OPEN in a dimly lit
room where we see nothing but a couch covered in a bed sheet. There is a crash/broken glass? And then two teenage girls enter…
CLARISSA
Sorry about the window.
HARLEY
You’re like a wrecking ball, Miley Cyrus.
HARLEY turns on the light.
HARLEY
So Whaddya think?
HARLEY
I know right?
CLARISSA
How did nobody else know about this place?
HARLEY
I think it became harder to find after they took down
that amazing sign, and replaced it with that banner that looks like something
straight out of Mr. Archer’s graphics class.
HARLEY picks a business card up off of the floor.
HARLEY (reading card)
Another Spin Premium Taxidermy
CLARISSA
My uncle is an accountant… he’s always busy during tax
season.
HARLEY
Taxidermy… not
taxes. Y’know… like stuffed animals?
CLARISSA
Ooh! I love stuffed animals… I have a Pooh bear, a fluffy
unicorn, a panda that my dad won for me at the fair… HARLEY
Those are plush animals. I’m talking taxidermy… stuffed and mounted.
CLARISSA
That’s what she said! (quiet pause) Did I use it right that time?
HARLEY
I don’t think so.CLARISSA
We could bring boys here and make out with them, and my dad would never be the wiser.
HARLEY
Pffft… Clarissa, when was the last time you made out with
a boy?
CLARISSSA mumbles
something incoherent.
HARLEY
That’s what I thought.
HARLEY
Anyway… we need to keep this place as TOP SECRET as possible. This will be a very exclusive club.
In fact we should discuss who is and who is NOT
allowed to know about our little dwelling.Anyway… we need to keep this place as TOP SECRET as possible. This will be a very exclusive club.
CLARISSA
Lisa?HARLEY & CLARISSA
Yes.
HARLEY
Felicia?HARLEY & CLARISSA
No.
CLARISSA
Debbie… oh, excuse me… Deborah?
HARLEY
Maaaaybe…
CLARISSA
Darcy?
HARLEY & CLARISSA
Definitely not.
While walking
behind the couch HARLEY knocks something
over, it is…
HARLEY
A drum!
CLARISSA
Whoah! Do you
think some band was using this building for rehearsals?
HARLEY
Not unless it was a very old band… CLARISSA
Or it could have been one of those “edgy” bands that’s all like – “Look at us, we’re edgy because we’re using unconventional instruments and junk…”
HARLEY taps out a
simple pattern on the drum, something underneath the sheet on the couch RISES.
The girls scream.
HARLEY
What is it?
CLARISSA
I don’t know… and I’m not hanging around to find out.
CLARISSA begins to
high tail it out of there.
HARLEY
WAIT!
HARLEY taps out the
same drum pattern as before, the THING lies
back down.
CLARISSA
Well, Veronica Mars, now that you have solved that
mystery… let’s get the frak out of here.
HARLEY once again
uses the drum to awaken the thing beneath the sheet.
HARLEY
Holy crap! What if it’s some kind of kick ass robot or
something?
CLARISSA
Yeah… or something.
HARLEY begins to
pull on sheet.
CLARISSA
Harley! No! Wait! Let’s just go… I’m sure that we can find some other decrepit building to hang out in… perhaps somewhere with a lot less possessed furniture?
Harley! No! Wait! Let’s just go… I’m sure that we can find some other decrepit building to hang out in… perhaps somewhere with a lot less possessed furniture?
HARLEY
C’mon Clarissa… where is your sense of adventure?
CLARISSA
Would it help if I said that I left it in my gym locker?
HARLEY
No.HARLEY then pulls the sheet off of the mysterious lump on the couch, to reveal that it is a nicely dressed woman, who appears to be a little “stiff”.
CLARISSA
Poop in a sack!
HARLEY
She’s beautiful… well, as beautiful as one can be, after
lying under a sheet, on a couch in an abandoned building.
CLARISSA
Who is she?
HARLEY
I don’t know… why don’t you check her for some form of
ID?
CLARISSA
You’re on your own there.
HARLEY slowly, but
surely grabs the woman’s hand… the
woman says…
WOMAN
Would you like some milk and cookies?
CLARISSA
I’m not really in the mood for snack time; I’d rather just
get the hell out of here.
HARLEY
Uh, I didn’t say that…
CLARISSA
Right, if it wasn’t you… who was it?
CLARISSA goes into
panic mode and begins pacing back and forth… she then screams.
HARLEY
What now Clarissa?
CLARISSA
What now? WHAT NOW!?? You wanna know WHAT now?
What now? WHAT NOW!?? You wanna know WHAT now?
HARLEY
Yes.
CLARRISA
Her… th-that… that THING’S eyes… were following me.
HARLEY
What?
HARLEY waves her
hands in front of the woman’s eyes.
HARLEY
I’m getting nothing here. CLARISSA
Try walking back and forth in front of her.
HARLEY paces the
room, and then shrieks as she realizes CLARISSA was right.
HARLEY
Oh my god…
HARLEY & CLARISSA say
their next lines simultaneously.
CLARISSA
Let’s get out of here.
HARLEY
Let’s take her home!
CLARISSA & HARLEY
WHAT? ARE YOU
CRAZY!?
HARLEY
Don’t you see how amazeballs she is?
HARLEY grabs the
WOMAN’S hand…
WOMAN
Always be sure to have a clean pair of underwear!
CLARISSA
Ugh… I think I’m going to faint… or puke… or puke and
then faint into my puke… I can’t decide.
WOMAN
It looks like it’s about wine-thirty!
HARLEY
Whoah! She is like a gift shop plush animal… complete
with a button loaded with a butt load of catchphrases!
HARLEY presses the
button over and over…
WOMAN (feel free to
add and/or replace phrases)
You bet your sweet bippy!
Klaatu barada nikto
Whatchoo talkin about Willis?
Is that your final answer?
I could have used a little more cowbell.
Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
I want to go to there.
Are you the key master?
Dammit Jim, I’m a mother… not a doctor!
CLARISSA
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
WOMAN
Don’t have a cow, man…
HARLEY
Yeah, what she said.
CLARISSA
Screw this! I’m out of here!
HARLEY
Did you hear that?
CLARISSA
Yeah, I heard that.
HARLEY
I think somebody is coming.
CLARISSA
Oh? You think so?
The door shuts.
CLARISSA & HARLEY
Crap!
The girls scramble,
run a couple of laps around the couch, and then eventually situate themselves
on the couch with the WOMAN sitting
between them.
HARLEY
Chill out, Clarissa.
CLARISSA
Somebody… is… coming…
Somebody… is… coming…
A MAN enters the room and he immediately notices
there is something “off” in the vicinity of the couch. He circles the couch a couple of times,
closely inspecting HARLEY and CLARISSA as he does.
MAN
Hmmmm…
The MAN exits
the room.
HARLEY
Let’s get out of here.
CLARISSA
Welcome to what I was thinking 10 minutes ago.
MAN
Can I help you two with something?
HARLEY & CLARISSA
Who us?
MAN
No, I’m talking to the other pair of teenage girls who
are illegally trespassing on private property.
HARLEY
Oh? This is your
place?
MAN
Uh huh.
CLARISSA
And this is your… wife?
MAN
Wife? Uh, no…
that’s Laura… my - - my mom.
HARLEY
Norman Bates, eat your heart out.
Norman Bates, eat your heart out.
CLARISSA
Harley… let’s not anger the nice man, who is just going
to let us go, even though he caught us loitering on what is very obviously his
property.
HARLEY
Maybe he should be nicer to us? Or we’ll just call the cops and tell them
about the wackjob with a talking corpse in his warehouse.
HARLEY pulls a
cellphone from her pocket.
MAN
Good luck, getting a signal out of here. That’s one of the reasons I chose this
building. I wanted to be left ALONE. As for Laura there… this was all her
idea. I’m just a doting son, trying to
carry out his mother’s dying wish… 20 years later. HARLEY & CLARISSA
Her idea?
MAN
Years ago, when I was still a young lad, my mother came
to me and she said “Vincent, when I die, I don’t want to be buried, I don’t
want to be cremated, I don’t even want to be frozen like Walt Disney. Vincent, what I want is to be stuffed, like a
museum bison!”
HARLEY
Yikes.
MAN
Right? But I was a
kid, I thought she was just being “silly old mom” but over the years, she kept
insisting that she when her time came, she wanted this very non-traditional
procedure. Of course over the years she
kept requesting upgrades… a voice box with multiple catchphrases, motion
detector eyes… y’know stuff like that.
CLARISSA
You couldn’t have just said no?
MAN
Not to my mom. No
way. After high school I began studying
various embalming techniques and animatronic methods… and then about 15 years
ago it happened… CLARISSA & HARLEY
What happened?
MAN
I lost my mommy… CLARISSA & HARLEY
Awww….
MAN
It was an accident. An UNECESSARY CAR ACCIDENT! There was no need for her to leave the house that day. Why did she have to be such a good mother? Why did I have to be such a terrible son?
HARLEY
It’s not your fault…
MAN
Oh, but it is. It
was my birthday and in lieu of cake I asked her to prepare her delicious
chocolate mousse , she was prepping her cooking materials, when she realized…
she didn’t have a blender. I told her
that it was okay, I’d settle for a traditional cake. But she insisted on running out and buying
that goddamn blender…
HARLEY
Well, if she
insisted…
CLARISSA
Harley… shut up.
MAN
She didn’t even make it to the store. Some guy zipped through a red light, he
wasn’t even paying attention to the road… he was just “fiddling with his
radio.”
HARLEY
You should totally make him pay.
CLARISSA (half heartedly)
Uh… yeah!
MAN
Oh, he’ll get his, trust me. But first… HARLEY
Please don’t hurt us mister, we’ll just be on our way… we won’t tell anyone about your robo-mom. We swear!
CLARISSA
We totally swear!
MAN
I won’t touch a hair on your precious little heads…
however… (he reaches for the drum, and
taps out a few beats)… MOM WILL!
THE WOMAN rises
from the couch and lumbers after the girls in a very Frankenstein monster kind
of way. The girls exit the stage, THE
WOMAN goes after them… while VINCENT laughs maniacally.
THE END
