KEVINWell this is damn inconvenient.
CHARLIE
You’re telling me.
GIL
I’m sorry, how was I supposed to know that trying to smuggle this bottle of lady anti monkey-butt powder would get us kicked off the flight?
KEVIN
Why were you trying to smuggle lady anti monkey-butt powder onto the plane?
GIL
It’s pink… and it smells pretty.
CHARLIE
Because that answers so much.
GIL
Do you know how many peculiar things I’ve snuck onto planes during all of my years as a recognized prop comedian?
KEVIN
Struggling prop comedian.
GIL
Cool it “Weird Al” Yankovic! I forgot, how many copies did the Stained Futons sell of their last album?
KEVIN
Hey! I’ll have you know we’re big in the Czech Republic!
CHARLIE
Would you boys grow up? I’m the one who doesn’t belong here. Star of my own Saturday morning t.v. show. I had a #1 single on the Billboard charts for Christ’s sakes.
GIL
Yeah, the dance charts. That doesn’t count for shit.
KEVIN
Leave her alone Gallagher 2.
GIL
Hey, I’m no one trick pony with a one track mind. I am… THE BIG CHEESE.
GIL places cheesehead hat on his head.
CHARLIE
More like the big cheese ball.
GIL
Never under estimate the power of cheese.
CHARLIE
Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! WHATEVER IT IS THIS GUY CAN’T KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS!!!!!
KEVIN
Oh?
GIL
Hey, babe, it wasn’t so long ago that you didn’t seem to mind.
CHARLIE
I have the night terrors to prove it.
KEVIN
Y-you and a Gil?
CHARLIE
Kevin, I…
GIL
Oh jeez…
CHARLIE
It was a long time ago. In fact it was more of an accident…
GIL
What, you tripped fell and landed on my di—
KEVIN
HEY!
GIL
Sorry, Kev. It was a long time ago… before…
CHARLIE
Before you.
GIL
(pause) You guys wanna race?
GIL pulls several assorted toy cars out of his pockets, and sits on the ground, making car noises. CHARLIE & KEVIN stare at this for a while.
KEVIN
Are your pockets always filled with toy cars?
GIL
Hello, prop comic? Besides this one’s not a car, it’s a sled from the movie ELF. I dunno about you two but if I had kids I would NOT approve of a miniature WiIl Ferrell being included with their happy meals.
KEVIN
I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to make me… us laugh. And it’s not going to work.
GIL reaches into a pocket and pulls something out.
GIL
A MOUSE!!!???
GIL throws the mouse into the audience.
CHARLIE
Gil, dammit!
GIL stands.
GIL
Well, I know what you two are doing. And it’s not going to work.
CHARLIE & KEVIN
What we’re doing?
GIL
Yeah. You’re not going to blame this on me.
CHARLIE
This… ?
GIL
Do I have to spell it out? It’s obvious you guys have some unresolved feelings that need resolving!
KEVIN
Not now…
CHARLIE
This really isn’t the right time, or place…
GIL
Wow! You two really don’t get it do you? You can’t always schedule these things. Waiting for the right time or the right place. You guys have been doing this little dance now, for what…
KEVIN
Three years.
CHARLIE (taken aback)
Um. What?
GIL
Charlie, tell Kev how adorable you think it is when he makes the Jedi hand motion every time he walks through an automatic door…
CHARLIE
… or elevator.
KEVIN goes into “aw shucks” mode.
GIL
Kevin, tell Chuck here how cute you think it is that she hates it when I call her Chuck.
CHARLIE
There’s only one person that gets away with calling me Chuck.
KEVIN
Her Grandpa Spencer.
CHARLIE
Right.
GIL
Sometimes it’s damn inconvenient, but love can be an adventure.
CHARLIE
Oh, barf.
GIL
Right, well… I’m going to give you two a moment alone.
GIL walks off stage.
CHARLIE and KEVIN move in closer to each other, she strokes his Hawaiian shirt and chuckles.
CHARLIE
“Weird Al” Yankovic, huh?
KEVIN
“You're sort of everything I ever wanted, You're not perfect, but I love you anyhowYou're the woman that I've always dreamed of… Well, not really, but you're good enough for now…”
CHARLIE
Oh really?
KEVIN
Well, Al’s catalog generally doesn’t lend itself to these type of situations. It’s the best I could do off the top of my head.
CHARLIE
I thought it was pretty sweet… y’know as a Yanko-phile.
KEVIN
I knew I liked you for a reason.
CHARLIE
For three years, huh?
KEVIN
From the moment I saw you… I think I knew. I apologize if that sounds…
CHARLIE
Creepy?
KEVIN
“… everytime I shake your hand now, wanna stick your fingers in my mouth… “
KEVIN & CHARLIE
“Do I, Do I creep you out?”
KEVIN takes CHARLIE into his arms, she places her head on his chest.
CHARLIE
The moment you saw me?
KEVIN
You walked into that studio, with this great smile on your face and your hair was… it’s not like it was a steady thing, at first at least. Sometimes I would see you… and it was like “Oh yeah… her.” Then we got to be friends and…
CHARLIE
You thought it might be a little inconvenient?
KEVIN
Right.
CHARLIE
We have danced around this for a while haven’t we?
KEVIN
For a dumbass, Gil had some pretty wise things to say earlier.
CHARLIE
I’ve got to say I was rather surprised myself.
KEVIN
We should find a way to commemorate this day.
CHARLIE and KEVIN start to move in for a kiss… but are interrupted by:
GIL
HEY YOU GUYYYYS!
GIL runs back onto the stage wearing a Cap’n America mask & carrying an armload of stuff.
He stops and takes in the new couple.
GIL
I used to think he just had a thing for chicks with dude’s names. But I think there’s a bit more to it now.
KEVIN
There is.
CHARLIE
I know.
They move into kiss and are again interrupted by:
GIL
Look at all of this cool shit I found!
GIL drops his newfound treasures onto the floor.
CHARLIE
Great.
GIL
Fetched collectively from far-flung galaxies these 3 champions of justice… (points to self) SINGLE MINDED MAN, (Charlie) MS. SPECTACULAR and (Kevin) DELAYED REACTION MAN were brought together for the purpose of….
KEVIN
Delayed reaction man? Couldn’t I have been cool, like Spidey?
GIL
Spider-Man? Spider-Man? He does whatever a spider can? Do you think that guy would be such a braggart if he’d been bitten by a radioactive flea?
CHARLIE
How about a nuclear earthworm?
GIL
Oooh… that’d be hi-larious.
GIL begins flopping around on the floor like a boneless, segmented creature.
KEVIN
Alright Earthworm Jim, enough.
GIL bolts up, puts his cheesehead back on, picks up the Captn Jack doll and starts acting like a pirate, singing…
GIL
WHOOAAAH-WHOAA ‘TIS THE PIRATES LIFE FOR ME, I’M SAILING THE SEAS OF CHEESE…
CHARLIE
So, what do we do now?
KEVIN picks up a rope from GIL’s pile o’ stuff.
KEVIN
Let’s tie him up.
CHARLIE
That is a fantastic idea, that I can definitely get behind.
GIL stops his tomfoolery as CHARLIE and KEVIN unravel the rope.
GIL
Whoah, hey guys. No. You’re not really going to do that now are you?
CHARLIE and KEVIN start to close in on GIL each carrying an end of the rope in their hand.
GIL
Aw, c’mon you guys. No fair two against one.
GIL takes off and CHARLIE and KEVIN take off after him. The trio exits the stage in one direction, and then come running back in from that same direction… this time KEVIN has fashioned the rope into a lasso and is swinging it over his head.
KEVIN
YEE-HAWWW!
GIL
If it wasn’t for me you guys would still be moping around!
KEVIN & CHARLIE
Thanks Gil!
Fade out.
THE END
