Breakfast At Epiphany's

Here is the full script for my entry in Venture Theatre's 2008 One-Act Festival... Breakfast At Epiphany's.

A dimly lit apartment. We hear commotion behind the couch a bare female arm reaches up to grab a blouse/shirt/any article of clothing will do. Then the couple emerges from behind the sofa – he squirms out the side wiggling into his pants, she stands behind the sofa buttoning up her blouse….

ALYSON
I was NOT expecting that.

PRESTON
Sorry, I didn’t mean to pounce.

ALYSON
Pounce away Tiger.

ALYSON and PRESTON continue to kiss, touch, giggle, etc.

PRESTON
It’s times like this that I don’t miss having a roommate.

ALYSON
Y’know I think that we missed our reservation.

PRESTON
We might still make it… if I can find my shoes.

ALYSON
Wherever they are at least they’re probably still in one piece, unlike my panties.

ALYSON then removes the remains of her undies from under her pants, skirt, whatever.

PRESTON
Sorry about that.

ALYSON
(sits on couch)
I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend our anniversary.

PRESTON
Good. I can’t even find the light switch, let alone my shoes.

ALYSON
It’s your apartment now silly boy. Have your heard anything from Nick?

PRESTON
I, uh… haven’t really.

ALYSON
Awww… I kinda miss the big lug.

PRESTON
Really? (pause) Ah. (turns on the light) Now close your eyes…. and hold out your hands.

ALYSON
Ooooh… presents!?

ALYSON closes her eyes and holds out her hands, palms up.

PRESTON
(places object into her hand)
You may now open your eyes.

ALYSON opens her eyes and holds her present up into the light to reveal that it is a shiny house key.

ALYSON
(surprised)
What’s this?

PRESTON
It’s a key to (gestures) OUR apartment. Or we could get a place that’s y’know less bachelor-y. (PRESTON removes bag of sports equipment from couch and sits next to ALYSON) The key is mostly symbolic.

ALYSON
Wow. This is a BIG move.

PRESTON
I know. (pause) Is someone getting a little misty-eyed?

ALYSON
A little, yeah. (pause) Three years. Can you believe it?

PRESTON
Yeah. Who’da thunk it?

ALYSON
Not me. At first I thought that you were only into silicone infested, walking blow-up dolls… like Jenna Jameson.

PRESTON
Jenna-who-now?

ALYSON
As if you didn’t know. I saw this book of hers sitting over here in your meager little library by our 4th date.

PRESTON
I will have you know that this is a signed first edition.

ALYSON
Oh, really?

PRESTON
She’s one hell of an author is all I’m sayin’.

ALYSON
A month or so ago I would have never believed this was coming. You were so distant… I thought that we were coming to an end. Then all of the sudden it was like I was falling in love with you all over again. So yes, Preston I will move in with you…. but (looks around apartment) probably not here. Even though it has been relatively cleaner lately at least until a couple of hours ago.

PRESTON
Me-OW!

ALYSON
Now, how should we celebrate?

PRESTON
We could order in OR we could…

PRESTON gets that look in his eye.

ALYSON
Oh my God, Preston! AGAIN!? Not that I am complaining mind you. Things have been so different since your birthday. You’ve really changed. First you spent the night letting me beat you on the Playstation…

PRESTON
Letting you? You beat me fair and square.

ALYSON
Oh B.S.

PRESTON
C’mon it was a new game, and…

ALYSON
And then you made me dinner on your birthday! Three years and I wasn’t even sure if you knew how to make toast. But that dinner was exquisite, romantic… and then things really started rolling after your little lap dance.

PRESTON
Was that not the greatest lap dance you’ve ever had?

PRESTON briefly, yet hilariously recreates the lap dance.

ALYSON
Until that night I was so thankful for any of those moments where you were more into me than you were into your Playstation.

PRESTON
I don’t know if I can ever make up for all of the times that I possibly broke your heart. But I’d like to try. I feel like I’ve finally snapped out of my quarter-life crisis. I realize how close I was to losing you… and how miserable I could have been without you.

ALYSON
(overwhelmed)
Oh my… Preston…

PRESTON
I know that’s a lot to take in.

ALYSON
That and I just realized that this is probably the first time since you bought that thing that you haven’t given me that schpiel about how “It’s not a Playstation it’s an X-BOX…

PRESTON & ALYSON
(in unison)
…360.”

PRESTON
Those things are of zero importance to me now and… and… Aly… I can’t keep my hands off of you.

ALYSON
(playful)
Yeah, I kinda noticed that.

PRESTON walks across the room and retrieves a wrapped condom from a drawer. He crawls onto the couch and crawls up to ALYSON’s mouth and they begin kissing.

PRESTON
(clearly in sex mode)
We wouldn’t want another pregnancy scare now would we?

ALYSON slowly opens her eyes and pushes PRESTON away.

ALYSON
Oh. My. God. Nick told you. (half-kidding) I’ll kick his butt. I trusted him to keep that a secret until I was ready. I can’t believe that he told you.

PRESTON
No I didn’t, -uh, er – he didn’t. Nick is a wonderful friend, he cares about you so much. (reassuring, caressing her face) I love you Alyson.

ALYSON
You’re not angry?

PRESTON
At you? Never.

ALYSON
I still wish that Nick had let me tell you.

Suddenly the lights dim & flicker as we hear a voice - almost as if from another dimension:

VOICE
Wish? Did somebody say wish?

ALYSON
Wha - who was that? Is there someone else here? Preston have you been filming all of this for one of your lame YouTube videos?

PRESTON goes to a drawer and removes a small box.

PRESTON
I think this will explain everything.

ALYSON
(opens the box)
A locket? It’s… not exactly something I’d wear.

PRESTON
I know it’s gaudy, hideous even, but…

The lights dim & flicker again as we hear…

VOICE
REMEMBER IT IS WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS!

ALYSON
That’s it! I don't want a gift. I want an EXPLANATION!

ALYSON throws the locket behind the couch. The lights flicker once more as we hear that otherworldly voice:
VOICE
HEY! WATCH IT!

ALYSON
Preston, what the fu -- !?

Suddenly there is a light show and loud “intro” music. A man (FONZIE) decked out in pajama bottoms and an oversized t-shirt emerges from behind the couch. His hair is tied into a ponytail atop his head and he’s eating a large bag of CHEETOS. He bends down and puts on the necklace. PRESTON and ALYSON attempt to yell over the music, but they cannot hear one another.

PRESTON
He’s a genie!

ALYSON
A w-what!?

PRESTON
I said… (frustrated) FONZIE COULD YOU CUT THE INTRO?

FONZIE snaps his fingers and the music stops.

FONZIE
So what would you little maniacs like to do first?

PRESTON
Alyson this is Fonzie.

ALYSON
Fonzie?

PRESTON
His real name is Fonzir Malaka-lama.... (*mumbles incoherently*) …I just call him FONZIE.

FONZIE
Ayyyyyy. (thumbs up)

ALYSON
Where did he come from?

FONZIE
This locket you hurled across the room is my home m'lady.

ALYSON
The locket? Wha - - how!? Prove it.

FONZIE
Prove it?

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe in you.

FONZIE
But I am standing right here.

FONZIE waves his hand in front of ALYSON’s eyes.

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe that you’re a –

ALYSON
A what? A pervert?

PRESTON
A genie.

ALYSON
A genie?

FONZIE
Yes, much like your Barbara Eden (lifts shirt) minus the attractive abdominal region.

PRESTON
You have to show her. Can you DO something to prove it to her?

ALYSON
Yeah, why don’t you do something “magical” … like conjure yourself up a six pack of abs?

FONZIE
Is that one of your wishes?

Cue the “light show”…

PRESTON
No! No! Just – y’know do a little something to prove that you have INFINITE COSMIC POWERS!

The “light show” stops.

FONZIE
It’s rather inappropriate. However… (FONZIE pulls a quarter out of PRESTON’s ear) breathtaking, no?

ALYSON
You took a quarter from his ear? Wow! My uncle Bert used to do that!

FONZIE holds the quarter up to ALYSON’S eye line.

FONZIE
Ah, but take a closer look it’s a Hawaii state quarter! These won’t even be minted until at least November of this year! Well, that was quite the squander of my abilities. Unlike this never ending bag of CHEE-tos.

ALYSON
It’s going to take a lot more than some weak parlor trick to convince me that “Fonzie” here is supernatural in origin.

PRESTON
If you would just give me a moment to illuminate…

ALYSON takes PRESTON’s hand and takes him to the couch.

ALYSON
Honey, I think you need help, professional help. I’ll be there every step of the way because I love you. I just wish that I knew what was going on with you.

ALYSON and PRESTON begin to kiss tenderly.

FONZIE
WISH? MAKE IT SO!

FONZIE claps his hands, the lights begin to dim & flicker yet again and soon a quick-cut (30 second?) montage of images pertaining to the parts of the story that have lead us here is projected onto the wall: a light switch, a key, the Hawaii quarter, Barbara Eden, cheetos, pregnancy tests, X-Box, etc.

During the montage ALYSON breaks the kiss and jumps off of couch & grabs golf club from sports bag.

ALYSON
HOLY SHIT! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON!!!!



PRESTON
Please put the club down Aly. I’m not going to hurt you.

ALYSON grabs PRESTON’S face and begins pulling as if she is trying to remove a mask.

PRESTON
Ow! Ow! Ouch! What do you think this is Mission:Impossible?

ALYSON
That would explain what the hell is going on Nick. (pause) That is you isn’t it Nick?

NICK
Um, yes.

ALYSON
Oh God Nick. Why?

PRESTON
I’m sorry.

PRESTON steps towards ALYSON

ALYSON
Move another centimeter and I will go Tiger Woods on your ASS!!! Genies? Never ending bags of CHEETOS? Body swapping? WHAT THE FUCK is going on here... Pres – NICK!?

PRESTON
I LOVE you Alyson.

ALYSON
You love me? This is how you show me that you LOVE me?

PRESTON
I was convinced that it was the only way that you would ever have me.

ALYSON
Oh gawd. I had sex with you. I had lots of sex with you because I thought that you were… ughk! You had sex with me with his…

PRESTON
Yeah… the way he always talked about it I expected it to be bigger than mine.

ALYSON
(distracted)
Yours?

PRESTON and ALYSON glance down.

FONZIE
DID SOMEBODY SAY WISH? (he pauses as ALYSON glares at him) Sorry. But that is a popular request. Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge…

ALYSON
Is that what this is? Is this the result of some sick wish that you made to get into my pants?

PRESTON
It’s not just a sex thing. I’ve been crazy about you since way before Preston was in the picture.

ALYSON
So what Nick? You just decided to step in? Why didn’t you just wish for me to fall in love with you?

FONZIE & PRESTON
That is not allowed.

ALYSON
Where’s my… the real Preston?

PRESTON
He’s in my body… my old body.

ALYSON
Oh, I bet that he loves that.

PRESTON
What is that supposed to mean?

ALYSON
(pause)
How long have you been in there?

PRESTON
Since Preston's birthday.

ALYSON
How?

PRESTON
Preston and I had a tradition. On his birthday we would have breakfast at Epiphany’s.

ALYSON
Epiphany’s? Is that like IHOP?

PRESTON
Sorta…. i-it’s a strip club.

ALYSON
A strip club with a breakfast menu?

FONZIE
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PASTIES!

PRESTON
Buffet actually.

FONZIE
ALL YOU CAN EAT!

ALYSON
I see. How long have you two had this “tradition”.

PRESTON
Well, t-this was the first and only year. It was Preston’s idea.

ALYSON
These past three weeks. It’s all been you?

PRESTON
Yes. I was so afraid. Petrified actually. I didn't know HOW to explain this.

FONZIE
BOOBIES WITH A SIDE ORDER OF BACON! (pause) Too much?

PRESTON
Alyson I –

ALYSON
Wait. What does any of this have to do with a strip club buffet?

PRESTON
On our way out the door Preston recalled that you mentioned something about an “upcoming anniversary” so he decided to raid Epiphany’s lost & found box… that’s where he found the locket.

FONZIE
(singing)
HEY BIG SPENDER!!! BA-DA-DA-DA!!!

ALYSON
Typical Preston.

PRESTON
To skimp on something that obviously meant so much to you? Yeah, that was pretty typical of Preston. (PRESTON pulls a folded, crumpled up paper out of his pocket) Do you remember this?

ALYSON
(reading)
“In the event that Preston Murray does not marry me by June of the year 2010, I, Alyson Parker, will marry…” (quiet) I can’t believe you kept this...

FONZIE
Somebody watches too many “chick flicks”.

ALYSON
Nick, even if I were to honor this there is still 2 years left on it. If Preston hadn't proposed in that time frame then maybe I would have married you.

PRESTON
Aly, he was NEVER going to marry you!

ALYSON
You DON'T know that!

PRESTON
Fine. If you don’t want me you can make this all go away with one of your wishes.

ALYSON
One of my wishes?

FONZIE
Correct. As the new owner of the locket the three wishes are now to be granted to you. One down, two to go.

ALYSON
I don’t want any wishes!

FONZIE
TOO LATE!

ALYSON
And I want to make damn sure that he doesn’t use any more either!

PRESTON
Ah, well…

FONZIE
On the contrary he did not use even one of his wishes!

ALYSON
Wait. What?

FONZIE
Prest – er, uh Nick didn’t use a single one of his wishes.

ALYSON
I don’t understand. If you didn’t…

PRESTON
Preston was a little surprised when he realized what had happened.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just change it back?

PRESTON
He didn’t have any wishes left. And when I offered he -

ALYSON
What else did he wish for?

PRESTON
Well, first he wished for a never-ending supply of money. Then he wished for a multi-bedroom palace in *a-hem* Thailand.

FONZIE
Not just any palace! A multi-bedroom palace in the kingdom of hot, barely legal, sometimes illegal, anonymous SEX!

PRESTON
Oh God.

ALYSON
Couldn’t he have just bought a palace?

PRESTON
Preston was a moron.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just wish for more wishes? Or is that forbidden too?

FONZIE
Contrary to popular belief that would have been acceptable.

PRESTON
Again we’re talking about Preston here and he wasn’t bright enough to think of that.

FONZIE
Preston was GREEDY. He made his three wishes in haste instead of taking his time.

ALYSON
The money, the palace... and then… what?

PRESTON
He… he wanted out…. OUT of your relationship.

ALYSON
“Out”? He makes it sound like he was trapped.

FONZIE
That is PRECISELY how he stated it!

PRESTON
Dammit Fonzie…

ALYSON
(hurt)
Where is he now?

PRESTON
I tried to stop him, Aly. I called him insane. But he said that he wanted be a single man again. I insisted that it wasn’t all that he thought it was cracked up to be. Then he said “I wish…”

FONZIE
Your wish is my…

PRESTON
He said quote:

FONZIE
(a moment of clarity)
Ah…

PRESTON
“I wish that we could switch places!” and that is what Fonzie made happen… literally.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just tell me that he wanted out?

PRESTON
Because he was an asshole! I think you know that Alyson. For three years I watched him ignore, mistreat and all around take you for granted. Meanwhile I became your best friend… while also falling in love with everything about you.

ALYSON
Why didn’t you use any of your wishes?

PRESTON
Alyson, if I have you I don’t need anything else.

FONZIE “fake vomits” into his CHEETOS and then he continues to eat them. PRESTON & ALYSON sit on the couch staring at the contract.

ALYSON
I should have seen it. I think I did see it. The way you held my hand, the way you’d rub my back, way you’ve looked at me recently… the the old Preston never looked at me like that, even on those rare occasions when he would utter the ‘L’ word.

FONZIE
(confused & muttering in the background)
Lemons, lesbians, light bulbs, liquor, linoleum… ?

ALYSON
I think I love you too Nick.

PRESTON & ALYSON kiss.

ALYSON
This is so… unhealthy.

PRESTON
I’m aware of that.

ALYSON
I wish that I knew the right thing to do.

FONZIE
Aaand there’s #2!

PRESTON
Oh no.

FONZIE grabs ALYSON’s head, and we get the usual fanfare: flickering lights, etc. ALYSON appears almost as if she’s being electrocuted –she hits the floor with a “thud”.

PRESTON
Jeez! Fonzie!

FONZIE perches on the back of the couch, regally, he knows what’s coming…

PRESTON
(worried)
Alyson?

ALYSON comes to and appears as if she’s had some sort of revelation.

ALYSON
I’m okay Nick…

PRESTON
You preferred Preston because he looked like this. Now I look like this. I can make you forget that Preston ever existed. So what do you say?

ALYSON
I wish…. I… wish…

Lights out.

THE END

ENSLAVED IN SEATTLE

Here is the full script for "Enslaved in Seattle" that I wrote in a matter of hours for Venture Theatre's 2nd Annual Wet Ink Festival. PHOTOS by Amanda Lackman.

FULL VIDEO of the production is available on youtube!



Dramatic music, “Carmina Burana” or something spookier. A robed figure walks out onto the stage, unfurls a scroll, the music fades and they begin to read:


FIGURE
Enriched flour, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, vegetable oil, cottonseed oil, palm oil and/or ascorbyl palmitate, dehydrated vegetables, chicken powder, monosodium glutamate, dextrose, potassium carbonate, sodium carbonate, sodium tripolyphosate, sodium algate, natural flavors, disodium inosinate, artificial flavors…

The spooky music resumes, our figure then dramatically places a “Cup Noodles” into a microwave and begins to start the timer… the music stops and then the figure continues to read from the scroll…

FIGURE
…manufactured in a facility that also processes milk, egg, peanuts, tree nut, fish and shrimp products.

The music resumes, the figure returns to the microwave and starts nuking the “Cup Noodles” and quickly exits the stage. The noodles continue to cook as ELIZA enters the stage. She notices the operating microwave…

ELIZA
Dammit Seth…

SETH enters.

SETH
What?

ELIZA
You left your damn cup o’ noodles going in the microwave again. How many times have I asked you NOT to leave your food unattended?

SETH
And how many times have I told YOU that they’re NOT Cup O’ Noodles… there is NO ‘O’ anywhere in the name of the product! It is simply… CUP NOODLES… thank you very much.

ELIZA
Whatever! All I know is that I’m tired of your toxic pasta cups spewing all over my clean microwave.

SETH
I’m sorry, babe.

ELIZA
I guess that I thought when you started making better money at the office that it would be the end of Cup o’ (stops herself) …uh cup noodles and macaroni dinners.

SETH
What can I say? I’m hooked. Blame my mother… she never let me have that stuff growing up. My sister Shelly and I used to call her MAMA SODIUM GLUTEMATE for the way she used to scrutenize the ingredients of everything we put in our mouths. The day I moved out of the house my first stop was the inappropriate starches aisle at the Grocery Outlet.

ELIZA
And you’ve been fattening up your tapeworm ever since.

SETH
Ha Ha. Admit it you enjoy a cup or two now and then.

ELIZA
Maybe… but only the Picante Shrimp flavor.

SETH retrieves a shrimp cup noodles from the cupboard, offstage (?).

SETH
Happy anniversary!

ELIZA
I hope you’re joking.

SETH
Well… I didn’t want to ruin the surprise… but…

ELIZA
Stop with the suspense already! Tell me.

SETH
Mom’s coming to see us.

ELIZA (clearly not pleased)
Oh.

SETH
Jeez… you don’t have to sound so elated.

ELIZA
I think I’d rather just have the cup noodles and skip this round of maternal visitation.

SETH
Aw, c’mon mom loves you!

ELIZA
Yeah, about as much as she loves top ramen.

SETH
Well, I love you.

ELIZA (sighs)
So… when is this visit?

There is a sudden knock, rapid rapping at the door.

SETH
Uh, well…

ELIZA (frustrated)
Ugh. Seth.

Without being welcome in SETH’s mother bursts into the apartment w/ her daughter SHELLY in tow.

MSG
Baby boy! Give your mother a hug!

SETH embraces his mother.

ELIZA
Hello Shelly.

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go to hell, you stupid bitch.

ELIZA
I don’t know what you just said. But somehow I don’t think that you were complimenting my shoes.

SETH
Shelly!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Brother!

They hug.

SETH
Still stuck in Espanol mode ‘eh sis?

ELIZA
Is she still hung up on marrying Antonio Banderas?

SETH
Ever since she was 14.

MSG
It was all of those repeat viewings of Evita… I knew I should have taken that DVD away from her. My poor, sweet baby girl! At least she has her mother.

ELIZA
So… uh, Seth’s mom… what brings you to the Emerald city?

MSG
Didn’t Seth tell you?

ELIZA
Tell me what?

MSG
I’m moving to Seattle!

ELIZA (shocked)
What?


SETH (sheepishly)
Surprise!

MSG
It’ll be wonderful! Shelly and I will be able to visit every weekend!

ELIZA (not thrilled)
Great.

MSG
We’ll be able to enjoy the coffee, the space needle,

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go Seattle Super Sonics!

MSG
The sports teams, Ooh and the local art scene…

ELIZA
The high suicide rate…

MSG
What was that dear?

ELIZA
Nothing.

MSG spots the cup noodles sitting on a table.

MSG
What is this? This garbage is what you’re feeding my boy? I hope not on a regular basis.

SETH
Mom, I am perfectly capable of feeding garbage to myself. I don’t need Eliza’s help.

MSG
What you need is a gal that can cook OR at least a gal with a decent recipe collection. (to Eliza) Write this down dear…

ELIZA goes for a pen.

ELIZA
Gah! Wet… ink...

MSG
Wedding? You’re getting married? I suppose I am the last to know. Oh, god… you’re not pregnant are you?

ELIZA & SETH
NO!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
So much for the virgin bride!

SETH
And we’re not getting married either… at least not yet.

MSG starts going through the(offstage?) cupboard and unloading all of the cup noodles.

MSG
OH MY GOD… look at all of these CARBS!!! Cup o’ noodles, cup o’ noodles…

ELIZA
Um, actually its cup noodles… there is no ‘O’.

MSG
Do you know what this stuff does to your system? It just sits there… rotting away in your intestines…

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Nasty caca!

SETH
Cup noodles aren’t so evil mom. C’mon look at the packaging… you’ve got carrots, corn, peas… Remember how hard it was for you to get me to eat my peas as a kid?

MSG
My god! Listen to you… you’re like some sort of cup o’ noodles ZOMBIE!

SETH
What did you say?

MSG
Okay… I’m sorry… cup noodles.

SETH
No… the other thing… Z-

MSG
ZOMBIE!?

The spooky music starts again and SETH goes into a trancelike state. He goes “crazy” and begins throwing out unopened “Cup Noodles” into the audience. The music stops and SETH passes out onto the floor.

MSG & ELIZA go to SETH.

MSG
Seth! Oh my baby! Somebody dial 9-1-1!

SHELLY runs around w/ her cell phone repeating “9-1-1” in Spanish.

ELIZA
What are we supposed to tell them exactly? That he OD’d on cut-rate noodles?

SETH sits bolt-straight up!






SETH
Join me…. Join meeeeee…

ELIZA
Join you?

SETH
It’s beautiful here… everything smells like broth and there are 0 grams of Trans Fat… join meeeeeeeee.

MSG
I knew it! My boy is a SOUP ZOMBIE!

SETH
Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup…
Much more than a soup…

SHELLY
EAT THE NOOOOOODLES…

MSG & ELIZA turn to see SHELLY eating the noodles with her bare hands.

MSG
OH MY GOD! Shelly not you too!?

SETH rises from the floor and takes 2 fists full of noodles and begins lumbering towards his mother and girlfriend.

SETH
EAT… NOODLES… EAT… NOODLES…

The stage goes dark. When the lights come back everyone is in robes… end the show with an interpretive dance number… then they throw any remaining (unopen) noodles into the audience.

THE END