WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #3: THE MEAT

Toy makers JAKK'S PACIFIC are mostly known for the wide range of WRESTLING action figures they produce.  Back in 2006 they expanded a little and began a line of toys based on the ROCKY franchise of films:  Rocky, Mick, Paulie, Apollo Creed, Thunder Lips, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, etc.

One of the most iconic scenes in cinema history is the training scene from the original ROCKY, where Rocky Balboa is taking out his aggression on a frozen slab of beef. 

So it'd make sense if one of the ROCKY action figures included said slab o' meat as an accessory, right? 



You might like our salami, and the liver's all right...  and they really go well with the RYE... or the KAISER!!!



Oh Yeah... I don't.

But that wasn't good enough for JAKK'S PACIFIC. Instead THE MEAT had to become a carded "action figure" of it's own.

Brilliant, huh?!

I mean who doesn't want to blow a good $8-10+ of their action figure budget on a miniature plastic side of beef?


GREAT IDEAS FOR MORE MOVIE PROPS AS ACTION FIGURES!
1. Rosebud from Citizen Kane
2. Ringing Bells from It's A Wonderful Life
3. Wilson from Cast Away
4. The Shower Curtain from Psycho
5. The crawling meat from Poltergeist

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YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!

I like cooking shows. Not all of them, but a lot of them: Iron Chef, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, The Great Food Truck Race, Good Eats, Diners/Drive-Ins & Dives, Cupcake Wars, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes...

I can't really stand to watch FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGE where it is often required for a team of contestants to carry a 6 foot+ tall cake across a room.  That shit is nerve wracking! Who needs one GIANT cake?!  Just gimme two or three regular sized cakes instead.  Plus cake fondant kinda gives me the creeps. 

What exactly is that stuff made out of anyway?

CHOPPED is a fascinating show on the Food Network.  If you're unfamiliar, this is a cooking show, where a group of chefs must create culinary masterpieces from  a "mystery basket" of food items. There are 3 rounds (appetizer, entree and desert).  After each round a team of judges decides who will be CHOPPED for failing to come up with a decent plate of food.  The winning chef gets to take home $10,000. 

Often times the "mystery basket" contains a bizarre mish-mash of (usually 4) food items like: Vienna Sausages, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, Kumquats and a tube of Dora the Explorer toothpaste.

No matter what kind of miracle cuisine these chefs come up with, there's always at least one judge that finds something wrong:

"The way you rendered the Vienna Sausages diluted that distinct pig scrotum flavor and I really missed that."

"With the toothpaste, you really missed an opportunity to use the fluoride to enhance the taste of the kum in the quat."

Ha! Ha! SCROTUM!

Recently FOX debuted the second season of MASTER CHEF or is it MasterChef  (one word)?  A show I enjoyed immensley last summer.  I think Gordon Ramsay is fantastic and is actually a big softie compared to the image he often projects on his other shows (Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares).

MasterChef is like American Idol for cooking enthusiast.   Not professional chefs as much as people who like to tinker around in their kitchens.  Contestants face a variety of challenges from peeling the perfect apple to cooking upperscale cafeteria food for large groups of people. The winner receives a lucrative publishing and endorsement deal.  

The only thing I really can't stand about the show is judge Graham Elliot.  You'd think as a fellow fatty I'd identify with him, perhaps admire and/or look up to him... but for some reason I cannot stand the man.



I just want to smack those damned white framed glasses off of his smug face.

And that hat makes you look like a douchebag too!



WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #2: RITA ESCOBAR

The 1999 cinematic adaptation of the classic 1960s television series THE WILD WILD WEST is responsible for many travesties: giant mechanical spiders, that awful Will Smith song, that worse than awful Enrique Iglesisas song (Bailamos!!!) and yet another forgetable line of toys.

However the film did feature the sexy, saucy Salma Hayek in the role of Rita Escobar.  And unlike the way things usually go with female character to promotional toy crossovers... a Rita Escobar action figure was actually produced!  Sadly it was produced by the unfortunately named X-Toys (which later became N2 Toys).

Believe it or not back in 1999 Rita was highly sought among collectors, at least until the film actually came out.  However the toys hit store shelves around April or May and the film wasn't released until July... allowing for a lot of antici - - pation.

I managed to stumble across one of these poorly sculpted wonders during one of my regular TOYS R US visits.  I paid a whopping 4.99 for it and turned it around for a tidy $30 profit on the ol' bay of E. 

It looks like X-TOYS could have taken a few tips from the folks at TOY ISLAND.  Since I bought her solely to turn around and sell her online I did not open her, so I can't be 100% certain, but it looks like Ms. Escobar has less articulation then one of those little green army men.  Add that to the part where she looks like a candidate for the NFL draft.

Sweet Crap Almighty! They didn't even do the DRESS justice!

It's like they were separated at birth!

I recall the guy who bought it from me was very enthusiastic. I wonder how long it took for that case of buyer's remorse to kick in?

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #1: PUDFACE

Welcome to the first edition of what I hope will be a regular feature here at the blog.   Our first toy comes from the syndicated ROBOCOP tv series that aired in the early 90s. 

Wait... there was a syndicated ROBOCOP tv series in the early 90s?


Yes, there was.  And if you blinked you most likely missed it as it only ran for 23 episodes.  The show was based in part on an abandoned script for ROBOCOP II, however the only character names the series' creators were allowed to use were Robocop and his pre-cyborg moniker of Alex Murphy.  All of the other names had to be changed and references to the films were not allowed.   Oh, and Robocop was guided by a holographic cyber-angel.  WTF?



That's Pudface Morgan to you, pal!

                                                  
Perhaps the oddest thing about the ROBOCOP series was Murphy's arch-nemesis on the show... a man simply known as: PUDFACE.




If you didn't know about the syndicated series, you were probably even less aware that there was a line of toys based on the show.   The toys were produced by a little company called TOY ISLAND.  To say the quality of these figures wasn't great is an understatement.  These things looked like party favors, not good party favors mind you, they were more like dollar store party favors.
 



What did you say young man? *SLAP*


Now this figure makes the initial installment of this feature not only because it was a poorly fabricated and just all around fugly toy.  But, of course, because it's name is PUDFACE!

Imagine the horror of many parents as their child yelled down the aisles of TOYS R US or KayBees... "Mom/Dad! Can I get PUDFACE?!"

The figure is highly UNARTICULATED, note the gun sticking out of his pants, which is actually sculpted onto the figure.  Oooh... playability!  At one time I owned a Pudface figure, which I purchased from a clearance bin at Kaybee Toys.  I never did open the ugly S.O.B and ultimately I think I donated him to charity. 

What was I thinking?  The poor kid who got stuck with that probably grew up to hate toys.

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THE FAIRY-FELLER'S MASTER STROKE

2011 marks the 40th anniversary of the super sonic British rock band QUEEN.  To mark the occasion each album from their discography is being re-released as a 2-disc, remastered CD (or download if you prefer).  This is being done sequentially, in groups of five.  The month of May saw the U.S. debut of the first batch: QUEEN, QUEEN II, SHEER HEART ATTACK, A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, and A DAY AT THE RACES.

I decided to start purchasing these re-releases with one of my favorite Queen albums 1974's QUEEN II.  QUEEN II is Queen's second album.   I know... crazy right?  QUEEN II is a concept album filled with Kings, Queens of various shades, Ogres, Witches, Fairies and all kinds of Dungeons and Dragons/Lord of the Rings type shenanigans. 

QUEEN II is probably their least accessible album, meaning as far stand-out singles - there really isn't one.  Sure, "Seven Seas of Rhye" shows up on many of their greatest hits collections.  But I find it highly unlikley one would want to just sit back and rock out to say... "The March of the Black Queen" (track 9).  I really think that QUEEN II should be listened to as a whole. 

TRACK LIST:  1. Procession, 2. Father To Son, 3. White Queen (As It Began), 4. Some Day One day, 5. The Loser in the End, 6. Ogre Battle, 7. The Fairy-Feller's Master Stroke, 8. Nevermore, 9. March of the Black Queen, 10. Funny How Love Is, 11. Seven Seas of Rhye

You may be more familiar with the QUEEN II album cover image as it was later famously recreated in the band's 1975 video for "Bohemian Rhapsody".  I would like to pick up each of these remasters, however I will have to do so sporadically.  I may just purchase my absolute favorites on CD, and buy downloads of the rest as they tend to be $6 or $7 cheaper.  I haven't decided for certain yet.

The bonus disc includes 5 rare tracks: 1. See What A Fool I've Been (1973 BBC Session); 2. White Queen (Hammersmith Odeon 1975); 3. Seven Seas of Rhye (Instrumental); 4. Nevermore (BBC Sessions 1974) and 5. See What a Fool I've Been (B-Side version, February 1974). 

I was recently listening to a podcast that shall go unnamed, in which one of the hosts commented that he always thought of Queen as a "novelty band".   Seriously?  Freddie Mercury's vocals, Brian May on guitar, Roger Taylor's drumming, and John Deacon on bass = NOVELTY ACT?

Each of QUEEN's album sounded different than the last, but you could always tell that it was QUEEN.   You want to refer to that kind of artistry, creativity and innovation as a "novelty act"?!  For shame sir,  for shame!
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I just can't believe you believe those urban legends, but I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes and debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly!

Welcome to PART 2 of my track-by-track review of "Weird Al" Yankovic's 13th studio album ALPOCALYPSE!

Hellz Yeah!

7. PARTY IN THE CIA (Parody of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA")  Ah-Ha! It's the new theme song for the USA network tv series COVERT AFFAIRS.  Okay, maybe not, I was probably just looking for an excuse to post a picture of a sexy, pouty lipped CIA operative.  

CIA is like the field report of a "wild & crazy" covert agent: Burn that microfilm buddy, will you, I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you! You need a quickie confession? Well, start a waterboarding session!  SONG GRADE: B-

8. RINGTONE - Yet another track from the "Internet Leaks".  This "style parody" is a homage to one of the greatest, most innovative rock bands ever - QUEEN!  This epic tune, done in the grandiose style of "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a mini  rock opera about an embarassing ringtone.  Cuz, hey, who wants to waste $1.99?  SONG GRADE: B

9. ANOTHER TATTOO (Parody of "Nothin' On You" by B.o.B and Bruno Mars) This is the part of the review where I start to feel really, really OLD.  As I am completely UNFAMILIAR with the original song.  However I do know that Bruno Mars is the Douchebag Songsmith Supreme. Unfortunately this song is not about a diminutive actor hoping to land a role in the upcoming big screen adaptation of FANTASY ISLAND.  Fantasy Island? See, I told you that I was old.  The song is actually done from the POV of an ink covered individual who is running out of space on his body to etch anything else, and he does not regret any of the silly, misspelled tattoos (some of which he got on a bet) that he already has including: Clay Aiken, a side of bacon and a clarinet playing Boba Fett. SONG GRADE: B-

10. IF THAT ISN'T LOVE Al has a long history of demented love songs: One More Minute, Melanie, You Don't Love Me Anymore, Good Old Days, and Good Enough For Now to name a few.  If That Isn't Love is another entry into that category.  A style parody of Hanson, featuring Hanson's Taylor Hanson on piano.  The central character here has some strange ideas about the meaning of love. "Even though you made me sit through MAMA MIA, I still adore you.  I totally support every idiotic thing you do, and I almost never pretend your someone else when I'm making out with you". I don't know if I should laugh or cry because I know so many guys who would NOT get that this song is not meant to be some sort of dating advice column set to music.  SONG GRADE: B

11. WHATEVER YOU LIKE (Parody of "Whatever You Like" by T.I.) Yet another time where I feel like my grandpa yelling at the radio, because I'd never heard the original before the release of Al's take on the song.   Personally, I usually like it MORE when Al parodies songs that I like or even love. Not that I don't find any joy in his versions of songs I've never heard or despise.  This was the first of the "Internet Leaks" tracks to be released, according to Al it went from concept to downloadable content in the space of about 2 weeks. That is fantastic use of the avaialble technology IMHO.  "Whatever" parodies the hip hop staple of a guy promising his gal whatever she wants... in these difficult financial times.   "Yeah you like Top Ramen? Need Top Ramen? I've got a cupboard full of 'em.  I'll keep 'em coming". It's like if Mtv's CRIBS did a follow up on some of these rap guys who blow the proceeds from their first album on gold plated everything.  SONG GRADE: B

12. STOP FORWARDING THAT CRAP TO ME This is probably my favorite track on ALPOCALYPSE (note: the title of this blog entry is taken from the lyrics), not only because it is a style parody of a Jim Steinman scribed Meat Loaf tune, but because it is also so damn spot on. "You pass around a link to some dumb thing on youtube everyone else saw three years ago... please stop forwarding that crap to me."  SONG GRADE: A+ 

I'm sure to a few of you that some of my criticisms may seem harsh, especially after claiming that I love Weird Al.  I do love Al and I suppose my disapointment, in part at least, is thanks to the rose colored glasses of nostalgia.  He's been a constant influence to me, a genius who has outlasted many of the acts he's parodied so well for over nearly 3 decades.  Coolio anyone? 

It must be increasingly difficult to find worthy parody fodder.  A popular song doesn't have the life it used to.  These days "15 minutes of fame" isn't much of an exaggeration.  That's why I had such high hopes when Al started toying with digital distribution.  Wow! Instant gratification much?

I also loathe when other comedians seem to look down on what Al does as some "lower form" of comedy.  Like their tired material about growing up fill in the ethnicity was so hard is such advanced, highbrow comedy.  I'm looking at you George Lopez!  There aren't many comedy albums that have moved as many units as Al's records.  And there certainly aren't as many with as high of a replay value.  Used CD shops everywhere are using Dane Cook's 2005 Retaliation album for drink coasters, book markers, and skeet shooting targets.
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I'LL BE A TROLL OR EVIL QUEEN, I'LL BE A HUMAN JELLYBEAN, CUZ EVERYDAY IS HALLOWEEN...

I have been a "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC fan since the third grade. Shortly after he released his second album "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC in 3-D featuring what is probably the BIGGEST song parody of all time "Eat it". 

One of the BIGGEST regrets of my life happened back in 1984 when Al played our local state fair.   Damn straight I attended that show.  However earlier that day while Mr. Yankovic decided to take a friendly stroll around the fairgrounds, I turned into a chicken, instead of approachim him like many others were, I tried to fidn the best hiding spot.  Why?  Well... because I was wearing a Michael Jackson shirt.  And y'know since Al had recorded "Eat It" I figured he must really hate that guy.  Hey! Cut me a break. This is how a 9 year old's brain works! At least that's how my brain worked at that age. *sigh*

I have seen Al perform LIVE a few more times since that August 1984 show.  May 1994, September 2007 and August 2008.  Fantastic shows all.  One thing that struck me funny at one of the more recent shows was the realization of  the wide age spectrum of AL-coholics.  Kids and adults from the ages of 8 to 88.  I saw a 50-something couple dressed up in full AMISH gear. 

Tuesday, June 21st 2011, sees the release of Al's 13th studio album: ALPOCALYPSE.  The four horsemen of the ALPOCALYPSE must be: Parody, Pop Culture, Platinum (as in records -- he's earned 6 of 'em!), and of course -- Polka. 

Much like his 2007 release "Straight Outta Lynwood",  ALPOCALYPSE includes a DVD on the flip side featuring videos for (most of) the album's tunes.

Unlike "Lynwood", the new CD features 5 songs that were previously released in late 2008 and the Summer of 2009 while Al tested out the benefits of digital distribution. 

ALPOCALYPSE is currently available for sneak preview on the music website: mog.com.  Of which I currently have a 14 day trial, so I thought I'd do an early review of each of the albums tracks. 

1. PERFORM THIS WAY (Parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way")  Even the most casual Al fan is probably aware of this song, due to the recent press coverage.  I really hope that Gaga's telling the truth on this one, and that her "people" were the reason for all the confusion.  What can I say? I've kinda got a crush.




Heh. I kind of have a thing for gals with intriguing noses.

 Many people seem to think Gaga's "Born" is about BEING GAY.  These people are WRONG. Plain and simple.  "Born this Way" is about feeling like an outcast, and simply just knowing that you're weird.   Something I think we can all identify with... especially if you're a fan of this blog.  Al's parody is a tribute to Gaga's bizarre ways, from weirdo to another.  I can't wait to see the video he's got planned.  SONG GRADE: A


2. CNR This is what most Al fans refer to as one of his "style parodies", meaning that while it's not a direct parody of a single song, it's done in the style of a certain artist.  "CNR" is an "Internet Leaks" era White Stripes inspired anthem about the many legends of... Charles Nelson Riley?!  "He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds every day"!  It sounds like CNR could give Chuck Norris a run for his money.  SONG GRADE: B-

3. TMZ (Parody of Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me") A country tinged ode to those who are famous for absolutely no reason: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Jay Leno, etc.  Of course it takes quite a few jabs at the "news source" known as TMZ.   My favorite part comes during the breakdown and we get to hear a bunch of sound bytes from infotainment-esque announcers, particularly when one exclaims: "Everything celebrities do is FASCINATING!"  SONG GRADE: A-

4. SKIPPER DAN Another track released back in 2009.  The tale of a starry-eyed sucker with a fine arts degree who is forced to work at a theme park while dreaming bigger, much, much BIGGER.  I'll admit this is not one of my favorite Weird Al songs.  SONG GRADE: C

5. POLKA FACE  This is one of Al's infamous accordian infused,  polka-ized mashups of several current-ish songs, with an emphasis on Lady Gaga's "Poker Face".




Did someone say MORE Gaga?

 This seems like a track that could have benefited from digital distribution as most of the songs included in the medley are at least TWO years old if not older.  Poker Face (2008), Womanizer (2008), I Kissed A Girl (2008), Fireflies (2009), Tik Tok (2009) and several others.

In the past Al's polka medleys have dealt with not-so-new material.  His first polka - 1984's POLKA'S ON 45 featured many classic songs from the Beatles to Hendrix, The Who, The Doors and the Rolling Stones, speaking of which...  1989's HOT ROCKS POLKA was composed entirely of songs my Mick Jagger and the boys.  And 1993's BOHEMIAN POLKA was of course, a polka-fied version of QUEEN'S "Bohemian Rhapsody".

However for the most part these medleys usually seem a little more recent.  Many of the artists included in POLKA FACE have already released NEW albums since the songs Al revamped here.  But I am glad he went for the oh, so obvious POLKA FACE title.  Something I wished for in a facebook status, back in 2009.   SONG GRADE: B

6. CRAIGSLIST This Doors style paordy is another of 2009's "Internet Leaks".  It kind of covers the same territory as Al's 2003 Backstreet Boys parody "eBay".  A song about all the obscure, inane items and services people offer through various online flea markets.  However we do get keyboard work from original Doors' member Ray Manzarek.  SONG GRADE: B-

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2.
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LOCK THE GATES!

Growing up I was quite the COMEDY NERD.  Back in the 80s there was standup comedy all over tv: Mtv, VH1, A&E, Nick at Night, Lifetime, Carson, Letterman and if you were fortunate enough to have premium cable channels like Showtime or HBO... jackpot!  For the record I never thought Gallagher was funny.  Even when I was a kid.  I believe the direct quote from a 6 or 7 year old Travis was: "He smashes stuff? That's it?"

B-but... Travis, you didn't mention COMEDY CENTRAL in the above text!  Well, that's because my local cable provider didn't begin carrying COMEDY CENTRAL until about 1992. 

One of the slew of comedians I discovered post-CC is a guy named Marc Maron.  Maron is a sarcastic, witty and insightful comic and he quickly became one of my favorites.  Aside from his brief appearance in Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous (2000) as the "angry promoter"; I didn't seem to hear much from the guy during this new millenium. 

However apparently he's appeared on CONAN O'BRIEN'S various talk shows over 40 times and I'm sure I must have caught a couple of those along the way.  Finally back in 2010, via a message board that I frequent, I learned MARC MARON was the host of a rather popular podcast!

WTF or (What the Fuck if you must) is posted twice a week.  And it is often incredible.  Not just because of the content, but the fact that he landed a podcast titled WTF before someone beat him to it. Or maybe he didn't?  Perhaps there are other podcasts with the WTF title? I'll go look.  No, nah... I won't bother with that right now.  Just go to Marc's website.

Each episode kicks off with a sound clip of Marc's Almost Famous character shouting the line "LOCK THE GATES!" over, what I think is a pretty catchy theme song.  Every MONDAY and THURSDAY sees the arrival of a new WTF episode featuring Marc interviewing fellow comedians, or at least well known funny people: Dave Foley, Judd Apatow, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and many more! 

I started off just listening to episodes with guests who I was also a fan of, but soon found myself listening to EVERYTHING.  Why? Marc asks great questions.  Often questions listeners probably would ask these people themselves, if they could.  And sometimes even if it's a person you think that you cannot stand, or are perhaps unfamiliar with, you'd be surprised to learn their back story, and maybe at least gain a minor appreciation for what they do. And sometimes not.

My attention was first thrust upon WTF Podcast  #75 aka the Carlos Mencia episode.  In which Marc confronted Ned "Carlos" Holness about his practices of joke stealing, bumping other comedians at clubs and just general douchebaggery.  As someone who has never been a fan of the mindlessness of Mencia, it was a pleasure to hear him practically break down and beg for understanding while at the same time admitting that he is an asshole.
And oh yes the Dane Cook episode in which Mr. SU-FI discusses the theft of his "essence" is quite something too.  As is the recent update to one of the stories heard in Marc's WTF interview with comedian Steve Byrne (WTF #175).

Not every WTF episode is an examination in confrontation. 

Some episodes end with the guest walking out early.  Okay, ONE episode (#145) with Gallagher ends that way.  It's worth a listen to hear the Sledge-O-Matic king rant about what he believes is his rightful place in the world of comedy and the conspiracy theories as to why he hasn't been allowed to succeed where other "less talented" people have.  While also suggesting that much of his current material, which has come under fire for being racist and homophobic amongst other things, is perfectly fine because they're just "street jokes" that are not entirely of his creation.

Many episodes start with Marc admitting that he thinks his interview subject doesn't like him or at the very least that there is conflict of some kind between them. Only to discover it was all in his head.  Maybe I find such relief in these episodes because I often suffer from the "Oh, that guy hates me" syndrome. 

Other WTF episodes of note include:
#163 Conan O'Brien - At last some great insight from COCO about how he endured the NBC horse shit. And how he's happy to to have a show of his own, opposed to one that he inherited. 
#146 Dave Foley - The Kids in the Hall member, who IMHO made the sexiest woman, reflects on the birth of comedy troupe.  And discusses how a crazy ex-wife has resulted in dire financial troubles which keep him from returning to his home country of Canada. 

Episodes featuring some of my "old school" favorites Bobcat Goldthwait (#167),  Laura Kightlinger (#166), Tom Rhodes (#158) are also a treat.  If that doesn't float your boat there are also interviews with more current comedians such as Patton Oswalt (#144), Brian Posehn (#181), Adam Carolla (#159) and Paul F. Tompkins (#150). 

Poehler? I barely know 'er!



The most recent episode featuring Amy Poehler of  "Parks and Recreation" is pretty damn fantastic.  In roughly 86 minutes we cover a lot of territory.  The birth of Upright Citizens brigade (and all it's offshoots), SNL, being a female in the comedy biz, SNL, Lorne Michaels, kids, improv comedy, working with Marc in the 90s and her fears of being compared to Steve Carrell.  While most episodes clock in at about 60-70 minutes, this one, as I noted above runs a tad longer.


I'd love to hear Maron land some of my favorite funny folks: Weird Al, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Michael Keaton, Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day, Diablo Cody, Edgar Wright... and I'm sure Marc would like to land interviews with many of these people as well.  I'd also love to hear him interview actor Vincent D'Onofrio, while not really being known as a comedian or even comedic actor, Marc does have a pretty amusing story involving the Law & Order: Criminal Intent actor.

There was a time when I got jealous hearing/reading about all of these podcasts people were listening to and I couldn't ( because didn't have the proper internet connection, computer, etc).  Then one day I had access to these glorious things called podcasts.  For the most part I was disappointed and realized that I had not been missing out on a whole lot. 

WTF definitely stands out amongst all the crap infesting the world wide web.  

So... What the fuckernauts, What the fuckericans, What the fuckanucks... give the show a listen.  It's available on iTunes and via other various apps.  Apps? Boy, I wish I could me some of those apps, they sound pretty F'n sweet.  Or you can listen to it via the Zune marketplace like I do.

Yeah, I've got a ZUNE! Do you got a problem with that?

I didn't think so.

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COMIC SHOP GIRL

If I may toot my own horn a bit -- I've have had a number of short plays produced locally.  Four one-acts at Venture Theatre's Annual One-Act Play Festival and three 24 hour plays produced for Venture's WET INK shows.  However not everything I've submitted for the one-act festival has been chosen for the festival. 

My first attempt at submitting something to the show was an ambitious piece.  A musical! About what else? COMIC BOOKS. GEEKS. And of course GIRLS.

Poster concept.  How many pop culture objects can you find?

COMIC BOOK GEEKS! THE MUSICAL!? is the story of Max and his three friends (all named Jason) who hang out playing RPGs in the back of their local comic book shop.  Max mostly hangs out because he has a crush on Bridget, the geek goddess who is employed at the store. 

There are a couple of moments in the play where I must have been sipping the Nostradamus juice... because they reflect things that have come to be.   One of the jokes in the play had to do with one of the characters being repulsed by the idea of seeing Dustin "Screech" Diamond naked.  Who'da thunk that one day ol' Screech would release a porno movie of his own making?

Unfortunately I am what I like to call MUSICALLY DECLINED.  I know nothing about writing music, so basically I had a collection of lyrics without a score.  Thus making my project a little too ambitious to put together in the time alotted for the one-act festival.

The following is the final song (and reprise) from the script.  This is where Max finally expresses his feeling to Bridget.  The chorus is full of SHA LA LA LAs... which I'm NOT proud of, and if I ever rebooted this project I would definitely change that.  The song, with many of it's spoken moments is definitely very BNL-influenced.

I spruced it up a bit with some illustrative pictures.  Italics indicate spoken dialog.  ALL CAPS represent singing.

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YOU’VE BROUGHT THIS MUTANT TURTLE OUT OF HIS SHELL
PIERCED THIS IRON MAN’S PROTECTIVE ARMOR AS WELL
YOU BROKE DOWN THE WALLS OF MY FOUR COLOR WORLD
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A COMIC SHOP GIRL

MY HEART GOES

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ROOM

And the geeks in the back sing!


CHORUS
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
HE LOVES YOU COMIC SHOP GIRL
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
MAX IS IN LOVE WITH THE COMIC SHOP GIRL

UP TIL NOW MY LIFE'S BEEN GRIM...

  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Jason
Dude, did you just mention your thing in a love song?

Max
Not my thing, THE THING y’know from the Fantastic Four?

Jason 2
Four? Four is nothing to brag about.

Jason 3
Now nine… NINE would be FANTASTIC!

Collective groan and laugh, MAX resumes singing:

YOU’LL BE MY MARY JANE
I’LL BE YOUR PETER PARKER…

3 Jasons (snort laugh)
Peter?!

FORGET MARY JANE I DON’T WANT HER
MY SPIDEY SENSE IS TINGLING FOR YOU…
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

(repeat chorus)

I’VE GOT MY MIND MADE UP
LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FEEL
I THINK YOU’RE MY WONDER WOMAN
MIGHT I BE YOUR MAN OF STEEL?

ARCHIE NEVER CHOSE BETWEEN VERONICA OR BETTY
ONE DAY I WILL GET DOWN ON BENDED KNEE

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I THINK WE’D MAKE A DYNAMIC DUO, YOU AND ME
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL….

***REPRISE***

BRIDGET
I CAN TELL THAT YOU’RE NOT A PLAYER

MAX
YOU’RE CUTER THAN A CERTAIN VAMPIRE SLAYER

BRIDGET
Wesley Snipes?

MAX
(laughing) No…

MAX
ON MY SLEEVE MY HEART I DO WIELD

BRIDGET
LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA WITH HIS BIG OL’ SHIELD

MAX
IT’S NOT A LINE OR A JEDI MIND TRICK

BRIDGET
I’M STARTING TO THINK YOU’LL MAKE A HANDSOME SIDEKICK

MAX
Sidekick, huh?

BRIDGET
Uh, huh… you got a problem with that?

MAX
(happily) No…

I’M GLAD I FOUND YOU
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

****

I'M FEELING HAIRY and MY TEETH are MEAN... I'VE GOT A WEIRD COMPLEXION and I want to SCREEEAAAM!!!

When I heard that Mtv was planning to update the 80s classic film Teen Wolf I was... skeptical at best, at worst I figured they were just gonna Twilight it up and it would in NO WAY resemble the source material.

Then when I saw the first promo for the Mtv show I was a tad disappointed to learn that unlike TW85, the new TW2011 is not born into a bloodline of wolf folk, but is instead infected with lycanthropy by another wolf man in the first episode.  

As for similarities we still get a Scott and a Stiles, but alas no Boof.  NO BOOF!!? There was what I consider to be a pretty clever reference to the original film while Styles is doing some were-search he stumbles across a picture of a wolfman dressed in Civil War garb. 

This is the ONLY picture I could seem to find online that referenced the Civil War costume from the original movie.  Oh, well...


That's another BIG difference with TW2011, when he uh - "Wolfs Out" ... things don't get quite as hairy as they did with TW85.  The 21st Century take on teen wolf is a lot more monster than mop.

Mtv's take on Teen Wolf isn't exactly the campy comedy of TW85.  There are plenty of laughs, but the show is also fuel injected with plenty of teen angst.  It doesn't help that the father Scott's girlfriend likes to hunt werewolves in his spare time. 

After Scott is bitten, he finds he no longer needs his asthma inhaler.  An almost Peter Parker like journey from NERD to KNOCKOUT.  The show almost has a comic book-y, superhero vibe: secret identities, mysterious allies and enemies, super strength and other powers.

One thing I definitely must applaud are the effects on this Teen Wolf series (so far).  Even though I was a tremendous fan of the Buffy the Vampire tv series, I am the first to admit that a lot of time the effects weren't so special.   Buffy particularly had trouble keeping a consistant look to their werewolves, which is something that still bugs me to this day.

I dug the first two episodes of TEEN WOLF.  I felt the show was much closer in tone to Buffy than to Twilight or even The Vampire Diaries.  Perhaps watching the rest of the season will change my mind, but for now I am very intrigued by where it's going.

What do you mean there already was a TEEN WOLF television show?

A JOURNEY BACK... to 2005!

Let me take you on a strange journey... to 2005!  While digging through a folder of my various writings I stumbled across a lot of things that I think I will be posting on this here blog.  Up first are a couple of poems I composed with the aid of a magnetic poetry kit.   I decided that they would be better if I prettied them up with some art.  Ooooooh... creative!

Trippy right?

Walt Whitman eat your heart out!

NICE FUCKIN' MODEL! [HONK! HONK!]

Okay... I really need to stop browsing eBay when I'm bored, because I find things. Things that I want to put in my mouth and other orifices... wait, what? Did I type that out loud?

I love toys! Clearly. At damn near 40 years of age... I CAN'T stop buying them. Exhibit A - The photo hovering above this text you're reading.

The first 3 figures purchased are VINYL POP toys, produced by a company called Funko.

OH MY HOLY HELL! I just went to their website so that I could provde that link for y'all and I just saw the VINYL POP version of the FLYING MONKEY from the Wizard of Oz! Do want! Do want!

While some of the VINYL POP figures are referred to as "bobble-heads" (Superman, Thing) other (Beetlejuice) are just called "vinyl figures". Usually I don't care for bobble-heads. In fact I am kind of weary of that whole craze. But done in this style? I just can't resist.

Each 3.75" VINYL POP figure retails for about $10. This fall will see the release of VP versions of the cereal monsters - y'know: Frankenberry, Booberry and Count Chockula.

Other characters imortalized in stylized collectible vinyl form include: KISS, RUN DMC, ELVIS PRESLEY, FREDDY KRUEGER, JASON VOORHEES as well as characters from the DC Comics, Marvel Comics and STAR WARS universes. And I need to own just about every damn one of them!

GHOSTLY HAUNTING I TURN LOOSE... Beetlejuce, Beetlejuice... BEETLEJUICE!

The final pictured figure in from the MEZ-ITZ collection produced by MEZCO TOYS and of course it depicts everyone's favorite "bio-exorcist" aka "the ghost with the most" ... BEETLEJUICE!

MEZ-ITZ have been around for a while, though they started out as 2" figurines. Lately the line has been revamped and revitalized as a series of 6" rotocast (hollow) vinyl figures.

As well as being a kickass 6" chunk o' plastic, you may have noticed Mr. Juice up there also features actual hair! Okay... maybe not actual hair, but fluffy hairy... uh hair. Though now I am picturing a team of toy executives chasing down Michael Keaton and shaving his head... y'know to give the toy that authentic feel.

MEZ-ITZ retail for about $8 and are available in far more varieties than the POP VINYL toys. Hard to believe I know.

However both lines have licences for many of the same characters. Which means decision making for this toy collector just became much more difficult. *sigh*