INCONVENIENCE IS AN ADVENTURE

KEVIN
Well this is damn inconvenient.

CHARLIE
You’re telling me.

GIL
I’m sorry, how was I supposed to know that trying to smuggle this bottle of lady anti monkey-butt powder would get us kicked off the flight?

KEVIN
Why were you trying to smuggle lady anti monkey-butt powder onto the plane?

GIL
It’s pink… and it smells pretty.

CHARLIE
Because that answers so much.

GIL
Do you know how many peculiar things I’ve snuck onto planes during all of my years as a recognized prop comedian?

KEVIN
Struggling prop comedian.

GIL
Cool it “Weird Al” Yankovic! I forgot, how many copies did the Stained Futons sell of their last album?

KEVIN
Hey! I’ll have you know we’re big in the Czech Republic!

CHARLIE
Would you boys grow up? I’m the one who doesn’t belong here. Star of my own Saturday morning t.v. show. I had a #1 single on the Billboard charts for Christ’s sakes.

GIL
Yeah, the dance charts. That doesn’t count for shit.

KEVIN
Leave her alone Gallagher 2.

GIL
Hey, I’m no one trick pony with a one track mind. I am… THE BIG CHEESE.

GIL places cheesehead hat on his head.

CHARLIE
More like the big cheese ball.

GIL
Never under estimate the power of cheese.

CHARLIE
Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! WHATEVER IT IS THIS GUY CAN’T KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS!!!!!

KEVIN
Oh?

GIL
Hey, babe, it wasn’t so long ago that you didn’t seem to mind.

CHARLIE
I have the night terrors to prove it.

KEVIN
Y-you and a Gil?

CHARLIE
Kevin, I…

GIL
Oh jeez…

CHARLIE
It was a long time ago. In fact it was more of an accident…

GIL
What, you tripped fell and landed on my di—

KEVIN
HEY!

GIL
Sorry, Kev. It was a long time ago… before…

CHARLIE
Before you.

GIL
(pause) You guys wanna race?

GIL pulls several assorted toy cars out of his pockets, and sits on the ground, making car noises. CHARLIE & KEVIN stare at this for a while.

KEVIN
Are your pockets always filled with toy cars?

GIL
Hello, prop comic? Besides this one’s not a car, it’s a sled from the movie ELF. I dunno about you two but if I had kids I would NOT approve of a miniature WiIl Ferrell being included with their happy meals.

KEVIN
I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to make me… us laugh. And it’s not going to work.

GIL reaches into a pocket and pulls something out.

GIL
A MOUSE!!!???

GIL throws the mouse into the audience.

CHARLIE
Gil, dammit!

GIL stands.

GIL
Well, I know what you two are doing. And it’s not going to work.

CHARLIE & KEVIN
What we’re doing?

GIL
Yeah. You’re not going to blame this on me.

CHARLIE
This… ?

GIL
Do I have to spell it out? It’s obvious you guys have some unresolved feelings that need resolving!

KEVIN
Not now…

CHARLIE
This really isn’t the right time, or place…

GIL
Wow! You two really don’t get it do you? You can’t always schedule these things. Waiting for the right time or the right place. You guys have been doing this little dance now, for what…

KEVIN
Three years.

CHARLIE (taken aback)
Um. What?

GIL
Charlie, tell Kev how adorable you think it is when he makes the Jedi hand motion every time he walks through an automatic door…

CHARLIE
… or elevator.

KEVIN goes into “aw shucks” mode.

GIL
Kevin, tell Chuck here how cute you think it is that she hates it when I call her Chuck.

CHARLIE
There’s only one person that gets away with calling me Chuck.

KEVIN
Her Grandpa Spencer.

CHARLIE
Right.

GIL
Sometimes it’s damn inconvenient, but love can be an adventure.

CHARLIE
Oh, barf.

GIL
Right, well… I’m going to give you two a moment alone.

GIL walks off stage.

CHARLIE and KEVIN move in closer to each other, she strokes his Hawaiian shirt and chuckles.

CHARLIE
“Weird Al” Yankovic, huh?

KEVIN
“You're sort of everything I ever wanted, You're not perfect, but I love you anyhowYou're the woman that I've always dreamed of… Well, not really, but you're good enough for now…”

CHARLIE
Oh really?

KEVIN
Well, Al’s catalog generally doesn’t lend itself to these type of situations. It’s the best I could do off the top of my head.

CHARLIE
I thought it was pretty sweet… y’know as a Yanko-phile.

KEVIN
I knew I liked you for a reason.

CHARLIE
For three years, huh?

KEVIN
From the moment I saw you… I think I knew. I apologize if that sounds…

CHARLIE
Creepy?

KEVIN
“… everytime I shake your hand now, wanna stick your fingers in my mouth… “

KEVIN & CHARLIE
“Do I, Do I creep you out?”

KEVIN takes CHARLIE into his arms, she places her head on his chest.

CHARLIE
The moment you saw me?

KEVIN
You walked into that studio, with this great smile on your face and your hair was… it’s not like it was a steady thing, at first at least. Sometimes I would see you… and it was like “Oh yeah… her.” Then we got to be friends and…

CHARLIE
You thought it might be a little inconvenient?

KEVIN
Right.

CHARLIE
We have danced around this for a while haven’t we?

KEVIN
For a dumbass, Gil had some pretty wise things to say earlier.

CHARLIE
I’ve got to say I was rather surprised myself.

KEVIN
We should find a way to commemorate this day.

CHARLIE and KEVIN start to move in for a kiss… but are interrupted by:

GIL
HEY YOU GUYYYYS!

GIL runs back onto the stage wearing a Cap’n America mask & carrying an armload of stuff.
He stops and takes in the new couple.

GIL
I used to think he just had a thing for chicks with dude’s names. But I think there’s a bit more to it now.

KEVIN
There is.

CHARLIE
I know.

They move into kiss and are again interrupted by:

GIL
Look at all of this cool shit I found!

GIL drops his newfound treasures onto the floor.

CHARLIE
Great.

GIL
Fetched collectively from far-flung galaxies these 3 champions of justice… (points to self) SINGLE MINDED MAN, (Charlie) MS. SPECTACULAR and (Kevin) DELAYED REACTION MAN were brought together for the purpose of….

KEVIN
Delayed reaction man? Couldn’t I have been cool, like Spidey?

GIL
Spider-Man? Spider-Man? He does whatever a spider can? Do you think that guy would be such a braggart if he’d been bitten by a radioactive flea?

CHARLIE
How about a nuclear earthworm?

GIL
Oooh… that’d be hi-larious.

GIL begins flopping around on the floor like a boneless, segmented creature.

KEVIN
Alright Earthworm Jim, enough.

GIL bolts up, puts his cheesehead back on, picks up the Captn Jack doll and starts acting like a pirate, singing…

GIL
WHOOAAAH-WHOAA ‘TIS THE PIRATES LIFE FOR ME, I’M SAILING THE SEAS OF CHEESE…

CHARLIE
So, what do we do now?

KEVIN picks up a rope from GIL’s pile o’ stuff.

KEVIN
Let’s tie him up.

CHARLIE
That is a fantastic idea, that I can definitely get behind.

GIL stops his tomfoolery as CHARLIE and KEVIN unravel the rope.

GIL
Whoah, hey guys. No. You’re not really going to do that now are you?

CHARLIE and KEVIN start to close in on GIL each carrying an end of the rope in their hand.

GIL
Aw, c’mon you guys. No fair two against one.

GIL takes off and CHARLIE and KEVIN take off after him. The trio exits the stage in one direction, and then come running back in from that same direction… this time KEVIN has fashioned the rope into a lasso and is swinging it over his head.

KEVIN
YEE-HAWWW!

GIL
If it wasn’t for me you guys would still be moping around!

KEVIN & CHARLIE
Thanks Gil!

Fade out.

THE END

MOTHER PUS BUCKET!

Mattel has finally unveiled the some more figures in their Ghosbusters collection of toys. Okay, they actually did it a couple of weeks ago at the NYC toy fair - but this blog entry is running a tad late!

I've yet to obtain any of the figures other than the 2009 SDCC 6" Exclusive Slimed Egon. So... I am a bit behind on that too. The 12-inchers are a bit out of my price range and the 12" Ray Stantz is (at this time) SOLD OUT!

At last we get to see both sculpts of Dr. Peter Venkman! It seems the initial release of the 6" Peter will be a "slimed" version - it looks like he bathed in baby food. The miniscule Venkman ships in June. The twelve-incher ships in April... hopefully... if there aren't any more delays.

Lab Coat Ray is part of the 6" line and is a variant based on the character's infamous tv commerical seen in the 1984 film. He also includes the sewer ghost from the film and will be available in August. 12" Winston Zeddemore comes in August as well... sadly he does not include "shit that will turn you white!"

Ol' dickless here is (ironically) part of the 6-inch line. Walter Peck includes the Ecto-Containment unit... unfortunately he doesn't come with a Con-Ed employee to help him shut if OFF!

Rumor has it that the first of the "Real Ghostusters" figures that Mattel is working on will be unveiled at SDCC 2010 in July.

Breakfast At Epiphany's

Here is the full script for my entry in Venture Theatre's 2008 One-Act Festival... Breakfast At Epiphany's.

A dimly lit apartment. We hear commotion behind the couch a bare female arm reaches up to grab a blouse/shirt/any article of clothing will do. Then the couple emerges from behind the sofa – he squirms out the side wiggling into his pants, she stands behind the sofa buttoning up her blouse….

ALYSON
I was NOT expecting that.

PRESTON
Sorry, I didn’t mean to pounce.

ALYSON
Pounce away Tiger.

ALYSON and PRESTON continue to kiss, touch, giggle, etc.

PRESTON
It’s times like this that I don’t miss having a roommate.

ALYSON
Y’know I think that we missed our reservation.

PRESTON
We might still make it… if I can find my shoes.

ALYSON
Wherever they are at least they’re probably still in one piece, unlike my panties.

ALYSON then removes the remains of her undies from under her pants, skirt, whatever.

PRESTON
Sorry about that.

ALYSON
(sits on couch)
I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend our anniversary.

PRESTON
Good. I can’t even find the light switch, let alone my shoes.

ALYSON
It’s your apartment now silly boy. Have your heard anything from Nick?

PRESTON
I, uh… haven’t really.

ALYSON
Awww… I kinda miss the big lug.

PRESTON
Really? (pause) Ah. (turns on the light) Now close your eyes…. and hold out your hands.

ALYSON
Ooooh… presents!?

ALYSON closes her eyes and holds out her hands, palms up.

PRESTON
(places object into her hand)
You may now open your eyes.

ALYSON opens her eyes and holds her present up into the light to reveal that it is a shiny house key.

ALYSON
(surprised)
What’s this?

PRESTON
It’s a key to (gestures) OUR apartment. Or we could get a place that’s y’know less bachelor-y. (PRESTON removes bag of sports equipment from couch and sits next to ALYSON) The key is mostly symbolic.

ALYSON
Wow. This is a BIG move.

PRESTON
I know. (pause) Is someone getting a little misty-eyed?

ALYSON
A little, yeah. (pause) Three years. Can you believe it?

PRESTON
Yeah. Who’da thunk it?

ALYSON
Not me. At first I thought that you were only into silicone infested, walking blow-up dolls… like Jenna Jameson.

PRESTON
Jenna-who-now?

ALYSON
As if you didn’t know. I saw this book of hers sitting over here in your meager little library by our 4th date.

PRESTON
I will have you know that this is a signed first edition.

ALYSON
Oh, really?

PRESTON
She’s one hell of an author is all I’m sayin’.

ALYSON
A month or so ago I would have never believed this was coming. You were so distant… I thought that we were coming to an end. Then all of the sudden it was like I was falling in love with you all over again. So yes, Preston I will move in with you…. but (looks around apartment) probably not here. Even though it has been relatively cleaner lately at least until a couple of hours ago.

PRESTON
Me-OW!

ALYSON
Now, how should we celebrate?

PRESTON
We could order in OR we could…

PRESTON gets that look in his eye.

ALYSON
Oh my God, Preston! AGAIN!? Not that I am complaining mind you. Things have been so different since your birthday. You’ve really changed. First you spent the night letting me beat you on the Playstation…

PRESTON
Letting you? You beat me fair and square.

ALYSON
Oh B.S.

PRESTON
C’mon it was a new game, and…

ALYSON
And then you made me dinner on your birthday! Three years and I wasn’t even sure if you knew how to make toast. But that dinner was exquisite, romantic… and then things really started rolling after your little lap dance.

PRESTON
Was that not the greatest lap dance you’ve ever had?

PRESTON briefly, yet hilariously recreates the lap dance.

ALYSON
Until that night I was so thankful for any of those moments where you were more into me than you were into your Playstation.

PRESTON
I don’t know if I can ever make up for all of the times that I possibly broke your heart. But I’d like to try. I feel like I’ve finally snapped out of my quarter-life crisis. I realize how close I was to losing you… and how miserable I could have been without you.

ALYSON
(overwhelmed)
Oh my… Preston…

PRESTON
I know that’s a lot to take in.

ALYSON
That and I just realized that this is probably the first time since you bought that thing that you haven’t given me that schpiel about how “It’s not a Playstation it’s an X-BOX…

PRESTON & ALYSON
(in unison)
…360.”

PRESTON
Those things are of zero importance to me now and… and… Aly… I can’t keep my hands off of you.

ALYSON
(playful)
Yeah, I kinda noticed that.

PRESTON walks across the room and retrieves a wrapped condom from a drawer. He crawls onto the couch and crawls up to ALYSON’s mouth and they begin kissing.

PRESTON
(clearly in sex mode)
We wouldn’t want another pregnancy scare now would we?

ALYSON slowly opens her eyes and pushes PRESTON away.

ALYSON
Oh. My. God. Nick told you. (half-kidding) I’ll kick his butt. I trusted him to keep that a secret until I was ready. I can’t believe that he told you.

PRESTON
No I didn’t, -uh, er – he didn’t. Nick is a wonderful friend, he cares about you so much. (reassuring, caressing her face) I love you Alyson.

ALYSON
You’re not angry?

PRESTON
At you? Never.

ALYSON
I still wish that Nick had let me tell you.

Suddenly the lights dim & flicker as we hear a voice - almost as if from another dimension:

VOICE
Wish? Did somebody say wish?

ALYSON
Wha - who was that? Is there someone else here? Preston have you been filming all of this for one of your lame YouTube videos?

PRESTON goes to a drawer and removes a small box.

PRESTON
I think this will explain everything.

ALYSON
(opens the box)
A locket? It’s… not exactly something I’d wear.

PRESTON
I know it’s gaudy, hideous even, but…

The lights dim & flicker again as we hear…

VOICE
REMEMBER IT IS WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS!

ALYSON
That’s it! I don't want a gift. I want an EXPLANATION!

ALYSON throws the locket behind the couch. The lights flicker once more as we hear that otherworldly voice:
VOICE
HEY! WATCH IT!

ALYSON
Preston, what the fu -- !?

Suddenly there is a light show and loud “intro” music. A man (FONZIE) decked out in pajama bottoms and an oversized t-shirt emerges from behind the couch. His hair is tied into a ponytail atop his head and he’s eating a large bag of CHEETOS. He bends down and puts on the necklace. PRESTON and ALYSON attempt to yell over the music, but they cannot hear one another.

PRESTON
He’s a genie!

ALYSON
A w-what!?

PRESTON
I said… (frustrated) FONZIE COULD YOU CUT THE INTRO?

FONZIE snaps his fingers and the music stops.

FONZIE
So what would you little maniacs like to do first?

PRESTON
Alyson this is Fonzie.

ALYSON
Fonzie?

PRESTON
His real name is Fonzir Malaka-lama.... (*mumbles incoherently*) …I just call him FONZIE.

FONZIE
Ayyyyyy. (thumbs up)

ALYSON
Where did he come from?

FONZIE
This locket you hurled across the room is my home m'lady.

ALYSON
The locket? Wha - - how!? Prove it.

FONZIE
Prove it?

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe in you.

FONZIE
But I am standing right here.

FONZIE waves his hand in front of ALYSON’s eyes.

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe that you’re a –

ALYSON
A what? A pervert?

PRESTON
A genie.

ALYSON
A genie?

FONZIE
Yes, much like your Barbara Eden (lifts shirt) minus the attractive abdominal region.

PRESTON
You have to show her. Can you DO something to prove it to her?

ALYSON
Yeah, why don’t you do something “magical” … like conjure yourself up a six pack of abs?

FONZIE
Is that one of your wishes?

Cue the “light show”…

PRESTON
No! No! Just – y’know do a little something to prove that you have INFINITE COSMIC POWERS!

The “light show” stops.

FONZIE
It’s rather inappropriate. However… (FONZIE pulls a quarter out of PRESTON’s ear) breathtaking, no?

ALYSON
You took a quarter from his ear? Wow! My uncle Bert used to do that!

FONZIE holds the quarter up to ALYSON’S eye line.

FONZIE
Ah, but take a closer look it’s a Hawaii state quarter! These won’t even be minted until at least November of this year! Well, that was quite the squander of my abilities. Unlike this never ending bag of CHEE-tos.

ALYSON
It’s going to take a lot more than some weak parlor trick to convince me that “Fonzie” here is supernatural in origin.

PRESTON
If you would just give me a moment to illuminate…

ALYSON takes PRESTON’s hand and takes him to the couch.

ALYSON
Honey, I think you need help, professional help. I’ll be there every step of the way because I love you. I just wish that I knew what was going on with you.

ALYSON and PRESTON begin to kiss tenderly.

FONZIE
WISH? MAKE IT SO!

FONZIE claps his hands, the lights begin to dim & flicker yet again and soon a quick-cut (30 second?) montage of images pertaining to the parts of the story that have lead us here is projected onto the wall: a light switch, a key, the Hawaii quarter, Barbara Eden, cheetos, pregnancy tests, X-Box, etc.

During the montage ALYSON breaks the kiss and jumps off of couch & grabs golf club from sports bag.

ALYSON
HOLY SHIT! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON!!!!



PRESTON
Please put the club down Aly. I’m not going to hurt you.

ALYSON grabs PRESTON’S face and begins pulling as if she is trying to remove a mask.

PRESTON
Ow! Ow! Ouch! What do you think this is Mission:Impossible?

ALYSON
That would explain what the hell is going on Nick. (pause) That is you isn’t it Nick?

NICK
Um, yes.

ALYSON
Oh God Nick. Why?

PRESTON
I’m sorry.

PRESTON steps towards ALYSON

ALYSON
Move another centimeter and I will go Tiger Woods on your ASS!!! Genies? Never ending bags of CHEETOS? Body swapping? WHAT THE FUCK is going on here... Pres – NICK!?

PRESTON
I LOVE you Alyson.

ALYSON
You love me? This is how you show me that you LOVE me?

PRESTON
I was convinced that it was the only way that you would ever have me.

ALYSON
Oh gawd. I had sex with you. I had lots of sex with you because I thought that you were… ughk! You had sex with me with his…

PRESTON
Yeah… the way he always talked about it I expected it to be bigger than mine.

ALYSON
(distracted)
Yours?

PRESTON and ALYSON glance down.

FONZIE
DID SOMEBODY SAY WISH? (he pauses as ALYSON glares at him) Sorry. But that is a popular request. Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge…

ALYSON
Is that what this is? Is this the result of some sick wish that you made to get into my pants?

PRESTON
It’s not just a sex thing. I’ve been crazy about you since way before Preston was in the picture.

ALYSON
So what Nick? You just decided to step in? Why didn’t you just wish for me to fall in love with you?

FONZIE & PRESTON
That is not allowed.

ALYSON
Where’s my… the real Preston?

PRESTON
He’s in my body… my old body.

ALYSON
Oh, I bet that he loves that.

PRESTON
What is that supposed to mean?

ALYSON
(pause)
How long have you been in there?

PRESTON
Since Preston's birthday.

ALYSON
How?

PRESTON
Preston and I had a tradition. On his birthday we would have breakfast at Epiphany’s.

ALYSON
Epiphany’s? Is that like IHOP?

PRESTON
Sorta…. i-it’s a strip club.

ALYSON
A strip club with a breakfast menu?

FONZIE
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PASTIES!

PRESTON
Buffet actually.

FONZIE
ALL YOU CAN EAT!

ALYSON
I see. How long have you two had this “tradition”.

PRESTON
Well, t-this was the first and only year. It was Preston’s idea.

ALYSON
These past three weeks. It’s all been you?

PRESTON
Yes. I was so afraid. Petrified actually. I didn't know HOW to explain this.

FONZIE
BOOBIES WITH A SIDE ORDER OF BACON! (pause) Too much?

PRESTON
Alyson I –

ALYSON
Wait. What does any of this have to do with a strip club buffet?

PRESTON
On our way out the door Preston recalled that you mentioned something about an “upcoming anniversary” so he decided to raid Epiphany’s lost & found box… that’s where he found the locket.

FONZIE
(singing)
HEY BIG SPENDER!!! BA-DA-DA-DA!!!

ALYSON
Typical Preston.

PRESTON
To skimp on something that obviously meant so much to you? Yeah, that was pretty typical of Preston. (PRESTON pulls a folded, crumpled up paper out of his pocket) Do you remember this?

ALYSON
(reading)
“In the event that Preston Murray does not marry me by June of the year 2010, I, Alyson Parker, will marry…” (quiet) I can’t believe you kept this...

FONZIE
Somebody watches too many “chick flicks”.

ALYSON
Nick, even if I were to honor this there is still 2 years left on it. If Preston hadn't proposed in that time frame then maybe I would have married you.

PRESTON
Aly, he was NEVER going to marry you!

ALYSON
You DON'T know that!

PRESTON
Fine. If you don’t want me you can make this all go away with one of your wishes.

ALYSON
One of my wishes?

FONZIE
Correct. As the new owner of the locket the three wishes are now to be granted to you. One down, two to go.

ALYSON
I don’t want any wishes!

FONZIE
TOO LATE!

ALYSON
And I want to make damn sure that he doesn’t use any more either!

PRESTON
Ah, well…

FONZIE
On the contrary he did not use even one of his wishes!

ALYSON
Wait. What?

FONZIE
Prest – er, uh Nick didn’t use a single one of his wishes.

ALYSON
I don’t understand. If you didn’t…

PRESTON
Preston was a little surprised when he realized what had happened.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just change it back?

PRESTON
He didn’t have any wishes left. And when I offered he -

ALYSON
What else did he wish for?

PRESTON
Well, first he wished for a never-ending supply of money. Then he wished for a multi-bedroom palace in *a-hem* Thailand.

FONZIE
Not just any palace! A multi-bedroom palace in the kingdom of hot, barely legal, sometimes illegal, anonymous SEX!

PRESTON
Oh God.

ALYSON
Couldn’t he have just bought a palace?

PRESTON
Preston was a moron.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just wish for more wishes? Or is that forbidden too?

FONZIE
Contrary to popular belief that would have been acceptable.

PRESTON
Again we’re talking about Preston here and he wasn’t bright enough to think of that.

FONZIE
Preston was GREEDY. He made his three wishes in haste instead of taking his time.

ALYSON
The money, the palace... and then… what?

PRESTON
He… he wanted out…. OUT of your relationship.

ALYSON
“Out”? He makes it sound like he was trapped.

FONZIE
That is PRECISELY how he stated it!

PRESTON
Dammit Fonzie…

ALYSON
(hurt)
Where is he now?

PRESTON
I tried to stop him, Aly. I called him insane. But he said that he wanted be a single man again. I insisted that it wasn’t all that he thought it was cracked up to be. Then he said “I wish…”

FONZIE
Your wish is my…

PRESTON
He said quote:

FONZIE
(a moment of clarity)
Ah…

PRESTON
“I wish that we could switch places!” and that is what Fonzie made happen… literally.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just tell me that he wanted out?

PRESTON
Because he was an asshole! I think you know that Alyson. For three years I watched him ignore, mistreat and all around take you for granted. Meanwhile I became your best friend… while also falling in love with everything about you.

ALYSON
Why didn’t you use any of your wishes?

PRESTON
Alyson, if I have you I don’t need anything else.

FONZIE “fake vomits” into his CHEETOS and then he continues to eat them. PRESTON & ALYSON sit on the couch staring at the contract.

ALYSON
I should have seen it. I think I did see it. The way you held my hand, the way you’d rub my back, way you’ve looked at me recently… the the old Preston never looked at me like that, even on those rare occasions when he would utter the ‘L’ word.

FONZIE
(confused & muttering in the background)
Lemons, lesbians, light bulbs, liquor, linoleum… ?

ALYSON
I think I love you too Nick.

PRESTON & ALYSON kiss.

ALYSON
This is so… unhealthy.

PRESTON
I’m aware of that.

ALYSON
I wish that I knew the right thing to do.

FONZIE
Aaand there’s #2!

PRESTON
Oh no.

FONZIE grabs ALYSON’s head, and we get the usual fanfare: flickering lights, etc. ALYSON appears almost as if she’s being electrocuted –she hits the floor with a “thud”.

PRESTON
Jeez! Fonzie!

FONZIE perches on the back of the couch, regally, he knows what’s coming…

PRESTON
(worried)
Alyson?

ALYSON comes to and appears as if she’s had some sort of revelation.

ALYSON
I’m okay Nick…

PRESTON
You preferred Preston because he looked like this. Now I look like this. I can make you forget that Preston ever existed. So what do you say?

ALYSON
I wish…. I… wish…

Lights out.

THE END

ENSLAVED IN SEATTLE

Here is the full script for "Enslaved in Seattle" that I wrote in a matter of hours for Venture Theatre's 2nd Annual Wet Ink Festival. PHOTOS by Amanda Lackman.

FULL VIDEO of the production is available on youtube!



Dramatic music, “Carmina Burana” or something spookier. A robed figure walks out onto the stage, unfurls a scroll, the music fades and they begin to read:


FIGURE
Enriched flour, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, vegetable oil, cottonseed oil, palm oil and/or ascorbyl palmitate, dehydrated vegetables, chicken powder, monosodium glutamate, dextrose, potassium carbonate, sodium carbonate, sodium tripolyphosate, sodium algate, natural flavors, disodium inosinate, artificial flavors…

The spooky music resumes, our figure then dramatically places a “Cup Noodles” into a microwave and begins to start the timer… the music stops and then the figure continues to read from the scroll…

FIGURE
…manufactured in a facility that also processes milk, egg, peanuts, tree nut, fish and shrimp products.

The music resumes, the figure returns to the microwave and starts nuking the “Cup Noodles” and quickly exits the stage. The noodles continue to cook as ELIZA enters the stage. She notices the operating microwave…

ELIZA
Dammit Seth…

SETH enters.

SETH
What?

ELIZA
You left your damn cup o’ noodles going in the microwave again. How many times have I asked you NOT to leave your food unattended?

SETH
And how many times have I told YOU that they’re NOT Cup O’ Noodles… there is NO ‘O’ anywhere in the name of the product! It is simply… CUP NOODLES… thank you very much.

ELIZA
Whatever! All I know is that I’m tired of your toxic pasta cups spewing all over my clean microwave.

SETH
I’m sorry, babe.

ELIZA
I guess that I thought when you started making better money at the office that it would be the end of Cup o’ (stops herself) …uh cup noodles and macaroni dinners.

SETH
What can I say? I’m hooked. Blame my mother… she never let me have that stuff growing up. My sister Shelly and I used to call her MAMA SODIUM GLUTEMATE for the way she used to scrutenize the ingredients of everything we put in our mouths. The day I moved out of the house my first stop was the inappropriate starches aisle at the Grocery Outlet.

ELIZA
And you’ve been fattening up your tapeworm ever since.

SETH
Ha Ha. Admit it you enjoy a cup or two now and then.

ELIZA
Maybe… but only the Picante Shrimp flavor.

SETH retrieves a shrimp cup noodles from the cupboard, offstage (?).

SETH
Happy anniversary!

ELIZA
I hope you’re joking.

SETH
Well… I didn’t want to ruin the surprise… but…

ELIZA
Stop with the suspense already! Tell me.

SETH
Mom’s coming to see us.

ELIZA (clearly not pleased)
Oh.

SETH
Jeez… you don’t have to sound so elated.

ELIZA
I think I’d rather just have the cup noodles and skip this round of maternal visitation.

SETH
Aw, c’mon mom loves you!

ELIZA
Yeah, about as much as she loves top ramen.

SETH
Well, I love you.

ELIZA (sighs)
So… when is this visit?

There is a sudden knock, rapid rapping at the door.

SETH
Uh, well…

ELIZA (frustrated)
Ugh. Seth.

Without being welcome in SETH’s mother bursts into the apartment w/ her daughter SHELLY in tow.

MSG
Baby boy! Give your mother a hug!

SETH embraces his mother.

ELIZA
Hello Shelly.

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go to hell, you stupid bitch.

ELIZA
I don’t know what you just said. But somehow I don’t think that you were complimenting my shoes.

SETH
Shelly!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Brother!

They hug.

SETH
Still stuck in Espanol mode ‘eh sis?

ELIZA
Is she still hung up on marrying Antonio Banderas?

SETH
Ever since she was 14.

MSG
It was all of those repeat viewings of Evita… I knew I should have taken that DVD away from her. My poor, sweet baby girl! At least she has her mother.

ELIZA
So… uh, Seth’s mom… what brings you to the Emerald city?

MSG
Didn’t Seth tell you?

ELIZA
Tell me what?

MSG
I’m moving to Seattle!

ELIZA (shocked)
What?


SETH (sheepishly)
Surprise!

MSG
It’ll be wonderful! Shelly and I will be able to visit every weekend!

ELIZA (not thrilled)
Great.

MSG
We’ll be able to enjoy the coffee, the space needle,

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go Seattle Super Sonics!

MSG
The sports teams, Ooh and the local art scene…

ELIZA
The high suicide rate…

MSG
What was that dear?

ELIZA
Nothing.

MSG spots the cup noodles sitting on a table.

MSG
What is this? This garbage is what you’re feeding my boy? I hope not on a regular basis.

SETH
Mom, I am perfectly capable of feeding garbage to myself. I don’t need Eliza’s help.

MSG
What you need is a gal that can cook OR at least a gal with a decent recipe collection. (to Eliza) Write this down dear…

ELIZA goes for a pen.

ELIZA
Gah! Wet… ink...

MSG
Wedding? You’re getting married? I suppose I am the last to know. Oh, god… you’re not pregnant are you?

ELIZA & SETH
NO!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
So much for the virgin bride!

SETH
And we’re not getting married either… at least not yet.

MSG starts going through the(offstage?) cupboard and unloading all of the cup noodles.

MSG
OH MY GOD… look at all of these CARBS!!! Cup o’ noodles, cup o’ noodles…

ELIZA
Um, actually its cup noodles… there is no ‘O’.

MSG
Do you know what this stuff does to your system? It just sits there… rotting away in your intestines…

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Nasty caca!

SETH
Cup noodles aren’t so evil mom. C’mon look at the packaging… you’ve got carrots, corn, peas… Remember how hard it was for you to get me to eat my peas as a kid?

MSG
My god! Listen to you… you’re like some sort of cup o’ noodles ZOMBIE!

SETH
What did you say?

MSG
Okay… I’m sorry… cup noodles.

SETH
No… the other thing… Z-

MSG
ZOMBIE!?

The spooky music starts again and SETH goes into a trancelike state. He goes “crazy” and begins throwing out unopened “Cup Noodles” into the audience. The music stops and SETH passes out onto the floor.

MSG & ELIZA go to SETH.

MSG
Seth! Oh my baby! Somebody dial 9-1-1!

SHELLY runs around w/ her cell phone repeating “9-1-1” in Spanish.

ELIZA
What are we supposed to tell them exactly? That he OD’d on cut-rate noodles?

SETH sits bolt-straight up!






SETH
Join me…. Join meeeeee…

ELIZA
Join you?

SETH
It’s beautiful here… everything smells like broth and there are 0 grams of Trans Fat… join meeeeeeeee.

MSG
I knew it! My boy is a SOUP ZOMBIE!

SETH
Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup…
Much more than a soup…

SHELLY
EAT THE NOOOOOODLES…

MSG & ELIZA turn to see SHELLY eating the noodles with her bare hands.

MSG
OH MY GOD! Shelly not you too!?

SETH rises from the floor and takes 2 fists full of noodles and begins lumbering towards his mother and girlfriend.

SETH
EAT… NOODLES… EAT… NOODLES…

The stage goes dark. When the lights come back everyone is in robes… end the show with an interpretive dance number… then they throw any remaining (unopen) noodles into the audience.

THE END

The Seven Year Itch

Well... I auditioned for "Jacob Marley's Christmas Carol" at Venture. I didn't get cast. Naturally. At this point I'm pretty certain I'll never get cast in anything... at least until someone comes up with another twitchy, moaning mental patient role.

Ah well, after reading the book I think they made a mistake not doing the classic Dickens version of "Carol". It is afterall one of my favorite stories of all time. Or they could do my version... Twas the Night Before a Wonderful Christmas Carol on 34th Street.

Recently my station has started offering a weekly poll for viewers to vote for which NFL weekend games they'd like us to air.

Great idea, right?

I thought so too... when I thought of it like THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO!

*sigh* And I don't even like football.

Earlier this week it was brought to my attention that my 7 YEAR ANNIVERSARY at the station has come and gone. Ugh! What a fucking nightmare.

Recently I had a (albeit brief) flash of confidence and I sat down with a list of the schedules and shows available for both stations and I came up with my own ideas to improve upon our current "monkey with a dart board" daily lineup(s). I was so confident in the results I came up with that I forwarded them to our general manager along with some promotional ideas I also had .

Friday morning I spoke with our GM about the material I sent him. And he said that I had some "great ideas". However he also said that our current program directors does a "very good job".

Whaa--!? NO. SHE DOESN'T! That was part of my reasoning for sitting down and trying to figure out how it could be done BETTER!

My conversation with the GM ended with him telling me "Small market television is not the place to get rich." WTF!? I wasn't trying to get rich! I was trying to add something to my resume besides "button pushing monkey". I was attempting to turn our station into something besides the punchline it is to many local viewers.

I am so fucking sick of going to a job that makes me feel like coming home and simultaneously sticking my head in the oven and slashing my wrists while OD-ing on illegal narcotics.

I'm tired of giving 110% at everything and feeling nothing but pissed on... Oooh and FUDDBUCKS!

Last weekend when the station was in a constant state of CLUSTERFUCKDOM... due to the first blizzard of the year... there was an attempt to soothe my frustration with the suggestion that there might be more Fuddbucks in it for me.

Y'know I actually attempted to use some of my Fuddbucks a while back. Unfortunately I was at Rimrock Mall and the the F'bucks are only good at the Overland Ave. location. Hmmmmph... some bonus.



"Where's my golden shower?" Does Michael Scott know how to throw a baby shower or what? Last night's episode of The Office was another classic... an awkward, awkward classic. The last scene with Jim and Pam's phone messages was kind of cheesy... but I loved it.



This week TWO different Ghostbusters comics were released. The first in what may be a series of manga graphic novels from Tokyopop. And issue one of IDW's 4-issue mini series. Ghostbusters: The Other Side.

To be honest I was more interested in the "traditional" IDW series than the manga book. However after having read them both... it kind of saddens me to say that the manga was better than the IDW series.

Tokyopop's Ghostbusters: Ghost Busted. Was funny and charming, but now without it's flaws. However you can tell it was created by people who love Ghostbusters.

IDW's Ghostbusters: The Other Side is terrible. It's like rancid fan fiction. In fact I'm pretty sure there is a lot better GB fanfic out there somewhere on the internets. I'm also pretty sure that there are a couple of big name comic book creators who would do a Ghostbusters comic for FREE! Instead we get this... P.O.S.

I actually began to worry about The Other Side back in July when I read an interview with the guy who wrote it - Keith Champagne. He really didn't seem to be that big of a fan of the source material, not that you'd have to be a GIANT 'bustin fanboy to write a decent Ghostbusters tale... but this guy just didn't seem to get Ghostbusters.

The Other Side pits the Ghostbusters against a group of Ghost Mobsters. The end result is lukewarm at best.

I'd pull some examples of horrible dialogue/script issues for you guys... but I've already passed the issue on to a friend to see if he thinks it's a god awful as I do, or if I'm just being too much of a geeky fanboy.



Not to mention the Ghostbusters have already fought Ghost Gangsters... Twenty years ago (Yipes!) is issue 7 of The Real Ghostbusters comic book series.

This makes me ponder if there's anyway someone could revive the RGB property in comic book form!? Why can't they use the eternally young versions of the boys to keep telling stories for years? It wouldn't be any different then all of those seemingly ageless guys in tights and capes who have been around for sixty and seventy years.

Oh... the weather outside is spiteful...

HOLY CRAP! It's Captain America... ON THE ROCKS! Heh. This is a screencap from a deleted scene on the upcoming DVD release of The Incredible Hulk.

There's a point when Bruce Banner gives up on his quest for the cure and decide to kill himself. So he travels to the Arctic Circle. The result was a very dark scene, which Marvel considered to be too hard for young audiences to take.

For those of you unfamiliar with Cap's origin: sometime after WWII he winds up frozen in the arctic, decades later he is thawed out so that he can join the AVENGERS!

Speaking of the HULK dvd... wouldn't it be cool if there was a Hulk Head case like the recent IRON MAN collector's edition!? Ah... a geek can dream. Can't he? The Incredible Hulk hits DVD on October 21st.



I had the weekend from HELL at the tv station. A 12 hour shift that felt more like THIRTY-SIX.

I lost a good chunk out of one of my fingers on the fence outside the station while I was attempting to sweep snow off of the satellite dishes at work. I swear there's a nice slab of Travis meat still hanging outside the station.

Not to mention I fell... TWICE! If I had twisted my leg or cracked my head open I would been stuck laying in the snow until about 9 in the morning when the new guy showed up.

Let's see... the phone rang every 5-10 minutes between the Miles City transmitter, the douche from Dish TV calling and bitching about the audio, our engineer having to go up and work on the iced over KSVI transmitter.... Argh!

To top it off the new guy comes in bitching about how he's "so sick". FUCK YOU! I've never even been able to use a sick day without getting a major fucking guilt trip & this includes the time I spent 5 days in the hospital. And newbie sure as hell wasn't letting his illness prevent him from going out for a cigarette every 5 minutes.

Then the new guy proceeds to bitch about his wife and how I should "avoid getting married at all costs". DOUBLE FUCK YOU!

*sigh*

After the e-mails I sent out to my supervisors about how I thought my talents might be put to better use... who knows if I'll even have a job at the station much longer.

Kind of scary. But it would also kind of be a relief.

When I got home from work the POWER WAS OUT! Hallelujah! I was actually kind of relieved to NOT have to deal with technology for a while.



Dad got an update from the doctors. It seems they were rather puzzled by what they found and had to send their findings out of state for further studies! Apparently he has some extra PROTEIN deposits growing inside his lungs. WTF!?

Apparently this is rare enough that they can't just look it up in some medical book.

The Apocalypse? Sweet!

The Umbrella Academy is difficult to summarize without sounding outlandish. I suppose this is part of its appeal. Part X-Men, part Wes Anderson flick.

The Umbrella Academy starts with the birth of "forty-three extraordinary children", born on the same day at exactly 9:38 pm, mostly to unwed mothers who showed no sign of pregnancy in seemingly random locations around the world . The children who survived were all either abandoned or put up for adoption.

Enter, Sir Reginald Hargreeves a.ka. The Monocle. He adopts as many of the children as he can find (seven) and shows them so much love that he doesn't even bother to name them!

The Umbrella Academy has all the absurdity, vibrancy, and energy of 1950s or 60s-era comic book. In the first issue when the Eiffel Tower, commandeered by Zombie-Robot Gustave Eiffel, attacks Paris before blasting off into space, it's baffling and hilarious at the same time. And when an appreciative Parisian mayor gives the kids the key to the city and declares "ice cream for everyone" immediately afterward, the tone and pace are set for the series.

Issue 1 ends with this note, which made me incredibly giggly upon reading it:

This is the end of the first part of the Umbrella Academy adventure: Apocalypse Suite. There are five more chapters to the series, with twenty-two pages per chapter, totaling one hundred and thirty-two pages, there are seven members of the Umbrella Academy, and Seventy-Two names on the Eiffel Tower. There is no connection between these numbers.

The Umbrella Academy was created and is written by Gerard Way (lead singer of My Chemical Romance). Instead of doing a tradional "on going" series, Umbrella Academy is being presented as an infinite series of mini-series.

The first six issues, dubbed "The Apocalypse Suite", are avaiable in a handy trade paperback. The next ssix-parter titled "Dallas" begins next month.

I highly recommend this book for hardcore OR casual comic book readers. Especially those who have recently boarded the ol' Watchmen bandwagon.

Yeah, cuz believe it or not... Rumor has it.... (Ha! You'll get that when you've read the book!) that Umbrella Academy has been optioned by a "major Hollywood studio".