FULL VIDEO of the production is available on youtube!
Dramatic music, “Carmina Burana” or something spookier. A robed figure walks out onto the stage, unfurls a scroll, the music fades and they begin to read:
FIGURE
Enriched flour, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, vegetable oil, cottonseed oil, palm oil and/or ascorbyl palmitate, dehydrated vegetables, chicken powder, monosodium glutamate, dextrose, potassium carbonate, sodium carbonate, sodium tripolyphosate, sodium algate, natural flavors, disodium inosinate, artificial flavors…
The spooky music resumes, our figure then dramatically places a “Cup Noodles” into a microwave and begins to start the timer… the music stops and then the figure continues to read from the scroll…
FIGURE
…manufactured in a facility that also processes milk, egg, peanuts, tree nut, fish and shrimp products.
The music resumes, the figure returns to the microwave and starts nuking the “Cup Noodles” and quickly exits the stage. The noodles continue to cook as ELIZA enters the stage. She notices the operating microwave…
ELIZA
Dammit Seth…
SETH enters.
SETH
What?
ELIZA
You left your damn cup o’ noodles going in the microwave again. How many times have I asked you NOT to leave your food unattended?
SETH
And how many times have I told YOU that they’re NOT Cup O’ Noodles… there is NO ‘O’ anywhere in the name of the product! It is simply… CUP NOODLES… thank you very much.
ELIZA
Whatever! All I know is that I’m tired of your toxic pasta cups spewing all over my clean microwave.
SETH
I’m sorry, babe.
ELIZA
I guess that I thought when you started making better money at the office that it would be the end of Cup o’ (stops herself) …uh cup noodles and macaroni dinners.
SETH
What can I say? I’m hooked. Blame my mother… she never let me have that stuff growing up. My sister Shelly and I used to call her MAMA SODIUM GLUTEMATE for the way she used to scrutenize the ingredients of everything we put in our mouths. The day I moved out of the house my first stop was the inappropriate starches aisle at the Grocery Outlet.
ELIZA
And you’ve been fattening up your tapeworm ever since.
SETH
Ha Ha. Admit it you enjoy a cup or two now and then.
ELIZA
Maybe… but only the Picante Shrimp flavor.
SETH retrieves a shrimp cup noodles from the cupboard, offstage (?).
SETH
Happy anniversary!
ELIZA
I hope you’re joking.
SETH
Well… I didn’t want to ruin the surprise… but…
ELIZA
Stop with the suspense already! Tell me.
SETH
Mom’s coming to see us.
ELIZA (clearly not pleased)
Oh.
SETH
Jeez… you don’t have to sound so elated.
ELIZA
I think I’d rather just have the cup noodles and skip this round of maternal visitation.
SETH
Aw, c’mon mom loves you!
ELIZA
Yeah, about as much as she loves top ramen.
SETH
Well, I love you.
ELIZA (sighs)
So… when is this visit?
There is a sudden knock, rapid rapping at the door.
SETH
Uh, well…
ELIZA (frustrated)
Ugh. Seth.
Without being welcome in SETH’s mother bursts into the apartment w/ her daughter SHELLY in tow.
MSG
Baby boy! Give your mother a hug!
SETH embraces his mother.
ELIZA
Hello Shelly.
SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go to hell, you stupid bitch.
ELIZA
I don’t know what you just said. But somehow I don’t think that you were complimenting my shoes.
SETH
Shelly!
SHELLY (in Spanish)
Brother!
They hug.
SETH
Still stuck in Espanol mode ‘eh sis?
ELIZA
Is she still hung up on marrying Antonio Banderas?
SETH
Ever since she was 14.
MSG
It was all of those repeat viewings of Evita… I knew I should have taken that DVD away from her. My poor, sweet baby girl! At least she has her mother.
ELIZA
So… uh, Seth’s mom… what brings you to the Emerald city?
MSG
Didn’t Seth tell you?
ELIZA
Tell me what?
MSG
I’m moving to Seattle!
ELIZA (shocked)
What?
SETH (sheepishly)
Surprise!
MSG
It’ll be wonderful! Shelly and I will be able to visit every weekend!
ELIZA (not thrilled)
Great.
MSG
We’ll be able to enjoy the coffee, the space needle,
SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go Seattle Super Sonics!
MSG
The sports teams, Ooh and the local art scene…
ELIZA
The high suicide rate…
MSG
What was that dear?
ELIZA
Nothing.
MSG spots the cup noodles sitting on a table.
MSG
What is this? This garbage is what you’re feeding my boy? I hope not on a regular basis.
SETH
Mom, I am perfectly capable of feeding garbage to myself. I don’t need Eliza’s help.
MSG
What you need is a gal that can cook OR at least a gal with a decent recipe collection. (to Eliza) Write this down dear…
ELIZA goes for a pen.
ELIZA
Gah! Wet… ink...
MSG
Wedding? You’re getting married? I suppose I am the last to know. Oh, god… you’re not pregnant are you?
ELIZA & SETH
NO!
SHELLY (in Spanish)
So much for the virgin bride!
SETH
And we’re not getting married either… at least not yet.
MSG starts going through the(offstage?) cupboard and unloading all of the cup noodles.
MSG
OH MY GOD… look at all of these CARBS!!! Cup o’ noodles, cup o’ noodles…
ELIZA
Um, actually its cup noodles… there is no ‘O’.
MSG
Do you know what this stuff does to your system? It just sits there… rotting away in your intestines…
SHELLY (in Spanish)
Nasty caca!
SETH
Cup noodles aren’t so evil mom. C’mon look at the packaging… you’ve got carrots, corn, peas… Remember how hard it was for you to get me to eat my peas as a kid?
MSG
My god! Listen to you… you’re like some sort of cup o’ noodles ZOMBIE!
SETH
What did you say?
MSG
Okay… I’m sorry… cup noodles.
SETH
No… the other thing… Z-
MSG
ZOMBIE!?
The spooky music starts again and SETH goes into a trancelike state. He goes “crazy” and begins throwing out unopened “Cup Noodles” into the audience. The music stops and SETH passes out onto the floor.
MSG & ELIZA go to SETH.
MSG
Seth! Oh my baby! Somebody dial 9-1-1!
SHELLY runs around w/ her cell phone repeating “9-1-1” in Spanish.
ELIZA
What are we supposed to tell them exactly? That he OD’d on cut-rate noodles?
SETH sits bolt-straight up!
SETH
Join me…. Join meeeeee…
ELIZA
Join you?
SETH
It’s beautiful here… everything smells like broth and there are 0 grams of Trans Fat… join meeeeeeeee.
MSG
I knew it! My boy is a SOUP ZOMBIE!
SETH
Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup…
Much more than a soup…
SHELLY
EAT THE NOOOOOODLES…
MSG & ELIZA turn to see SHELLY eating the noodles with her bare hands.
MSG
OH MY GOD! Shelly not you too!?
SETH rises from the floor and takes 2 fists full of noodles and begins lumbering towards his mother and girlfriend.
SETH
EAT… NOODLES… EAT… NOODLES…
The stage goes dark. When the lights come back everyone is in robes… end the show with an interpretive dance number… then they throw any remaining (unopen) noodles into the audience.
THE END
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