TAXIDERMY CONFESSIONS by Travis M. Bierwagen

OPEN in a dimly lit room where we see nothing but a couch covered in a bed sheet.  There is a crash/broken glass?  And then two teenage girls enter…

CLARISSA

Sorry about the window.

HARLEY

You’re like a wrecking ball, Miley Cyrus.

HARLEY turns on the light.

HARLEY

So Whaddya think?

 CLARISSA

Woooow…

HARLEY

I know right?

CLARISSA

How did nobody else know about this place?

HARLEY

I think it became harder to find after they took down that amazing sign, and replaced it with that banner that looks like something straight out of Mr. Archer’s graphics class.

HARLEY picks a business card up off of the floor.

HARLEY (reading card)

Another Spin Premium Taxidermy

CLARISSA

My uncle is an accountant… he’s always busy during tax season.

HARLEY

Taxidermy… not taxes.   Y’know… like stuffed animals?

CLARISSA

Ooh! I love stuffed animals… I have a Pooh bear, a fluffy unicorn, a panda that my dad won for me at the fair…

HARLEY
Those are plush animals.  I’m talking taxidermy… stuffed and mounted.

CLARISSA

That’s what she said! (quiet pause)  Did I use it right that time?

HARLEY

I don’t think so.

CLARISSA
We could bring boys here and make out with them, and my dad would never be the wiser.

HARLEY

Pffft… Clarissa, when was the last time you made out with a boy?

CLARISSSA mumbles something incoherent.

HARLEY

That’s what I thought.

 CLARISSA

Yeah, Harley…  because your social calendar is SO MUCH  fuller than mine.

HARLEY
Anyway… we need to keep this place as TOP SECRET as possible.  This will be a very exclusive club.

In fact we should discuss who is and who is NOT allowed to know about our little dwelling.

CLARISSA

Lisa?

HARLEY & CLARISSA
Yes.

HARLEY

Felicia?

HARLEY & CLARISSA
No.

CLARISSA
Debbie… oh, excuse me… Deborah?

HARLEY

Maaaaybe…

CLARISSA

Darcy?

HARLEY & CLARISSA

Definitely not.

While walking behind the couch HARLEY knocks something over, it is…

HARLEY
A drum!

CLARISSA

Whoah!  Do you think some band was using this building for rehearsals?

HARLEY

Not unless it was a very old band…

CLARISSA
Or it could have been one of those “edgy” bands that’s all like – “Look at us, we’re edgy because we’re using unconventional instruments and junk…”

HARLEY taps out a simple pattern on the drum, something underneath the sheet on the couch RISES.   The girls scream.

HARLEY

What is it?

CLARISSA

I don’t know… and I’m not hanging around to find out.

CLARISSA begins to high tail it out of there.

HARLEY

WAIT!

HARLEY taps out the same drum pattern as before, the THING lies back down.

 HARLEY

This drum controls whatever it is that’s hidden under this blanket.

CLARISSA

Well, Veronica Mars, now that you have solved that mystery… let’s get the frak out of here.

HARLEY once again uses the drum to awaken the thing beneath the sheet.

HARLEY

Holy crap! What if it’s some kind of kick ass robot or something?

CLARISSA

Yeah… or something.

HARLEY begins to pull on sheet.

CLARISSA
Harley! No! Wait! Let’s just go… I’m sure that we can find some other decrepit building to hang out in… perhaps somewhere with a lot less possessed furniture?

HARLEY
C’mon Clarissa… where is your sense of adventure?

CLARISSA

Would it help if I said that I left it in my gym locker?

HARLEY

No.

HARLEY then pulls the sheet off of the mysterious lump on the couch, to reveal that it is a nicely dressed woman, who appears to be a little “stiff”.

CLARISSA

Poop in a sack!

HARLEY

She’s beautiful… well, as beautiful as one can be, after lying under a sheet, on a couch in an abandoned building.

CLARISSA

Who is she?

HARLEY

I don’t know… why don’t you check her for some form of ID?

CLARISSA

You’re on your own there.

HARLEY slowly, but surely grabs the woman’s hand… the woman says…

WOMAN

Would you like some milk and cookies?

CLARISSA

I’m not really in the mood for snack time; I’d rather just get the hell out of here.

HARLEY

Uh, I didn’t say that…

CLARISSA

Right, if it wasn’t you… who was it?

CLARISSA goes into panic mode and begins pacing back and forth… she then screams.  

HARLEY
What now Clarissa?

CLARISSA
What now?  WHAT NOW!?? You wanna know WHAT now?

HARLEY
Yes.

CLARRISA

Her… th-that… that THING’S eyes… were following me.

HARLEY

What?

HARLEY waves her hands in front of the woman’s eyes.

HARLEY

I’m getting nothing here.

CLARISSA
Try walking back and forth in front of her.

HARLEY paces the room, and then shrieks as she realizes CLARISSA was right.

HARLEY

Oh my god…

HARLEY & CLARISSA say their next lines simultaneously.

CLARISSA

Let’s get out of here.

HARLEY

Let’s take her home!

CLARISSA & HARLEY

WHAT?  ARE YOU CRAZY!?

HARLEY

Don’t you see how amazeballs she is?

HARLEY grabs the WOMAN’S hand…

WOMAN

Always be sure to have a clean pair of underwear!

CLARISSA

Ugh… I think I’m going to faint… or puke… or puke and then faint into my puke… I can’t decide.

 HARLEY grabs the WOMAN’S hand again.

WOMAN

It looks like it’s about wine-thirty!

HARLEY

Whoah! She is like a gift shop plush animal… complete with a button loaded with a butt load of catchphrases!

HARLEY presses the button over and over…

WOMAN (feel free to add and/or replace phrases)

You bet your sweet bippy!

Klaatu barada nikto

Whatchoo talkin about Willis?

Is that your final answer?

I could have used a little more cowbell.

Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I want to go to there.

Are you the key master?

Dammit Jim, I’m a mother… not a doctor!

CLARISSA
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

WOMAN

Don’t have a cow, man…

HARLEY

Yeah, what she said.

CLARISSA

Screw this! I’m out of here!

 Then we hear the creaking, possibly that of a LARGE DOOR opening.

HARLEY

Did you hear that?

CLARISSA

Yeah, I heard that.

HARLEY

I think somebody is coming.

CLARISSA

Oh? You think so?

The door shuts.

CLARISSA & HARLEY

Crap!

The girls scramble, run a couple of laps around the couch, and then eventually situate themselves on the couch with the WOMAN sitting between them.

 CLARISSA

Oh no…

HARLEY

Chill out, Clarissa.

CLARISSA
Somebody… is… coming…

A MAN enters the room and he immediately notices there is something “off” in the vicinity of the couch.  He circles the couch a couple of times, closely inspecting HARLEY and CLARISSA as he does.

MAN

Hmmmm…

The  MAN exits the room.

HARLEY

Let’s get out of here.

CLARISSA

Welcome to what I was thinking 10 minutes ago.

 The girls attempt to sneak out of the room/building.

 As the girls are making their exit they don’t notice that THE MAN has re-entered on the opposite side of the room.

MAN

Can I help you two with something?

HARLEY & CLARISSA

Who us?

MAN

No, I’m talking to the other pair of teenage girls who are illegally trespassing on private property.

HARLEY

Oh? This is your place?

MAN

Uh huh.

CLARISSA

And this is your… wife?

MAN

Wife?  Uh, no… that’s Laura… my - - my mom.

HARLEY
Norman Bates, eat your heart out.

CLARISSA

Harley… let’s not anger the nice man, who is just going to let us go, even though he caught us loitering on what is very obviously his property.

HARLEY

Maybe he should be nicer to us?  Or we’ll just call the cops and tell them about the wackjob with a talking corpse in his warehouse.

HARLEY pulls a cellphone from her pocket.

MAN

Good luck, getting a signal out of here.  That’s one of the reasons I chose this building.  I wanted to be left ALONE.   As for Laura there… this was all her idea.  I’m just a doting son, trying to carry out his mother’s dying wish… 20 years later.

HARLEY & CLARISSA
Her idea?

MAN

Years ago, when I was still a young lad, my mother came to me and she said “Vincent, when I die, I don’t want to be buried, I don’t want to be cremated, I don’t even want to be frozen like Walt Disney.  Vincent, what I want is to be stuffed, like a museum bison!”

HARLEY

Yikes.

MAN

Right?  But I was a kid, I thought she was just being “silly old mom” but over the years, she kept insisting that she when her time came, she wanted this very non-traditional procedure.  Of course over the years she kept requesting upgrades… a voice box with multiple catchphrases, motion detector eyes… y’know stuff like that.

CLARISSA

You couldn’t have just said no?

MAN

Not to my mom.  No way.  After high school I began studying various embalming techniques and animatronic methods… and then about 15 years ago it happened…

CLARISSA & HARLEY
What happened?

MAN

I lost my mommy…

CLARISSA & HARLEY
Awww….

MAN
It was an accident.  An UNECESSARY CAR ACCIDENT!  There was no need for her to leave the house that day.   Why did she have to be such a good mother?  Why did I have to be such a terrible son?

HARLEY

It’s not your fault…

MAN

Oh, but it is.  It was my birthday and in lieu of cake I asked her to prepare her delicious chocolate mousse , she was prepping her cooking materials, when she realized… she didn’t have a blender.  I told her that it was okay, I’d settle for a traditional cake.  But she insisted on running out and buying that goddamn blender…

HARLEY

Well, if she insisted…

CLARISSA

Harley… shut up.

MAN

She didn’t even make it to the store.   Some guy zipped through a red light, he wasn’t even paying attention to the road… he was just “fiddling with his radio.”

HARLEY

You should totally make him pay.

CLARISSA (half heartedly)

Uh… yeah!

MAN

Oh, he’ll get his, trust me.  But first…

HARLEY
Please don’t hurt us mister, we’ll just be on our way… we won’t tell anyone about your robo-mom.  We swear!

CLARISSA

We totally swear!

MAN

I won’t touch a hair on your precious little heads… however… (he reaches for the drum, and taps out a few beats)… MOM WILL!

THE WOMAN rises from the couch and lumbers after the girls in a very Frankenstein monster kind of way.  The girls exit the stage, THE WOMAN goes after them… while VINCENT laughs maniacally.

 

THE END