, so obvious POLKA FACE title.  Something I wished for in a facebook status, back in 2009.   SONG GRADE: B

6. CRAIGSLIST This Doors style paordy is another of 2009's "Internet Leaks".  It kind of covers the same territory as Al's 2003 Backstreet Boys parody "eBay".  A song about all the obscure, inane items and services people offer through various online flea markets.  However we do get keyboard work from original Doors' member Ray Manzarek.  SONG GRADE: B-

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2.
________________

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

LOCK THE GATES!

Growing up I was quite the COMEDY NERD.  Back in the 80s there was standup comedy all over tv: Mtv, VH1, A&E, Nick at Night, Lifetime, Carson, Letterman and if you were fortunate enough to have premium cable channels like Showtime or HBO... jackpot!  For the record I never thought Gallagher was funny.  Even when I was a kid.  I believe the direct quote from a 6 or 7 year old Travis was: "He smashes stuff? That's it?"

B-but... Travis, you didn't mention COMEDY CENTRAL in the above text!  Well, that's because my local cable provider didn't begin carrying COMEDY CENTRAL until about 1992. 

One of the slew of comedians I discovered post-CC is a guy named Marc Maron.  Maron is a sarcastic, witty and insightful comic and he quickly became one of my favorites.  Aside from his brief appearance in Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous (2000) as the "angry promoter"; I didn't seem to hear much from the guy during this new millenium. 

However apparently he's appeared on CONAN O'BRIEN'S various talk shows over 40 times and I'm sure I must have caught a couple of those along the way.  Finally back in 2010, via a message board that I frequent, I learned MARC MARON was the host of a rather popular podcast!


WTF or (What the Fuck if you must) is posted twice a week.  And it is often incredible.  Not just because of the content, but the fact that he landed a podcast titled WTF before someone beat him to it. Or maybe he didn't?  Perhaps there are other podcasts with the WTF title? I'll go look.  No, nah... I won't bother with that right now.  Just go to Marc's website.

Each episode kicks off with a sound clip of Marc's Almost Famous character shouting the line "LOCK THE GATES!" over, what I think is a pretty catchy theme song.  Every MONDAY and THURSDAY sees the arrival of a new WTF episode featuring Marc interviewing fellow comedians, or at least well known funny people: Dave Foley, Judd Apatow, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and many more! 

I started off just listening to episodes with guests who I was also a fan of, but soon found myself listening to EVERYTHING.  Why? Marc asks great questions.  Often questions listeners probably would ask these people themselves, if they could.  And sometimes even if it's a person you think that you cannot stand, or are perhaps unfamiliar with, you'd be surprised to learn their back story, and maybe at least gain a minor appreciation for what they do. And sometimes not.

My attention was first thrust upon WTF Podcast  #75 aka the Carlos Mencia episode.  In which Marc confronted Ned "Carlos" Holness about his practices of joke stealing, bumping other comedians at clubs and just general douchebaggery.  As someone who has never been a fan of the mindlessness of Mencia, it was a pleasure to hear him practically break down and beg for understanding while at the same time admitting that he is an asshole.
And oh yes the Dane Cook episode in which Mr. SU-FI discusses the theft of his "essence" is quite something too.  As is the recent update to one of the stories heard in Marc's WTF interview with comedian Steve Byrne (WTF #175).

Not every WTF episode is an examination in confrontation. 

Some episodes end with the guest walking out early.  Okay, ONE episode (#145) with Gallagher ends that way.  It's worth a listen to hear the Sledge-O-Matic king rant about what he believes is his rightful place in the world of comedy and the conspiracy theories as to why he hasn't been allowed to succeed where other "less talented" people have.  While also suggesting that much of his current material, which has come under fire for being racist and homophobic amongst other things, is perfectly fine because they're just "street jokes" that are not entirely of his creation.

Many episodes start with Marc admitting that he thinks his interview subject doesn't like him or at the very least that there is conflict of some kind between them. Only to discover it was all in his head.  Maybe I find such relief in these episodes because I often suffer from the "Oh, that guy hates me" syndrome. 

Other WTF episodes of note include:
#163 Conan O'Brien - At last some great insight from COCO about how he endured the NBC horse shit. And how he's happy to to have a show of his own, opposed to one that he inherited. 
#146 Dave Foley - The Kids in the Hall member, who IMHO made the sexiest woman, reflects on the birth of comedy troupe.  And discusses how a crazy ex-wife has resulted in dire financial troubles which keep him from returning to his home country of Canada. 

Episodes featuring some of my "old school" favorites Bobcat Goldthwait (#167),  Laura Kightlinger (#166), Tom Rhodes (#158) are also a treat.  If that doesn't float your boat there are also interviews with more current comedians such as Patton Oswalt (#144), Brian Posehn (#181), Adam Carolla (#159) and Paul F. Tompkins (#150). 

Poehler? I barely know 'er!

The most recent episode featuring Amy Poehler of  "Parks and Recreation" is pretty damn fantastic.  In roughly 86 minutes we cover a lot of territory.  The birth of Upright Citizens brigade (and all it's offshoots), SNL, being a female in the comedy biz, SNL, Lorne Michaels, kids, improv comedy, working with Marc in the 90s and her fears of being compared to Steve Carrell.  While most episodes clock in at about 60-70 minutes, this one, as I noted above runs a tad longer.


I'd love to hear Maron land some of my favorite funny folks: Weird Al, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Michael Keaton, Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day, Diablo Cody, Edgar Wright... and I'm sure Marc would like to land interviews with many of these people as well.  I'd also love to hear him interview actor Vincent D'Onofrio, while not really being known as a comedian or even comedic actor, Marc does have a pretty amusing story involving the Law & Order: Criminal Intent actor.

There was a time when I got jealous hearing/reading about all of these podcasts people were listening to and I couldn't ( because didn't have the proper internet connection, computer, etc).  Then one day I had access to these glorious things called podcasts.  For the most part I was disappointed and realized that I had not been missing out on a whole lot. 

WTF definitely stands out amongst all the crap infesting the world wide web.  

So... What the fuckernauts, What the fuckericans, What the fuckanucks... give the show a listen.  It's available on iTunes and via other various apps.  Apps? Boy, I wish I could me some of those apps, they sound pretty F'n sweet.  Or you can listen to it via the Zune marketplace like I do.

Yeah, I've got a ZUNE! Do you got a problem with that?

I didn't think so.

_______________________

Monday, June 13, 2011

COMIC SHOP GIRL

If I may toot my own horn a bit -- I've have had a number of short plays produced locally.  Four one-acts at Venture Theatre's Annual One-Act Play Festival and three 24 hour plays produced for Venture's WET INK shows.  However not everything I've submitted for the one-act festival has been chosen for the festival. 

My first attempt at submitting something to the show was an ambitious piece.  A musical! About what else? COMIC BOOKS. GEEKS. And of course GIRLS.


Poster concept.  How many pop culture objects can you find?

COMIC BOOK GEEKS! THE MUSICAL!? is the story of Max and his three friends (all named Jason) who hang out playing RPGs in the back of their local comic book shop.  Max mostly hangs out because he has a crush on Bridget, the geek goddess who is employed at the store. 

There are a couple of moments in the play where I must have been sipping the Nostradamus juice... because they reflect things that have come to be.   One of the jokes in the play had to do with one of the characters being repulsed by the idea of seeing Dustin "Screech" Diamond naked.  Who'da thunk that one day ol' Screech would release a porno movie of his own making?

Unfortunately I am what I like to call MUSICALLY DECLINED.  I know nothing about writing music, so basically I had a collection of lyrics without a score.  Thus making my project a little too ambitious to put together in the time alotted for the one-act festival.

The following is the final song (and reprise) from the script.  This is where Max finally expresses his feeling to Bridget.  The chorus is full of SHA LA LA LAs... which I'm NOT proud of, and if I ever rebooted this project I would definitely change that.  The song, with many of it's spoken moments is definitely very BNL-influenced.

I spruced it up a bit with some illustrative pictures.  Italics indicate spoken dialog.  ALL CAPS represent singing.

____________________________________

YOU’VE BROUGHT THIS MUTANT TURTLE OUT OF HIS SHELL
PIERCED THIS IRON MAN’S PROTECTIVE ARMOR AS WELL
YOU BROKE DOWN THE WALLS OF MY FOUR COLOR WORLD
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A COMIC SHOP GIRL

MY HEART GOES








WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ROOM

And the geeks in the back sing!


CHORUS
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
HE LOVES YOU COMIC SHOP GIRL
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
MAX IS IN LOVE WITH THE COMIC SHOP GIRL

UP TIL NOW MY LIFE'S BEEN GRIM...


  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Jason
Dude, did you just mention your thing in a love song?

Max
Not my thing, THE THING y’know from the Fantastic Four?

Jason 2
Four? Four is nothing to brag about.

Jason 3
Now nine… NINE would be FANTASTIC!

Collective groan and laugh, MAX resumes singing:

YOU’LL BE MY MARY JANE
I’LL BE YOUR PETER PARKER…

3 Jasons (snort laugh)
Peter?!

FORGET MARY JANE I DON’T WANT HER
MY SPIDEY SENSE IS TINGLING FOR YOU…
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

(repeat chorus)

I’VE GOT MY MIND MADE UP
LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FEEL
I THINK YOU’RE MY WONDER WOMAN
MIGHT I BE YOUR MAN OF STEEL?

ARCHIE NEVER CHOSE BETWEEN VERONICA OR BETTY
ONE DAY I WILL GET DOWN ON BENDED KNEE



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I THINK WE’D MAKE A DYNAMIC DUO, YOU AND ME
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL….

***REPRISE***

BRIDGET
I CAN TELL THAT YOU’RE NOT A PLAYER

MAX
YOU’RE CUTER THAN A CERTAIN VAMPIRE SLAYER

BRIDGET
Wesley Snipes?

MAX
(laughing) No…

MAX
ON MY SLEEVE MY HEART I DO WIELD

BRIDGET
LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA WITH HIS BIG OL’ SHIELD

MAX
IT’S NOT A LINE OR A JEDI MIND TRICK

BRIDGET
I’M STARTING TO THINK YOU’LL MAKE A HANDSOME SIDEKICK

MAX
Sidekick, huh?

BRIDGET
Uh, huh… you got a problem with that?

MAX
(happily) No…

I’M GLAD I FOUND YOU
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

****