PLANET BIERWAGEN

2011 NATIVITY MAP

2011-12-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

I came in 3rd for the first annual HEY! LOOK AT MY TOYS! ACTION FIGURE NATIVITY SCENE contest. I thought it might be nice to do a key of some kind for those who were curious about any of the figures in my photo.

1. The Angel is a BUZZ-OFF action figure from Mattel's 2002 Masters of the Universe line.

2. The Virgin Mary is being portrayed by Jenna Jameson. Are you shocked that they made a Jenna Jameson action figure? Shocked that I own one? Or shocked at how NOT shocked you are that I own one?

3. Joseph - He am Bizarro from the 90s animated Superman series.

4. Baby Jesus had chosen the form of the destructor... a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man minimate.

5. The 3 wise men are: Beldaar Conehead, Earthworm Jim, and the Buddy Christ - in santa hats! The Buddy Christ in the Santa hat... works on so many levels.

6. The Little Drummer Boy is the drummer from the world famous CALIFORNIA RAISINS.

7. The Dinosaur comes courtesy of Fischer-Price.

8. PANTHOR is from the current Masters of the Universe Classics collection I had really hope to avoid using multiple toys from the same toylines... but I only cheated a little with this one and the ol' bee man.

9. The dog is from the classic Fischer-Price Little People series. This style was retired twenty-some years ago... but still rocks today, compared to what FP calls Little People these days.

YOU GUYS SUCK!

It's Been A-F*ckin' While...

2011-11-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

Whoah! I went a tad blog crazy back in June and July... but by the beginning of August it quickly died down -- again. But... I'm back, baby! So, what have I been up to?

I've been trying to make things at PLANET BIERWAGEN bigger and better.

Currently in my life I am unemployed. I receive a small pittance from the Gov't every month in the form of a disability check. However this may not last forever... and I am desperately trying to plan for my future.

If/when I must rejoin the workforce, I'd rather do it on my own terms, doing something that doesn't make me want to come home and stick my head in the oven every frickin' night.

Back in August I made $15 in ad revenue from my youtube channel, but that was after posting a VIDEO EVERY SINGLE DAY and getting less than 300 views on most of those videos. But I think I can make the channel into something bigger and better... and possibly a career. I don't care about making WHAT THE BUCK money... if I could make MCDonalds money, doing what I love, that'd be great.

On my channel I recently posted this video:

A collaboration I did with Mr. RJ O'Hagan... a short film, little skit, comedy sketch if you will. This is the kind of thing I'd like to do more of in the future. I have plenty of ideas, the trouble seems to be in rounding up PEOPLE.

However it seems that my online friends are more reliable than any friends who live in my genral vicinity. Trying to get one or a group of them to help me out with a project is like pulling fucking teeth.*sigh*

For example I had a project that I pitched to a couple of people back in April. It probably would have taken less than an hour to shoot... maybe 90 minutes depending on how smoothly things went. But it was one thing after another: I'm doing this play, now I'm doing this play, I'll be out of town for 6 weeks, I'm back... but I'm doing this play now, I'm moving to L.A.... (this BS went on through SEPTEMBER!) AAAaaargh! You see what I mean?

I have many, many ideas for little scripted and some not-so-scripted videos... but apparently I don't rank high enough on anyone's FRIEND-O-METER to make them happen. I suppose that I could attempt to write little one-man pieces, but that's kinda what I'm trying NOT to do. Ya know?

Anyhoozle... I've been posting a ton of stuff on my DEVIANT ART page. I've got a couple of cool things over there: this little 2 page auto-bio comic I wrote as well as this updated comic I originally did back in 1995. Check 'em out!

I've also been creating a lot of products for my ZAZZLE STORE.... buy a shirt or something and help me launch PLANET BIERWAGEN into the stratosphere.

WHERE MY TOYS AT? #2: SPACEBALLS

2011-08-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

If there is one line of toys that I am disappointed never happened it's got to be SPACEBALLS: THE ACTION FIGURES! I mean c'mon... they were in the actual movie... and nothing! We got nothing!

Then during the late 90s/early 00s craze of toy companies picking up licenses for all sorts of 80s films: Beetlejuice, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Bob & Doug McKenzie, etc., etc. etc. I thought for sure one of those franchises would have to be SPACEBALLS. And still we got bupkis.

I mean come on... couldn't they have at least been an FAO SHWARZ exclusive? See what I did there?

Shit! I hate it when my SCHWARTZ gets twisted!

And then with the announcement of an animated SPACEBALLS series... my hopes were once again to be risen... only to be dashed when I actually saw an episode of the show.

Dear God... it was awful.

I guess little plastic versions of Barf, Dark Helmet, Princess Vespa, Lone Star and Yogurt were just never meant to be.

That is, of course, unless they finally get around to making SPACEBALLS 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPACEBALLS 2. Rick Moranis would probably come out of retirement for that, right?

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KINGDOM OF THE DISCO SKULL

2011-07-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

For the uninitiated let me explain Diamond Comics' PREVIEWS catalog. The PREVIEWS catalog is a monthly publishing offered to comic book stores that allows them a sneak peek at upcoming items. For comic books it's usually 2 months in advance. For other stuff it can sometimes be 4, 6 or even 12 months before some of the toys, graphic novel collections, statues, etc. will see the light of day.

Fortunately my local comic book store gives regular customers, like myself, one of these catalogs for FREE. Which is great, because some stores will charge you the 4.95 cover price... no matter how much you spend in their store.

I used to refer to new PREVIEWS day as a monthly Christmas. In the late 90s the thing was practically phone book sized. These days it is about the size of a large magazine. Which means it still filled with all kinds of crazy stuff. I have decided to start a regular column here about some of the CRAZIER shit I find in the pages of PREVIEWS. This first entry features items from the JULY catalog for items shipping in September 2011.

"I'M BACON!"

Let's kick it off with a little item called MY FIRST BACON! Why not? MFB is a googly-eyed, 19" plush toy in the form of a bacon strip! Ooh... and he talks too! The only thing that would make this better is if he were edible. (SRP $20)

If anthropomorphic pork products aren't your thing... perhaps I can interest you in a DISCO BALL SHAPED LIKE A SKULL?! (SRP $50)

This is either the creepiest dance club accessory ever OR the coolest Skeletor variant Mattel has come up with thus far!

I usually roll my eyes when I see those pricey inflatable yard decorations people put in their yeards for Christmas or Halloween... but this... this... I would want.

WHAT DID YOU DO RAY?

An EIGHT AND A HALF FOOT tall, inflatable STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN! MOTHER PUS BUCKET!

How about a $9 box of crackers? No? What if they were made of people?

NOW you're interested, aren't you!

What do you put on SOYLENT GREEN crackers? Clothing?

The best way to end anything is with the letter "Z" as in ZOMBIE... ZOMBIE HOMER SIMPSON!

($20) Available in up to size 2XL

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WE'RE #1 (or #2?)!

2011-07-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Just looking over my comic book order for SEPTEMBER 2011 I see I have requested EIGHTEEN books that are kicking off with issue ONE! Most of this is due to the relaunch/reboot/recycling of the DC Comics' Universe... in which the month of September will see 52 brand spanking new #1 issues.

However there are some other noteworthy #1 releases that are not being released by the folks at DC. I thought that I might direct your atttention towards a few of them.

In September DARK HORSE kicks off season 9 of it's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER comic book. Season 8 ran for 40 issues, will season 9 be equal in length? Only creator Joss Whedon probably knows for certain. Prior to season 9's launch in September, August sees the debut of ANGEL & FAITH #1... and you may be surprised to learn that this Buffy-verse spinoff is an ongoing series. Huh. Who saw that one coming?

Not this Slayer fan that's for sure. However I am highly pleased that the entire crew of the Buffy-verse is back under one publisher. Hopefully the stories will be good enough to erase some of the memories of IDW's ANGEL season 6. WTF was up with that goldfish, anyway?

Who ya gonna call in September? That's right... it is finally here, the debut of an ongoing GHOSTBUSTERS comic book series from the folks at IDW.

With GB fan favorite artist Dan Schoening handling the interiors, and at least one of the slew of variant covers that will be available for each issue. IDW has announced that each issue will feature a "classic album" variant cover by artist Nick Runge. Issue 1 is an homage to KISS. Issue 2 features the GBs walking down Abbey Road. And issue 3 pays tribute to the cover of Queen's second album QUEEN II, an image also later made famous in their Bohemian Rhapsody video.

The series is being written by Erik Burnham, who did an excellent job on the GHOSTBUSTERS part of IDW's multi-title event - INFESTATION.

As I've written and vlogged before, the GHOSTBUSTERS comics so far, have been hit or miss for me. If you can find 'em... track down the "Legion" four issue GB mini-series from 88MPH Studios. And IDWs "Displaced Agression" four parter is pretty decent too.

The monthly GB comic will also include regular backup material, in the form of case files being reviewed by Walter "Dickless" Peck.

The success of a book like GHOSTBUSTERS depends highly on sales, particularly pre-sales, so I encourage you to find your nearest comic book shop and pre-order your monthly GHOSTBUSTERS fix. Perhaps one of each cover... just to make it safe.

IDW is also launching (tee hee) a new ongoing STAR TREK comic in September. This monthly series is set in the continuity of the 2009 film and will take a look at the new Enterprise crew as they embark on missions that re-imagine stories from the original tv series.

Along with GHOSTBUSTERS and STAR TREK... IDW is introducing a new TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
comic. Issue 1 actually hits in August, with issue 2 scheduled for September. Original TMNT creator Kevin Eastman is co-writing the series. In addition to these new TMNT adventures, IDW will also be reprinting many of the hard to find original TMNT books into collectible hardcovers. RADICAL!

Sheesh! Is nothing sacred?!

Naturally my order form also includes many (ELEVEN) of the relaunched DC titles. As a comic book nerd I can't help it. You've got to admit it'll be kind of cool to have NEW #1 issues of books like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc. However I am kind of disappointed that the new costume designs mean the demise of Superman's little red undies.

I know most fanboys hate the red "outer shorts", ehhh... but I've always kind of liked them, of course a lot of fanboys just outright hate Superman... come to think of it, too many of them seem to focus on the crimson britches.

Though I have a feeling with a new SUPERMAN movie scheduled for theatres for the Holiday 2012 season... Superman's "classic" look won't remain gone for long.

I've been reading comics for about 33 of my 36 years. This "reset" or similar gimmicks have been done before... only for everything to go back to the way it was... eventually. Let's call it... THE NEW COKE EFFECT. I must say that I have been rather amused by some of the outrage and breakdowns this event has caused for some of the geek community. I wish I could sit them down and tell them to relax... afterall... It's just comics man!

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WHERE MY TOYS AT? #1: AUDREY II

2011-07-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well... I started a regular feature here about awful toys that got made. Now I'm going to start another one about toys that I am still waiting for TO BE MADE!

For a long time it was pretty difficult to find toys/action figures based on anything that was not directly aimed at kids. 'R' rated horror movies? Forget it! Fans longed for articulated plastic versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, Leatherface, Pokerface... er, uh...

Then came the late 90s and companies like McFarlane toys, NECA, Mezco, Palisades... and suddenly movie properties that had been previously ignored started filling up the toy aisles everywhere... well mostly at places like Suncoast, Hastings, Spencer Gifts, and Game Stop stores. But still! They were there! In our grubby toy collecting mitts!

For years we clamored for a figure of Ash (Bruce Campbell) from the Evil Dead films. And McFarlane toys came through... not just with Ash, but also BAD ASH... and 18" talking Ash... even a Good vs Bad Ash 2-pack! Then Mezco came through with all kinds of stuff... cutesy little Army of Darkness mezitz... Palisades even attempted a 4" collectible line. Then NECA took the license and gave us S-Mart Ash and Medeival Ash.

Clearly the toy world has run out of ideas. Or have they?

Ever since the horror movie toy craze began with McFarlane's MOVIE MANIACS line I have been praying to the molded plastic Gods for a figure/puppet/dioarama of some kind featuring that MEAN GREEN MOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE... Audrey II!

AUDREY II is one of the greatest cinematical special effects achievments, pre or post CGI, in this blogger's humble opinion. Of course in the film the plant goes through several stages from tiny pod to a towering toothy terror.

You will earn $35.98 in ebay bucks. I bet you will... I bet you will...

HOLY SHIT! Look what I just found on eBay!!! Anybody got $2000 I can borrow?

So... where's my Audrey II toy? I want a miniature replica of that killer plant in his meanest greenest form as seen at the end of Little Shop of Horrors! It's be great if it were some kind of puppet or animatronic thing. Just somebody get on it... STAT!
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FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS #1: DET. ROBERT GOREN

2011-07-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

Sunday June 26th, 2011 saw the series finale of LAW and ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT as well as the departure of Vincent D'onofrio's Det. Robert Goren from television's vast landscape of quirky detectives. Or so, as before, we've been led to believe. (More on that later.)

On September 30th, 2001 L&O:CI began on NBC as the second spinoff of the L&O mothership. The show quickly dominated it's timeslot, and did so for 3 seasons... until that damn Housewives show began on ABC in 2004. Beginning with season 7 the show was moved to the NBCUniversal-owned USA cable network, as a budget sharing measure, due to the series' declining ratings.

The seventh season became the highest rated show on cable and quadrupled USA's previous Thursday night ratings. So naturally for season 8 they moved the show to Sundays.

I will admit that I was not always a fan or even a viewer of L&O:CI. An avid television watcher, even I recognize I watch too much tv, so some things fall by the wayside. It didn't help that prior to season 5 it was announced that actor Vincent D'onofrio would be cutting back his Goren duties to every-other episode of the show. Chris Noth, portraying his Det. Mike Logan character from the original L&O, filled in on the the non-Goren episodes.

Initially I scoffed at reports of D'onofrio's fatigue. "Hmmmmph. Actors." But it turns out it was actually pretty serious - he was hospitalized in 2004 for nervous exhaustion.

When I ultimately became hooked on the show, I grew to see how depicting a character like Det. Robert Goren could be physically and emotionally grueling for an actor, especially one as skilled as Mr. D.

My love of L&O:CI and Det. Goren began in 2009 after being unemployed for over a year. My L&O addiction began with the original flavor L&O classic which I discovered was on somewhere just about every day of the week - particularly on cable's TNT - which features mini-marathons on Saturday and Sunday mornings. When those ended I could usually count on L&O:SVU being on the USA network and then one Saturday I stumbled upon another mini-marathon, this time of Criminal Intent on WGN America. It wasn't long before I realized that Mondays on the USA network usually feature a good 8 to 10 hours of Intent.

After that it was Man Crush City for me and Detective Goren.

Goren is most frequently compared to the most masterful of Detectives... BATMAN! Er, uh... Sherlock Holmes. While Goren is sensitive and vulnerable. He does carry the Holmes-ian qualities of being a quirky and extraordinarily intelligent investigator/criminal profiler. Goren typically employs his knowledge of an enormous range of topics: physics, chemistry, literature, history, psychology, (multiple) foreign languages, pop culture and currrent events. It's obvious that Robert Goren is a man who spends any of his free time studying.

One of my favorite examples is from an episode where Goren notices a murder victim has an unordinary amount of nickels... he quickly deduces that the microfiche machines at the library require nickels and that the library would be a great place to investigate the case further.

Goren's analytical approach, at time, resembles that of a high functioning autistic or someone with extremely high OCD. Though both detectives display arrogance, Goren makes his living as a detective in NYC's "Major Case Squad" while Holmes only focused on cases that he considered to be complex (paging... Dr. House!).

Goren's partner Alexandra Eames often serves as his Dr. Watson. She is actually the lead detective in all of the duo's cases, since Goren's methods are often considered peculiar or outlandish by the higher-ups at 1PP. While their relationship is quite businesslike, the pair also frequently play husband and wife during their investigations. During those times when Eames notices Goren is under stress, she will address him by his less formal name "Bobby".

Goren even has a Moriarty of his very own. Nicole Wallace (portrayed by Olivia D'abo) appeared in several episodes over the show's run.

Professor Moriarty, I presume?

Goren also likes to toy with "persons of interest" as he questions them. Frequently he will play off his looks, as the big lug, by being obtuse or immature. It's a blast to see him play with people's minds like putty. Often he is many steps ahead of them, when some of these schmucks think they've got the upper hand.

There are many theories about what occured after season 8 of Intent.   Chris Noth left the show after season 7 and quirkmeister Jeff Goldblum was brought in to take over. While Jeff Goldblum is another actor I enjoy watching, but his Detective Zack Nichols character was no Robert Goren.

For some (monetary?) reason, it seems that the network thought the show could continue without Vincent D'onofrio and Kathryn Erbe and their contracts were not renewed.   ***NOTE: I found a really interesting Q&A w/ D'onfrio where he talks about this topic.

However the duo appeared in the two part season 9 premiere. For me, it was a very emotional moment at the end of part two when Detective Goren is forced out of his job. I teared up every time I caught that part.

After season 9, for whatever reason, Goldblum decided he was done with the show. Nobody was sure what would happen to L&O:CI... most of us thought it was done. Stick a fork in it.   Then, SUDDENLY, on September 21st 2010 it was announced that D'ONOFRIO IS BACK on L&O:CI, BABY! For a shortened final season of 8 episodes.

They weren't the best episiodes that Criminal Intent had produced.   One thing I did love about season 10, were the therapy sessions Goren was required to take as part of his reinstatement. In fact I wish we'd gotten a little MORE of that, and a lot less of the "ripped from the headlines" cases featured in each episode.

At least this time Goren got more of an upbeat ending. I still teared up, but mostly because I was proud of how much progress "Bobby" had made in these final 8 episodes.

There was talk that season 10 may not be THE END.   However the USA Network seems pretty determined that the show has now seen it's SERIES finale.

I think it would be great if Goren and company returned once in a while for some Criminal Intent tv movies. Or better yet a NEW series, where Goren leaves the NYPD and goes out on his own as a private eye/detective. Leaving the sometimes stiff L&O framework... and allowing the stories to be more Goren-esque.  But that's probably a pipe dream. And maybe it's better that way. Goren's adventures will have to continue in my head... they're probably better in there anyway.

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WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #3: THE MEAT

2011-06-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

Toy makers JAKK'S PACIFIC are mostly known for the wide range of WRESTLING action figures they produce. Back in 2006 they expanded a little and began a line of toys based on the ROCKY franchise of films: Rocky, Mick, Paulie, Apollo Creed, Thunder Lips, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, etc.

One of the most iconic scenes in cinema history is the training scene from the original ROCKY, where Rocky Balboa is taking out his aggression on a frozen slab of beef.

So it'd make sense if one of the ROCKY action figures included said slab o' meat as an accessory, right?

You might like our salami, and the liver's all right... and they really go well with the RYE... or the KAISER!!!

Oh Yeah... I don't.

But that wasn't good enough for JAKK'S PACIFIC. Instead THE MEAT had to become a carded "action figure" of it's own.

Brilliant, huh?!

I mean who doesn't want to blow a good $8-10+ of their action figure budget on a miniature plastic side of beef?

GREAT IDEAS FOR MORE MOVIE PROPS AS ACTION FIGURES!
1. Rosebud from Citizen Kane
2. Ringing Bells from It's A Wonderful Life
3. Wilson from Cast Away
4. The Shower Curtain from Psycho
5. The crawling meat from Poltergeist

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YOU HAVE BEEN CHOPPED!

2011-06-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I like cooking shows. Not all of them, but a lot of them: Iron Chef, Chopped, Next Food Network Star, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, The Great Food Truck Race, Good Eats, Diners/Drive-Ins & Dives, Cupcake Wars, Unwrapped, Ace of Cakes...

I can't really stand to watch FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGE where it is often required for a team of contestants to carry a 6 foot+ tall cake across a room. That shit is nerve wracking! Who needs one GIANT cake?! Just gimme two or three regular sized cakes instead. Plus cake fondant kinda gives me the creeps.

What exactly is that stuff made out of anyway?

CHOPPED is a fascinating show on the Food Network. If you're unfamiliar, this is a cooking show, where a group of chefs must create culinary masterpieces from a "mystery basket" of food items. There are 3 rounds (appetizer, entree and desert). After each round a team of judges decides who will be CHOPPED for failing to come up with a decent plate of food. The winning chef gets to take home $10,000.

Often times the "mystery basket" contains a bizarre mish-mash of (usually 4) food items like: Vienna Sausages, a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, Kumquats and a tube of Dora the Explorer toothpaste.

No matter what kind of miracle cuisine these chefs come up with, there's always at least one judge that finds something wrong:

"The way you rendered the Vienna Sausages diluted that distinct pig scrotum flavor and I really missed that."

"With the toothpaste, you really missed an opportunity to use the fluoride to enhance the taste of the kum in the quat."

Ha! Ha! SCROTUM!

Recently FOX debuted the second season of MASTER CHEF or is it MasterChef (one word)? A show I enjoyed immensley last summer. I think Gordon Ramsay is fantastic and is actually a big softie compared to the image he often projects on his other shows (Hell's Kitchen/Kitchen Nightmares).

MasterChef is like American Idol for cooking enthusiast. Not professional chefs as much as people who like to tinker around in their kitchens. Contestants face a variety of challenges from peeling the perfect apple to cooking upperscale cafeteria food for large groups of people. The winner receives a lucrative publishing and endorsement deal.

The only thing I really can't stand about the show is judge Graham Elliot. You'd think as a fellow fatty I'd identify with him, perhaps admire and/or look up to him... but for some reason I cannot stand the man.

I just want to smack those damned white framed glasses off of his smug face.

And that hat makes you look like a douchebag too!

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #2: RITA ESCOBAR

2011-06-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

The 1999 cinematic adaptation of the classic 1960s television series THE WILD WILD WEST is responsible for many travesties: giant mechanical spiders, that awful Will Smith song, that worse than awful Enrique Iglesisas song (Bailamos!!!) and yet another forgetable line of toys.

However the film did feature the sexy, saucy Salma Hayek in the role of Rita Escobar. And unlike the way things usually go with female character to promotional toy crossovers... a Rita Escobar action figure was actually produced! Sadly it was produced by the unfortunately named X-Toys (which later became N2 Toys).

Believe it or not back in 1999 Rita was highly sought among collectors, at least until the film actually came out. However the toys hit store shelves around April or May and the film wasn't released until July... allowing for a lot of antici - - pation.

I managed to stumble across one of these poorly sculpted wonders during one of my regular TOYS R US visits. I paid a whopping 4.99 for it and turned it around for a tidy $30 profit on the ol' bay of E.

It looks like X-TOYS could have taken a few tips from the folks at TOY ISLAND. Since I bought her solely to turn around and sell her online I did not open her, so I can't be 100% certain, but it looks like Ms. Escobar has less articulation then one of those little green army men. Add that to the part where she looks like a candidate for the NFL draft.

Sweet Crap Almighty! They didn't even do the DRESS justice!

It's like they were separated at birth!

I recall the guy who bought it from me was very enthusiastic. I wonder how long it took for that case of buyer's remorse to kick in?

WORST. ACTION. FIGURE. EVER. #1: PUDFACE

2011-06-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first edition of what I hope will be a regular feature here at the blog. Our first toy comes from the syndicated ROBOCOP tv series that aired in the early 90s.

Wait... there was a syndicated ROBOCOP tv series in the early 90s?

Yes, there was. And if you blinked you most likely missed it as it only ran for 23 episodes. The show was based in part on an abandoned script for ROBOCOP II, however the only character names the series' creators were allowed to use were Robocop and his pre-cyborg moniker of Alex Murphy. All of the other names had to be changed and references to the films were not allowed. Oh, and Robocop was guided by a holographic cyber-angel. WTF?

That's Pudface Morgan to you, pal!

Perhaps the oddest thing about the ROBOCOP series was Murphy's arch-nemesis on the show... a man simply known as: PUDFACE.

If you didn't know about the syndicated series, you were probably even less aware that there was a line of toys based on the show. The toys were produced by a little company called TOY ISLAND. To say the quality of these figures wasn't great is an understatement. These things looked like party favors, not good party favors mind you, they were more like dollar store party favors.

What did you say young man? *SLAP*

Now this figure makes the initial installment of this feature not only because it was a poorly fabricated and just all around fugly toy. But, of course, because it's name is PUDFACE!

Imagine the horror of many parents as their child yelled down the aisles of TOYS R US or KayBees... "Mom/Dad! Can I get PUDFACE?!"

The figure is highly UNARTICULATED, note the gun sticking out of his pants, which is actually sculpted onto the figure. Oooh... playability! At one time I owned a Pudface figure, which I purchased from a clearance bin at Kaybee Toys. I never did open the ugly S.O.B and ultimately I think I donated him to charity.

What was I thinking? The poor kid who got stuck with that probably grew up to hate toys.

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THE FAIRY-FELLER'S MASTER STROKE

2011-06-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

2011 marks the 40th anniversary of the super sonic British rock band QUEEN. To mark the occasion each album from their discography is being re-released as a 2-disc, remastered CD (or download if you prefer). This is being done sequentially, in groups of five. The month of May saw the U.S. debut of the first batch: QUEEN, QUEEN II, SHEER HEART ATTACK, A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, and A DAY AT THE RACES.

I decided to start purchasing these re-releases with one of my favorite Queen albums 1974's QUEEN II. QUEEN II is Queen's second album.   I know... crazy right? QUEEN II is a concept album filled with Kings, Queens of various shades, Ogres, Witches, Fairies and all kinds of Dungeons and Dragons/Lord of the Rings type shenanigans.

QUEEN II is probably their least accessible album, meaning as far stand-out singles - there really isn't one. Sure, "Seven Seas of Rhye" shows up on many of their greatest hits collections.  But I find it highly unlikley one would want to just sit back and rock out to say... "The March of the Black Queen" (track 9). I really think that QUEEN II should be listened to as a whole.

TRACK LIST: 1. Procession, 2. Father To Son, 3. White Queen (As It Began), 4. Some Day One day, 5. The Loser in the End, 6. Ogre Battle, 7. The Fairy-Feller's Master Stroke, 8. Nevermore, 9. March of the Black Queen, 10. Funny How Love Is, 11. Seven Seas of Rhye

You may be more familiar with the QUEEN II album cover image as it was later famously recreated in the band's 1975 video for "Bohemian Rhapsody". I would like to pick up each of these remasters, however I will have to do so sporadically. I may just purchase my absolute favorites on CD, and buy downloads of the rest as they tend to be $6 or $7 cheaper. I haven't decided for certain yet.

The bonus disc includes 5 rare tracks: 1. See What A Fool I've Been (1973 BBC Session); 2. White Queen (Hammersmith Odeon 1975); 3. Seven Seas of Rhye (Instrumental); 4. Nevermore (BBC Sessions 1974) and 5. See What a Fool I've Been (B-Side version, February 1974).

I was recently listening to a podcast that shall go unnamed, in which one of the hosts commented that he always thought of Queen as a "novelty band".   Seriously? Freddie Mercury's vocals, Brian May on guitar, Roger Taylor's drumming, and John Deacon on bass = NOVELTY ACT?

Each of QUEEN's album sounded different than the last, but you could always tell that it was QUEEN.   You want to refer to that kind of artistry, creativity and innovation as a "novelty act"?! For shame sir, for shame!
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I just can't believe you believe those urban legends, but I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes and debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly!

2011-06-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome to PART 2 of my track-by-track review of "Weird Al" Yankovic's 13th studio album ALPOCALYPSE!

Hellz Yeah!

7. PARTY IN THE CIA (Parody of Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA") Ah-Ha! It's the new theme song for the USA network tv series COVERT AFFAIRS. Okay, maybe not, I was probably just looking for an excuse to post a picture of a sexy, pouty lipped CIA operative.

CIA is like the field report of a "wild & crazy" covert agent: Burn that microfilm buddy, will you, I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you! You need a quickie confession? Well, start a waterboarding session! SONG GRADE: B-

8. RINGTONE - Yet another track from the "Internet Leaks". This "style parody" is a homage to one of the greatest, most innovative rock bands ever - QUEEN! This epic tune, done in the grandiose style of "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a mini rock opera about an embarassing ringtone. Cuz, hey, who wants to waste $1.99? SONG GRADE: B

9. ANOTHER TATTOO (Parody of "Nothin' On You" by B.o.B and Bruno Mars) This is the part of the review where I start to feel really, really OLD. As I am completely UNFAMILIAR with the original song. However I do know that Bruno Mars is the Douchebag Songsmith Supreme. Unfortunately this song is not about a diminutive actor hoping to land a role in the upcoming big screen adaptation of FANTASY ISLAND. Fantasy Island? See, I told you that I was old. The song is actually done from the POV of an ink covered individual who is running out of space on his body to etch anything else, and he does not regret any of the silly, misspelled tattoos (some of which he got on a bet) that he already has including: Clay Aiken, a side of bacon and a clarinet playing Boba Fett. SONG GRADE: B-

10. IF THAT ISN'T LOVE Al has a long history of demented love songs: One More Minute, Melanie, You Don't Love Me Anymore, Good Old Days, and Good Enough For Now to name a few. If That Isn't Love is another entry into that category. A style parody of Hanson, featuring Hanson's Taylor Hanson on piano. The central character here has some strange ideas about the meaning of love. "Even though you made me sit through MAMA MIA, I still adore you. I totally support every idiotic thing you do, and I almost never pretend your someone else when I'm making out with you". I don't know if I should laugh or cry because I know so many guys who would NOT get that this song is not meant to be some sort of dating advice column set to music. SONG GRADE: B

11. WHATEVER YOU LIKE (Parody of "Whatever You Like" by T.I.) Yet another time where I feel like my grandpa yelling at the radio, because I'd never heard the original before the release of Al's take on the song. Personally, I usually like it MORE when Al parodies songs that I like or even love. Not that I don't find any joy in his versions of songs I've never heard or despise. This was the first of the "Internet Leaks" tracks to be released, according to Al it went from concept to downloadable content in the space of about 2 weeks. That is fantastic use of the avaialble technology IMHO. "Whatever" parodies the hip hop staple of a guy promising his gal whatever she wants... in these difficult financial times. "Yeah you like Top Ramen? Need Top Ramen? I've got a cupboard full of 'em. I'll keep 'em coming". It's like if Mtv's CRIBS did a follow up on some of these rap guys who blow the proceeds from their first album on gold plated everything. SONG GRADE: B

12. STOP FORWARDING THAT CRAP TO ME This is probably my favorite track on ALPOCALYPSE (note: the title of this blog entry is taken from the lyrics), not only because it is a style parody of a Jim Steinman scribed Meat Loaf tune, but because it is also so damn spot on. "You pass around a link to some dumb thing on youtube everyone else saw three years ago... please stop forwarding that crap to me." SONG GRADE: A+

I'm sure to a few of you that some of my criticisms may seem harsh, especially after claiming that I love Weird Al. I do love Al and I suppose my disapointment, in part at least, is thanks to the rose colored glasses of nostalgia. He's been a constant influence to me, a genius who has outlasted many of the acts he's parodied so well for over nearly 3 decades. Coolio anyone?

It must be increasingly difficult to find worthy parody fodder. A popular song doesn't have the life it used to. These days "15 minutes of fame" isn't much of an exaggeration. That's why I had such high hopes when Al started toying with digital distribution. Wow! Instant gratification much?

I also loathe when other comedians seem to look down on what Al does as some "lower form" of comedy. Like their tired material about growing up fill in the ethnicity was so hard is such advanced, highbrow comedy. I'm looking at you George Lopez! There aren't many comedy albums that have moved as many units as Al's records. And there certainly aren't as many with as high of a replay value. Used CD shops everywhere are using Dane Cook's 2005 Retaliation album for drink coasters, book markers, and skeet shooting targets.
______________________________________

I'LL BE A TROLL OR EVIL QUEEN, I'LL BE A HUMAN JELLYBEAN, CUZ EVERYDAY IS HALLOWEEN...

2011-06-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

I have been a "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC fan since the third grade. Shortly after he released his second album "WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC in 3-D featuring what is probably the BIGGEST song parody of all time "Eat it".

One of the BIGGEST regrets of my life happened back in 1984 when Al played our local state fair. Damn straight I attended that show. However earlier that day while Mr. Yankovic decided to take a friendly stroll around the fairgrounds, I turned into a chicken, instead of approachim him like many others were, I tried to fidn the best hiding spot. Why? Well... because I was wearing a Michael Jackson shirt. And y'know since Al had recorded "Eat It" I figured he must really hate that guy. Hey! Cut me a break. This is how a 9 year old's brain works! At least that's how my brain worked at that age. *sigh*

I have seen Al perform LIVE a few more times since that August 1984 show. May 1994, September 2007 and August 2008. Fantastic shows all. One thing that struck me funny at one of the more recent shows was the realization of the wide age spectrum of AL-coholics. Kids and adults from the ages of 8 to 88. I saw a 50-something couple dressed up in full AMISH gear.

Tuesday, June 21st 2011, sees the release of Al's 13th studio album: ALPOCALYPSE. The four horsemen of the ALPOCALYPSE must be: Parody, Pop Culture, Platinum (as in records -- he's earned 6 of 'em!), and of course -- Polka.

Much like his 2007 release "Straight Outta Lynwood", ALPOCALYPSE includes a DVD on the flip side featuring videos for (most of) the album's tunes.

Unlike "Lynwood", the new CD features 5 songs that were previously released in late 2008 and the Summer of 2009 while Al tested out the benefits of digital distribution.

ALPOCALYPSE is currently available for sneak preview on the music website: mog.com. Of which I currently have a 14 day trial, so I thought I'd do an early review of each of the albums tracks.

1. PERFORM THIS WAY (Parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way") Even the most casual Al fan is probably aware of this song, due to the recent press coverage. I really hope that Gaga's telling the truth on this one, and that her "people" were the reason for all the confusion. What can I say? I've kinda got a crush.

Heh. I kind of have a thing for gals with intriguing noses.

Many people seem to think Gaga's "Born" is about BEING GAY. These people are WRONG. Plain and simple. "Born this Way" is about feeling like an outcast, and simply just knowing that you're weird. Something I think we can all identify with... especially if you're a fan of this blog. Al's parody is a tribute to Gaga's bizarre ways, from weirdo to another. I can't wait to see the video he's got planned. SONG GRADE: A

2. CNR This is what most Al fans refer to as one of his "style parodies", meaning that while it's not a direct parody of a single song, it's done in the style of a certain artist. "CNR" is an "Internet Leaks" era White Stripes inspired anthem about the many legends of... Charles Nelson Riley?! "He ate his own weight in coal, and excreted diamonds every day"! It sounds like CNR could give Chuck Norris a run for his money. SONG GRADE: B-

3. TMZ (Parody of Taylor Swift's "You Belong with Me") A country tinged ode to those who are famous for absolutely no reason: Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Jay Leno, etc. Of course it takes quite a few jabs at the "news source" known as TMZ. My favorite part comes during the breakdown and we get to hear a bunch of sound bytes from infotainment-esque announcers, particularly when one exclaims: "Everything celebrities do is FASCINATING!" SONG GRADE: A-

4. SKIPPER DAN Another track released back in 2009. The tale of a starry-eyed sucker with a fine arts degree who is forced to work at a theme park while dreaming bigger, much, much BIGGER. I'll admit this is not one of my favorite Weird Al songs. SONG GRADE: C

5. POLKA FACE This is one of Al's infamous accordian infused, polka-ized mashups of several current-ish songs, with an emphasis on Lady Gaga's "Poker Face".

Did someone say MORE Gaga?

This seems like a track that could have benefited from digital distribution as most of the songs included in the medley are at least TWO years old if not older. Poker Face (2008), Womanizer (2008), I Kissed A Girl (2008), Fireflies (2009), Tik Tok (2009) and several others.

In the past Al's polka medleys have dealt with not-so-new material. His first polka - 1984's POLKA'S ON 45 featured many classic songs from the Beatles to Hendrix, The Who, The Doors and the Rolling Stones, speaking of which... 1989's HOT ROCKS POLKA was composed entirely of songs my Mick Jagger and the boys. And 1993's BOHEMIAN POLKA was of course, a polka-fied version of QUEEN'S "Bohemian Rhapsody".

However for the most part these medleys usually seem a little more recent. Many of the artists included in POLKA FACE have already released NEW albums since the songs Al revamped here. But I am glad he went for the oh, so obvious POLKA FACE title. Something I wished for in a facebook status, back in 2009. SONG GRADE: B

6. CRAIGSLIST This Doors style paordy is another of 2009's "Internet Leaks". It kind of covers the same territory as Al's 2003 Backstreet Boys parody "eBay". A song about all the obscure, inane items and services people offer through various online flea markets. However we do get keyboard work from original Doors' member Ray Manzarek. SONG GRADE: B-

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2.
________________

LOCK THE GATES!

2011-06-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

Growing up I was quite the COMEDY NERD. Back in the 80s there was standup comedy all over tv: Mtv, VH1, A&E, Nick at Night, Lifetime, Carson, Letterman and if you were fortunate enough to have premium cable channels like Showtime or HBO... jackpot! For the record I never thought Gallagher was funny. Even when I was a kid. I believe the direct quote from a 6 or 7 year old Travis was: "He smashes stuff? That's it?"

B-but... Travis, you didn't mention COMEDY CENTRAL in the above text! Well, that's because my local cable provider didn't begin carrying COMEDY CENTRAL until about 1992.

One of the slew of comedians I discovered post-CC is a guy named Marc Maron. Maron is a sarcastic, witty and insightful comic and he quickly became one of my favorites. Aside from his brief appearance in Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous (2000) as the "angry promoter"; I didn't seem to hear much from the guy during this new millenium.

However apparently he's appeared on CONAN O'BRIEN'S various talk shows over 40 times and I'm sure I must have caught a couple of those along the way. Finally back in 2010, via a message board that I frequent, I learned MARC MARON was the host of a rather popular podcast!

WTF or (What the Fuck if you must) is posted twice a week. And it is often incredible. Not just because of the content, but the fact that he landed a podcast titled WTF before someone beat him to it. Or maybe he didn't? Perhaps there are other podcasts with the WTF title? I'll go look. No, nah... I won't bother with that right now. Just go to Marc's website.

Each episode kicks off with a sound clip of Marc's Almost Famous character shouting the line "LOCK THE GATES!" over, what I think is a pretty catchy theme song. Every MONDAY and THURSDAY sees the arrival of a new WTF episode featuring Marc interviewing fellow comedians, or at least well known funny people: Dave Foley, Judd Apatow, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Robin Williams and many more!

I started off just listening to episodes with guests who I was also a fan of, but soon found myself listening to EVERYTHING. Why? Marc asks great questions. Often questions listeners probably would ask these people themselves, if they could. And sometimes even if it's a person you think that you cannot stand, or are perhaps unfamiliar with, you'd be surprised to learn their back story, and maybe at least gain a minor appreciation for what they do. And sometimes not.

My attention was first thrust upon WTF Podcast #75 aka the Carlos Mencia episode. In which Marc confronted Ned "Carlos" Holness about his practices of joke stealing, bumping other comedians at clubs and just general douchebaggery. As someone who has never been a fan of the mindlessness of Mencia, it was a pleasure to hear him practically break down and beg for understanding while at the same time admitting that he is an asshole.
And oh yes the Dane Cook episode in which Mr. SU-FI discusses the theft of his "essence" is quite something too. As is the recent update to one of the stories heard in Marc's WTF interview with comedian Steve Byrne (WTF #175).

Not every WTF episode is an examination in confrontation.

Some episodes end with the guest walking out early. Okay, ONE episode (#145) with Gallagher ends that way. It's worth a listen to hear the Sledge-O-Matic king rant about what he believes is his rightful place in the world of comedy and the conspiracy theories as to why he hasn't been allowed to succeed where other "less talented" people have. While also suggesting that much of his current material, which has come under fire for being racist and homophobic amongst other things, is perfectly fine because they're just "street jokes" that are not entirely of his creation.

Many episodes start with Marc admitting that he thinks his interview subject doesn't like him or at the very least that there is conflict of some kind between them. Only to discover it was all in his head. Maybe I find such relief in these episodes because I often suffer from the "Oh, that guy hates me" syndrome.

Other WTF episodes of note include:
#163 Conan O'Brien - At last some great insight from COCO about how he endured the NBC horse shit. And how he's happy to to have a show of his own, opposed to one that he inherited.
#146 Dave Foley - The Kids in the Hall member, who IMHO made the sexiest woman, reflects on the birth of comedy troupe. And discusses how a crazy ex-wife has resulted in dire financial troubles which keep him from returning to his home country of Canada.

Episodes featuring some of my "old school" favorites Bobcat Goldthwait (#167), Laura Kightlinger (#166), Tom Rhodes (#158) are also a treat. If that doesn't float your boat there are also interviews with more current comedians such as Patton Oswalt (#144), Brian Posehn (#181), Adam Carolla (#159) and Paul F. Tompkins (#150).

Poehler? I barely know 'er!

The most recent episode featuring Amy Poehler of "Parks and Recreation" is pretty damn fantastic. In roughly 86 minutes we cover a lot of territory. The birth of Upright Citizens brigade (and all it's offshoots), SNL, being a female in the comedy biz, SNL, Lorne Michaels, kids, improv comedy, working with Marc in the 90s and her fears of being compared to Steve Carrell. While most episodes clock in at about 60-70 minutes, this one, as I noted above runs a tad longer.

I'd love to hear Maron land some of my favorite funny folks: Weird Al, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carrell, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Michael Keaton, Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, Felicia Day, Diablo Cody, Edgar Wright... and I'm sure Marc would like to land interviews with many of these people as well. I'd also love to hear him interview actor Vincent D'Onofrio, while not really being known as a comedian or even comedic actor, Marc does have a pretty amusing story involving the Law & Order: Criminal Intent actor.

There was a time when I got jealous hearing/reading about all of these podcasts people were listening to and I couldn't ( because didn't have the proper internet connection, computer, etc). Then one day I had access to these glorious things called podcasts. For the most part I was disappointed and realized that I had not been missing out on a whole lot.

WTF definitely stands out amongst all the crap infesting the world wide web.

So... What the fuckernauts, What the fuckericans, What the fuckanucks... give the show a listen. It's available on iTunes and via other various apps. Apps? Boy, I wish I could me some of those apps, they sound pretty F'n sweet. Or you can listen to it via the Zune marketplace like I do.

Yeah, I've got a ZUNE! Do you got a problem with that?

I didn't think so.

_______________________

COMIC SHOP GIRL

2011-06-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

If I may toot my own horn a bit -- I've have had a number of short plays produced locally. Four one-acts at Venture Theatre's Annual One-Act Play Festival and three 24 hour plays produced for Venture's WET INK shows. However not everything I've submitted for the one-act festival has been chosen for the festival.

My first attempt at submitting something to the show was an ambitious piece. A musical! About what else? COMIC BOOKS. GEEKS. And of course GIRLS.

Poster concept. How many pop culture objects can you find?

COMIC BOOK GEEKS! THE MUSICAL!? is the story of Max and his three friends (all named Jason) who hang out playing RPGs in the back of their local comic book shop. Max mostly hangs out because he has a crush on Bridget, the geek goddess who is employed at the store.

There are a couple of moments in the play where I must have been sipping the Nostradamus juice... because they reflect things that have come to be. One of the jokes in the play had to do with one of the characters being repulsed by the idea of seeing Dustin "Screech" Diamond naked. Who'da thunk that one day ol' Screech would release a porno movie of his own making?

Unfortunately I am what I like to call MUSICALLY DECLINED. I know nothing about writing music, so basically I had a collection of lyrics without a score. Thus making my project a little too ambitious to put together in the time alotted for the one-act festival.

The following is the final song (and reprise) from the script. This is where Max finally expresses his feeling to Bridget. The chorus is full of SHA LA LA LAs... which I'm NOT proud of, and if I ever rebooted this project I would definitely change that. The song, with many of it's spoken moments is definitely very BNL-influenced.

I spruced it up a bit with some illustrative pictures. Italics indicate spoken dialog. ALL CAPS represent singing.

____________________________________

YOU’VE BROUGHT THIS MUTANT TURTLE OUT OF HIS SHELL
PIERCED THIS IRON MAN’S PROTECTIVE ARMOR AS WELL
YOU BROKE DOWN THE WALLS OF MY FOUR COLOR WORLD
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A COMIC SHOP GIRL

MY HEART GOES

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ROOM

And the geeks in the back sing!

CHORUS
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
HE LOVES YOU COMIC SHOP GIRL
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
MAX IS IN LOVE WITH THE COMIC SHOP GIRL

UP TIL NOW MY LIFE'S BEEN GRIM...

Jason
Dude, did you just mention your thing in a love song?

Max
Not my thing, THE THING y’know from the Fantastic Four?

Jason 2
Four? Four is nothing to brag about.

Jason 3
Now nine… NINE would be FANTASTIC!

Collective groan and laugh, MAX resumes singing:

YOU’LL BE MY MARY JANE
I’LL BE YOUR PETER PARKER…

3 Jasons (snort laugh)
Peter?!

FORGET MARY JANE I DON’T WANT HER
MY SPIDEY SENSE IS TINGLING FOR YOU…
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

(repeat chorus)

I’VE GOT MY MIND MADE UP
LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FEEL
I THINK YOU’RE MY WONDER WOMAN
MIGHT I BE YOUR MAN OF STEEL?

ARCHIE NEVER CHOSE BETWEEN VERONICA OR BETTY
ONE DAY I WILL GET DOWN ON BENDED KNEE

I THINK WE’D MAKE A DYNAMIC DUO, YOU AND ME
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL….

***REPRISE***

BRIDGET
I CAN TELL THAT YOU’RE NOT A PLAYER

MAX
YOU’RE CUTER THAN A CERTAIN VAMPIRE SLAYER

BRIDGET
Wesley Snipes?

MAX
(laughing) No…

MAX
ON MY SLEEVE MY HEART I DO WIELD

BRIDGET
LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA WITH HIS BIG OL’ SHIELD

MAX
IT’S NOT A LINE OR A JEDI MIND TRICK

BRIDGET
I’M STARTING TO THINK YOU’LL MAKE A HANDSOME SIDEKICK

MAX
Sidekick, huh?

BRIDGET
Uh, huh… you got a problem with that?

MAX
(happily) No…

I’M GLAD I FOUND YOU
MY COMIC SHOP GIRL

****

NICE PACKAGE(S)!

2011-06-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

Here is the package opening video from InternautKHunt who won the most recent contest I held on my video channel. It took me a while to get him his prize, the contest ended at the beginning of March and he didn't get his prize until late May. I had an extreme amount of dificulty deciding on a prize... let's just say any contest I have from here on out, the prize will be selected AHEAD of time.

Ken split his video into 3 parts, so check 'em out!

PART 1

PART 2 PART 3

When you're done with all 3 of those check out this 40 minute bad boy from STOUDMAN who I also sent a package to.

And last but not least here's a video from Noyjeetut, who I also recently sent some stuff to.

I'M FEELING HAIRY and MY TEETH are MEAN... I'VE GOT A WEIRD COMPLEXION and I want to SCREEEAAAM!!!

2011-06-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

When I heard that Mtv was planning to update the 80s classic film Teen Wolf I was... skeptical at best, at worst I figured they were just gonna Twilight it up and it would in NO WAY resemble the source material.

Then when I saw the first promo for the Mtv show I was a tad disappointed to learn that unlike TW85, the new TW2011 is not born into a bloodline of wolf folk, but is instead infected with lycanthropy by another wolf man in the first episode.

As for similarities we still get a Scott and a Stiles, but alas no Boof. NO BOOF!!? There was what I consider to be a pretty clever reference to the original film while Styles is doing some were-search he stumbles across a picture of a wolfman dressed in Civil War garb.

This is the ONLY picture I could seem to find online that referenced the Civil War costume from the original movie. Oh, well...

That's another BIG difference with TW2011, when he uh - "Wolfs Out" ... things don't get quite as hairy as they did with TW85. The 21st Century take on teen wolf is a lot more monster than mop.

Mtv's take on Teen Wolf isn't exactly the campy comedy of TW85. There are plenty of laughs, but the show is also fuel injected with plenty of teen angst. It doesn't help that the father Scott's girlfriend likes to hunt werewolves in his spare time.

After Scott is bitten, he finds he no longer needs his asthma inhaler. An almost Peter Parker like journey from NERD to KNOCKOUT. The show almost has a comic book-y, superhero vibe: secret identities, mysterious allies and enemies, super strength and other powers.

One thing I definitely must applaud are the effects on this Teen Wolf series (so far). Even though I was a tremendous fan of the Buffy the Vampire tv series, I am the first to admit that a lot of time the effects weren't so special. Buffy particularly had trouble keeping a consistant look to their werewolves, which is something that still bugs me to this day.

I dug the first two episodes of TEEN WOLF. I felt the show was much closer in tone to Buffy than to Twilight or even The Vampire Diaries. Perhaps watching the rest of the season will change my mind, but for now I am very intrigued by where it's going.

What do you mean there already was a TEEN WOLF television show?

"I know my history... "

2011-06-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

In my most recent youtube video, posted just moments ago, I poke a little fun at Sarah Palin due to her recent blunder involving Paul Revere. However it's not the first (and it probably won't be the last) time I have made a video about everyone's favorite "Maverick" HOCKEY MOM.

My other Palin video was one of my early youtube contributions, back before I had started to do videos on a regular basis. As of now this ONE MINUTE & FIFTY-TWO SECOND piece of art has nearly 45,000 views and has a 46 likes/40 dislikes rating. And the comments section is a hoot... a hoot I tell ya!

Currently I have it unlisted as it's production required much copyrighted material, but the good news is you CAN watch it here. Enjoy!

And if you haven't seen my latest... here ya go:

A JOURNEY BACK... to 2005!

2011-06-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

Let me take you on a strange journey... to 2005! While digging through a folder of my various writings I stumbled across a lot of things that I think I will be posting on this here blog. Up first are a couple of poems I composed with the aid of a magnetic poetry kit. I decided that they would be better if I prettied them up with some art. Ooooooh... creative!

Trippy right?

Walt Whitman eat your heart out!

NICE FUCKIN' MODEL! [HONK! HONK!]

2011-06-06T01:30:00.000-07:00

Okay... I really need to stop browsing eBay when I'm bored, because I find things. Things that I want to put in my mouth and other orifices... wait, what? Did I type that out loud?

I love toys! Clearly. At damn near 40 years of age... I CAN'T stop buying them. Exhibit A - The photo hovering above this text you're reading.

The first 3 figures purchased are VINYL POP toys, produced by a company called Funko.

OH MY HOLY HELL! I just went to their website so that I could provde that link for y'all and I just saw the VINYL POP version of the FLYING MONKEY from the Wizard of Oz! Do want! Do want!

While some of the VINYL POP figures are referred to as "bobble-heads" (Superman, Thing) other (Beetlejuice) are just called "vinyl figures". Usually I don't care for bobble-heads. In fact I am kind of weary of that whole craze. But done in this style? I just can't resist.

Each 3.75" VINYL POP figure retails for about $10. This fall will see the release of VP versions of the cereal monsters - y'know: Frankenberry, Booberry and Count Chockula.

Other characters imortalized in stylized collectible vinyl form include: KISS, RUN DMC, ELVIS PRESLEY, FREDDY KRUEGER, JASON VOORHEES as well as characters from the DC Comics, Marvel Comics and STAR WARS universes. And I need to own just about every damn one of them!

GHOSTLY HAUNTING I TURN LOOSE... Beetlejuce, Beetlejuice... BEETLEJUICE!

The final pictured figure in from the MEZ-ITZ collection produced by MEZCO TOYS and of course it depicts everyone's favorite "bio-exorcist" aka "the ghost with the most" ... BEETLEJUICE!

MEZ-ITZ have been around for a while, though they started out as 2" figurines. Lately the line has been revamped and revitalized as a series of 6" rotocast (hollow) vinyl figures.

As well as being a kickass 6" chunk o' plastic, you may have noticed Mr. Juice up there also features actual hair! Okay... maybe not actual hair, but fluffy hairy... uh hair. Though now I am picturing a team of toy executives chasing down Michael Keaton and shaving his head... y'know to give the toy that authentic feel.

MEZ-ITZ retail for about $8 and are available in far more varieties than the POP VINYL toys. Hard to believe I know.

However both lines have licences for many of the same characters. Which means decision making for this toy collector just became much more difficult. *sigh*

INCONVENIENCE IS AN ADVENTURE

2011-04-20T10:25:00.001-07:00

KEVIN
Well this is damn inconvenient.

CHARLIE
You’re telling me.

GIL
I’m sorry, how was I supposed to know that trying to smuggle this bottle of lady anti monkey-butt powder would get us kicked off the flight?

KEVIN
Why were you trying to smuggle lady anti monkey-butt powder onto the plane?

GIL
It’s pink… and it smells pretty.

CHARLIE
Because that answers so much.

GIL
Do you know how many peculiar things I’ve snuck onto planes during all of my years as a recognized prop comedian?

KEVIN
Struggling prop comedian.

GIL
Cool it “Weird Al” Yankovic! I forgot, how many copies did the Stained Futons sell of their last album?

KEVIN
Hey! I’ll have you know we’re big in the Czech Republic!

CHARLIE
Would you boys grow up? I’m the one who doesn’t belong here. Star of my own Saturday morning t.v. show. I had a #1 single on the Billboard charts for Christ’s sakes.

GIL
Yeah, the dance charts. That doesn’t count for shit.

KEVIN
Leave her alone Gallagher 2.

GIL
Hey, I’m no one trick pony with a one track mind. I am… THE BIG CHEESE.

GIL places cheesehead hat on his head.

CHARLIE
More like the big cheese ball.

GIL
Never under estimate the power of cheese.

CHARLIE
Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! WHATEVER IT IS THIS GUY CAN’T KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS!!!!!

KEVIN
Oh?

GIL
Hey, babe, it wasn’t so long ago that you didn’t seem to mind.

CHARLIE
I have the night terrors to prove it.

KEVIN
Y-you and a Gil?

CHARLIE
Kevin, I…

GIL
Oh jeez…

CHARLIE
It was a long time ago. In fact it was more of an accident…

GIL
What, you tripped fell and landed on my di—

KEVIN
HEY!

GIL
Sorry, Kev. It was a long time ago… before…

CHARLIE
Before you.

GIL
(pause) You guys wanna race?

GIL pulls several assorted toy cars out of his pockets, and sits on the ground, making car noises. CHARLIE & KEVIN stare at this for a while.

KEVIN
Are your pockets always filled with toy cars?

GIL
Hello, prop comic? Besides this one’s not a car, it’s a sled from the movie ELF. I dunno about you two but if I had kids I would NOT approve of a miniature WiIl Ferrell being included with their happy meals.

KEVIN
I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to make me… us laugh. And it’s not going to work.

GIL reaches into a pocket and pulls something out.

GIL
A MOUSE!!!???

GIL throws the mouse into the audience.

CHARLIE
Gil, dammit!

GIL stands.

GIL
Well, I know what you two are doing. And it’s not going to work.

CHARLIE & KEVIN
What we’re doing?

GIL
Yeah. You’re not going to blame this on me.

CHARLIE
This… ?

GIL
Do I have to spell it out? It’s obvious you guys have some unresolved feelings that need resolving!

KEVIN
Not now…

CHARLIE
This really isn’t the right time, or place…

GIL
Wow! You two really don’t get it do you? You can’t always schedule these things. Waiting for the right time or the right place. You guys have been doing this little dance now, for what…

KEVIN
Three years.

CHARLIE (taken aback)
Um. What?

GIL
Charlie, tell Kev how adorable you think it is when he makes the Jedi hand motion every time he walks through an automatic door…

CHARLIE
… or elevator.

KEVIN goes into “aw shucks” mode.

GIL
Kevin, tell Chuck here how cute you think it is that she hates it when I call her Chuck.

CHARLIE
There’s only one person that gets away with calling me Chuck.

KEVIN
Her Grandpa Spencer.

CHARLIE
Right.

GIL
Sometimes it’s damn inconvenient, but love can be an adventure.

CHARLIE
Oh, barf.

GIL
Right, well… I’m going to give you two a moment alone.

GIL walks off stage.

CHARLIE and KEVIN move in closer to each other, she strokes his Hawaiian shirt and chuckles.

CHARLIE
“Weird Al” Yankovic, huh?

KEVIN
“You're sort of everything I ever wanted, You're not perfect, but I love you anyhowYou're the woman that I've always dreamed of… Well, not really, but you're good enough for now…”

CHARLIE
Oh really?

KEVIN
Well, Al’s catalog generally doesn’t lend itself to these type of situations. It’s the best I could do off the top of my head.

CHARLIE
I thought it was pretty sweet… y’know as a Yanko-phile.

KEVIN
I knew I liked you for a reason.

CHARLIE
For three years, huh?

KEVIN
From the moment I saw you… I think I knew. I apologize if that sounds…

CHARLIE
Creepy?

KEVIN
“… everytime I shake your hand now, wanna stick your fingers in my mouth… “

KEVIN & CHARLIE
“Do I, Do I creep you out?”

KEVIN takes CHARLIE into his arms, she places her head on his chest.

CHARLIE
The moment you saw me?

KEVIN
You walked into that studio, with this great smile on your face and your hair was… it’s not like it was a steady thing, at first at least. Sometimes I would see you… and it was like “Oh yeah… her.” Then we got to be friends and…

CHARLIE
You thought it might be a little inconvenient?

KEVIN
Right.

CHARLIE
We have danced around this for a while haven’t we?

KEVIN
For a dumbass, Gil had some pretty wise things to say earlier.

CHARLIE
I’ve got to say I was rather surprised myself.

KEVIN
We should find a way to commemorate this day.

CHARLIE and KEVIN start to move in for a kiss… but are interrupted by:

GIL
HEY YOU GUYYYYS!

GIL runs back onto the stage wearing a Cap’n America mask & carrying an armload of stuff.
He stops and takes in the new couple.

GIL
I used to think he just had a thing for chicks with dude’s names. But I think there’s a bit more to it now.

KEVIN
There is.

CHARLIE
I know.

They move into kiss and are again interrupted by:

GIL
Look at all of this cool shit I found!

GIL drops his newfound treasures onto the floor.

CHARLIE
Great.

GIL
Fetched collectively from far-flung galaxies these 3 champions of justice… (points to self) SINGLE MINDED MAN, (Charlie) MS. SPECTACULAR and (Kevin) DELAYED REACTION MAN were brought together for the purpose of….

KEVIN
Delayed reaction man? Couldn’t I have been cool, like Spidey?

GIL
Spider-Man? Spider-Man? He does whatever a spider can? Do you think that guy would be such a braggart if he’d been bitten by a radioactive flea?

CHARLIE
How about a nuclear earthworm?

GIL
Oooh… that’d be hi-larious.

GIL begins flopping around on the floor like a boneless, segmented creature.

KEVIN
Alright Earthworm Jim, enough.

GIL bolts up, puts his cheesehead back on, picks up the Captn Jack doll and starts acting like a pirate, singing…

GIL
WHOOAAAH-WHOAA ‘TIS THE PIRATES LIFE FOR ME, I’M SAILING THE SEAS OF CHEESE…

CHARLIE
So, what do we do now?

KEVIN picks up a rope from GIL’s pile o’ stuff.

KEVIN
Let’s tie him up.

CHARLIE
That is a fantastic idea, that I can definitely get behind.

GIL stops his tomfoolery as CHARLIE and KEVIN unravel the rope.

GIL
Whoah, hey guys. No. You’re not really going to do that now are you?

CHARLIE and KEVIN start to close in on GIL each carrying an end of the rope in their hand.

GIL
Aw, c’mon you guys. No fair two against one.

GIL takes off and CHARLIE and KEVIN take off after him. The trio exits the stage in one direction, and then come running back in from that same direction… this time KEVIN has fashioned the rope into a lasso and is swinging it over his head.

KEVIN
YEE-HAWWW!

GIL
If it wasn’t for me you guys would still be moping around!

KEVIN & CHARLIE
Thanks Gil!

Fade out.

THE END

SPIDEY CONTEST ENTRIES...

2010-09-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

Only two so far...

ABSTRACT ARACHNID MAN

by lbrown21494

SPIDEY -vs- MICKEY

by bjchester

MOTHER PUS BUCKET!

2010-02-21T16:32:00.000-08:00

Mattel has finally unveiled the some more figures in their Ghosbusters collection of toys. Okay, they actually did it a couple of weeks ago at the NYC toy fair - but this blog entry is running a tad late!

I've yet to obtain any of the figures other than the 2009 SDCC 6" Exclusive Slimed Egon. So... I am a bit behind on that too. The 12-inchers are a bit out of my price range and the 12" Ray Stantz is (at this time) SOLD OUT!

At last we get to see both sculpts of Dr. Peter Venkman! It seems the initial release of the 6" Peter will be a "slimed" version - it looks like he bathed in baby food. The miniscule Venkman ships in June. The twelve-incher ships in April... hopefully... if there aren't any more delays.

Lab Coat Ray is part of the 6" line and is a variant based on the character's infamous tv commerical seen in the 1984 film. He also includes the sewer ghost from the film and will be available in August. 12" Winston Zeddemore comes in August as well... sadly he does not include "shit that will turn you white!"

Ol' dickless here is (ironically) part of the 6-inch line. Walter Peck includes the Ecto-Containment unit... unfortunately he doesn't come with a Con-Ed employee to help him shut if OFF!

Rumor has it that the first of the "Real Ghostusters" figures that Mattel is working on will be unveiled at SDCC 2010 in July.

LIVE! FROM ETERNIA IT'S...

2010-02-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

This past weekend at the New York Toy Fair a slew of new MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE CLASSICS merchandise was unveiled. All that I can say is... me want, me want!

First up the MOTUC vs DC Universe 2-packs. The great thing about these sets is that they will be available at retail! These two packs will be TOYS R US exclusives with the first one scheduled to hit stores in April. HE-MAN vs SUPERMAN is based on an issue of the DC Comics Presents from 1982. Don't fret! A reprint of "From Eternia with DEATH!" is packaged with the two figures.

He-Man's paint applications are even done to match his appearance in this early (pre-animated series) comic book.

Yellow wrist guards, pink circles on his belt!(?) A plain gray/silver axe & shield... and a yellow power sword!

A second set featuring SKELETOR vs LEX LUTHOR is also on the way.

Skeletor's paint job doesn't stray far from the way he usually looks. Though his skull appears to be yellow without the usual green highlights. Ol' skullhead also includes a yellow power sword. The win/win with this set is that the Lex Luthor figure is a version of the character I would love to add to my collection.

Rumor has it that if these are well received that there could be even more MOTUC/DC Universe 2-packs! Perhaps even a new comic book series to go with them? All of this news is enough to give me a big fat Eternian Bo-Nar!

And we're just getting started!

To your right is a look at the San Diego Comic-Con 2010 exclusive! Straight out of an episode of the hit Adult Swim show Robot Chicken it is MO-LARR: The Eternian Dentist. This two-pack includes a Skeletor figure complete with missing toofer!

You can bet that there is a lot of fanboy bitching coming with this one!

"Worst exclusive of all time..." "I hope Mattel stops screwing around and starts working on real figures like She-Ra and Whiplash..." "I wonder how true MOTU fans feel about this character... It's not MOTU... it is crap!"

*sigh* I was accused, recently, of whining in one of my PKE READINGS videos. But then I see the above comments on sites like He-Man.org and I remember what real whining is... and why I never register to participate in those kind of forums.

I, for one, am excited about this character making it into the line. I don't know if you can find a truer He-Fan than me... I've been around since the beginning pretty much. Sure, I don't own every piece of merchandise that's ever been produced... but you shouldn't have to just for the purpose of calling yourself a "true fan". Hopefully I will find a way to get my mitts on one of these sets. If you're gonna be at the SDCC this year let me know! Please.

You can watch the hi-larious Robot Chicken sketch right here!

Now this fella has an interesting origin. This simian behemoth known as GY-GOR was originally created for, but never produced during, the 80s MOTU toyline. This yellow and green monster is (believe it or not) one of the good guys! He was nothing more than a designer's sketch for many years and now he is finally on his way to collector's shelves everywhere! Monkey fans rejoice!

Optikk here is actually a character from the short-lived (1990) He-Man relaunch: The New Adventures of He-Man! Set 10,000 years into the future to the planet Primus (formerly known as Eternia). Primus is under attack by Floog and his army of mutants. In order to stop them the great minds of Primus built a time machine to find a legendary protector with "the power of the good and the way of the magic". (Ugh... that line drove me nuts, as it is repeated ad nauseam. Mind you, I never saw any of this series until a couple of years ago on DVD.) He-Man is brought to the future and of course bonehead follows him and the New Adventures begin.

I never got into the New Adventures toys, the cartoon series didn't even air in my neck of the woods. But I do remember seeing Optikk in the toy aisles. I definitely thought he was one of the cooler new characters that appeared to be included in the New Adventures line. Now I certainly plan on owning Captain Visine here with his 2 interchangeable heads... er, uh eyes. I can't wait to see how they fold the New Adventures characters into the Classics mythology. Optikk will be available in May from MattyCollector.com.

Count Marzo here was a character on the 1980s cartoon and he was featured even more prominently in the 2002 animated series. Yet, he has never been immortalized in plastic... until now. This evil sorcerer comes with his amulet (the source of his power) and his release date is still TBA. I wonder if we'll ever see a figure of him in his "old man" form?

Tytus, not to be confused with comedian Christopher Titus, is another anomoly in the MOTU line of toys. Originally created towards the end of the original toyline, this "Heroic Giant Warlord" was actually produced, very small numbers - most of which wound up making their way to Europe. The original Tytus was a colossal 18" figure that towered above the 5" figures of the vintage series of toys. This Classics interpretation of the character clocks in at 12-inches... let the fanboy bitching commence!

Who really wants more than 12-inches anyway? I can't wait to see what Mattel comes up with for that other Eternian giant - MEGATOR!

Here she is... hot on the heels of her secret identity (Princess Adora - released in January) it's the Princess of Power herself SHE-RA! The sister of Adam/He-Man includes her power sword, shield and 2 different versions of her head gear and a gorgeous pleated skirt. No OFFICIAL announcement has been made, but it is believed that She-Ra goes on sale in June.

No, he is not a member of the Na'vi race. He is KELDOR! This is Skeletor before he went all... skeletal. Keldor is half-brother to Randor and uncle to Prince Adam (aka He-Man)!?

In 3rd grade I actually wrote a story in which Skeletor turned out to be He-Man's uncle. My friend Kieth told me that it was "stupid".

Who is stupid now Kieth!? Huhhh???

WHO'S STUPID NOW??????????

Here is Skeletor's evil henchman - WHIPLASH! Wouldn't it be funny if the "real name" given in his bio turns out to be "Snidely"?

HaHaHAHaHaHaHa... *ahem* Sorry about that.

Whiplash is one of my favorite characters from both previous MOTU toylines. Making this one of the Classics figures I was most looking forward to seeing. And he does not disappoint as he includes his 80s and 2002 head sculpts.

Finally!

We have one of the greatest inventions to come along during the heyday of He-Man... the introduction of the "Weapons Pak". Apparently "pak" is the Eternian spelling of "pack". Who knew?

I sure as hell am NOT going back and changing all of the spellings of "pack" used throughout this article.

This collection of weapons (much like this updated version) featured previously molded weapons in brand new colors! And it was quite a boon for little He-Fans like myself who had lost many of their toy's weapons to either the vacuum cleaner or to the family dog.

Breakfast At Epiphany's

2009-05-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

Here is the full script for my entry in Venture Theatre's 2008 One-Act Festival... Breakfast At Epiphany's.

A dimly lit apartment. We hear commotion behind the couch a bare female arm reaches up to grab a blouse/shirt/any article of clothing will do. Then the couple emerges from behind the sofa – he squirms out the side wiggling into his pants, she stands behind the sofa buttoning up her blouse….

ALYSON
I was NOT expecting that.

PRESTON
Sorry, I didn’t mean to pounce.

ALYSON
Pounce away Tiger.

ALYSON and PRESTON continue to kiss, touch, giggle, etc.

PRESTON
It’s times like this that I don’t miss having a roommate.

ALYSON
Y’know I think that we missed our reservation.

PRESTON
We might still make it… if I can find my shoes.

ALYSON
Wherever they are at least they’re probably still in one piece, unlike my panties.

ALYSON then removes the remains of her undies from under her pants, skirt, whatever.

PRESTON
Sorry about that.

ALYSON
(sits on couch)
I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend our anniversary.

PRESTON
Good. I can’t even find the light switch, let alone my shoes.

ALYSON
It’s your apartment now silly boy. Have your heard anything from Nick?

PRESTON
I, uh… haven’t really.

ALYSON
Awww… I kinda miss the big lug.

PRESTON
Really? (pause) Ah. (turns on the light) Now close your eyes…. and hold out your hands.

ALYSON
Ooooh… presents!?

ALYSON closes her eyes and holds out her hands, palms up.

PRESTON
(places object into her hand)
You may now open your eyes.

ALYSON opens her eyes and holds her present up into the light to reveal that it is a shiny house key.

ALYSON
(surprised)
What’s this?

PRESTON
It’s a key to (gestures) OUR apartment. Or we could get a place that’s y’know less bachelor-y. (PRESTON removes bag of sports equipment from couch and sits next to ALYSON) The key is mostly symbolic.

ALYSON
Wow. This is a BIG move.

PRESTON
I know. (pause) Is someone getting a little misty-eyed?

ALYSON
A little, yeah. (pause) Three years. Can you believe it?

PRESTON
Yeah. Who’da thunk it?

ALYSON
Not me. At first I thought that you were only into silicone infested, walking blow-up dolls… like Jenna Jameson.

PRESTON
Jenna-who-now?

ALYSON
As if you didn’t know. I saw this book of hers sitting over here in your meager little library by our 4th date.

PRESTON
I will have you know that this is a signed first edition.

ALYSON
Oh, really?

PRESTON
She’s one hell of an author is all I’m sayin’.

ALYSON
A month or so ago I would have never believed this was coming. You were so distant… I thought that we were coming to an end. Then all of the sudden it was like I was falling in love with you all over again. So yes, Preston I will move in with you…. but (looks around apartment) probably not here. Even though it has been relatively cleaner lately at least until a couple of hours ago.

PRESTON
Me-OW!

ALYSON
Now, how should we celebrate?

PRESTON
We could order in OR we could…

PRESTON gets that look in his eye.

ALYSON
Oh my God, Preston! AGAIN!? Not that I am complaining mind you. Things have been so different since your birthday. You’ve really changed. First you spent the night letting me beat you on the Playstation…

PRESTON
Letting you? You beat me fair and square.

ALYSON
Oh B.S.

PRESTON
C’mon it was a new game, and…

ALYSON
And then you made me dinner on your birthday! Three years and I wasn’t even sure if you knew how to make toast. But that dinner was exquisite, romantic… and then things really started rolling after your little lap dance.

PRESTON
Was that not the greatest lap dance you’ve ever had?

PRESTON briefly, yet hilariously recreates the lap dance.

ALYSON
Until that night I was so thankful for any of those moments where you were more into me than you were into your Playstation.

PRESTON
I don’t know if I can ever make up for all of the times that I possibly broke your heart. But I’d like to try. I feel like I’ve finally snapped out of my quarter-life crisis. I realize how close I was to losing you… and how miserable I could have been without you.

ALYSON
(overwhelmed)
Oh my… Preston…

PRESTON
I know that’s a lot to take in.

ALYSON
That and I just realized that this is probably the first time since you bought that thing that you haven’t given me that schpiel about how “It’s not a Playstation it’s an X-BOX…

PRESTON & ALYSON
(in unison)
…360.”

PRESTON
Those things are of zero importance to me now and… and… Aly… I can’t keep my hands off of you.

ALYSON
(playful)
Yeah, I kinda noticed that.

PRESTON walks across the room and retrieves a wrapped condom from a drawer. He crawls onto the couch and crawls up to ALYSON’s mouth and they begin kissing.

PRESTON
(clearly in sex mode)
We wouldn’t want another pregnancy scare now would we?

ALYSON slowly opens her eyes and pushes PRESTON away.

ALYSON
Oh. My. God. Nick told you. (half-kidding) I’ll kick his butt. I trusted him to keep that a secret until I was ready. I can’t believe that he told you.

PRESTON
No I didn’t, -uh, er – he didn’t. Nick is a wonderful friend, he cares about you so much. (reassuring, caressing her face) I love you Alyson.

ALYSON
You’re not angry?

PRESTON
At you? Never.

ALYSON
I still wish that Nick had let me tell you.

Suddenly the lights dim & flicker as we hear a voice - almost as if from another dimension:

VOICE
Wish? Did somebody say wish?

ALYSON
Wha - who was that? Is there someone else here? Preston have you been filming all of this for one of your lame YouTube videos?

PRESTON goes to a drawer and removes a small box.

PRESTON
I think this will explain everything.

ALYSON
(opens the box)
A locket? It’s… not exactly something I’d wear.

PRESTON
I know it’s gaudy, hideous even, but…

The lights dim & flicker again as we hear…

VOICE
REMEMBER IT IS WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS!

ALYSON
That’s it! I don't want a gift. I want an EXPLANATION!

ALYSON throws the locket behind the couch. The lights flicker once more as we hear that otherworldly voice:
VOICE
HEY! WATCH IT!

ALYSON
Preston, what the fu -- !?

Suddenly there is a light show and loud “intro” music. A man (FONZIE) decked out in pajama bottoms and an oversized t-shirt emerges from behind the couch. His hair is tied into a ponytail atop his head and he’s eating a large bag of CHEETOS. He bends down and puts on the necklace. PRESTON and ALYSON attempt to yell over the music, but they cannot hear one another.

PRESTON
He’s a genie!

ALYSON
A w-what!?

PRESTON
I said… (frustrated) FONZIE COULD YOU CUT THE INTRO?

FONZIE snaps his fingers and the music stops.

FONZIE
So what would you little maniacs like to do first?

PRESTON
Alyson this is Fonzie.

ALYSON
Fonzie?

PRESTON
His real name is Fonzir Malaka-lama.... (*mumbles incoherently*) …I just call him FONZIE.

FONZIE
Ayyyyyy. (thumbs up)

ALYSON
Where did he come from?

FONZIE
This locket you hurled across the room is my home m'lady.

ALYSON
The locket? Wha - - how!? Prove it.

FONZIE
Prove it?

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe in you.

FONZIE
But I am standing right here.

FONZIE waves his hand in front of ALYSON’s eyes.

PRESTON
She doesn’t believe that you’re a –

ALYSON
A what? A pervert?

PRESTON
A genie.

ALYSON
A genie?

FONZIE
Yes, much like your Barbara Eden (lifts shirt) minus the attractive abdominal region.

PRESTON
You have to show her. Can you DO something to prove it to her?

ALYSON
Yeah, why don’t you do something “magical” … like conjure yourself up a six pack of abs?

FONZIE
Is that one of your wishes?

Cue the “light show”…

PRESTON
No! No! Just – y’know do a little something to prove that you have INFINITE COSMIC POWERS!

The “light show” stops.

FONZIE
It’s rather inappropriate. However… (FONZIE pulls a quarter out of PRESTON’s ear) breathtaking, no?

ALYSON
You took a quarter from his ear? Wow! My uncle Bert used to do that!

FONZIE holds the quarter up to ALYSON’S eye line.

FONZIE
Ah, but take a closer look it’s a Hawaii state quarter! These won’t even be minted until at least November of this year! Well, that was quite the squander of my abilities. Unlike this never ending bag of CHEE-tos.

ALYSON
It’s going to take a lot more than some weak parlor trick to convince me that “Fonzie” here is supernatural in origin.

PRESTON
If you would just give me a moment to illuminate…

ALYSON takes PRESTON’s hand and takes him to the couch.

ALYSON
Honey, I think you need help, professional help. I’ll be there every step of the way because I love you. I just wish that I knew what was going on with you.

ALYSON and PRESTON begin to kiss tenderly.

FONZIE
WISH? MAKE IT SO!

FONZIE claps his hands, the lights begin to dim & flicker yet again and soon a quick-cut (30 second?) montage of images pertaining to the parts of the story that have lead us here is projected onto the wall: a light switch, a key, the Hawaii quarter, Barbara Eden, cheetos, pregnancy tests, X-Box, etc.

During the montage ALYSON breaks the kiss and jumps off of couch & grabs golf club from sports bag.

ALYSON
HOLY SHIT! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON! YOU’RE NOT PRESTON!!!!

PRESTON
Please put the club down Aly. I’m not going to hurt you.

ALYSON grabs PRESTON’S face and begins pulling as if she is trying to remove a mask.

PRESTON
Ow! Ow! Ouch! What do you think this is Mission:Impossible?

ALYSON
That would explain what the hell is going on Nick. (pause) That is you isn’t it Nick?

NICK
Um, yes.

ALYSON
Oh God Nick. Why?

PRESTON
I’m sorry.

PRESTON steps towards ALYSON

ALYSON
Move another centimeter and I will go Tiger Woods on your ASS!!! Genies? Never ending bags of CHEETOS? Body swapping? WHAT THE FUCK is going on here... Pres – NICK!?

PRESTON
I LOVE you Alyson.

ALYSON
You love me? This is how you show me that you LOVE me?

PRESTON
I was convinced that it was the only way that you would ever have me.

ALYSON
Oh gawd. I had sex with you. I had lots of sex with you because I thought that you were… ughk! You had sex with me with his…

PRESTON
Yeah… the way he always talked about it I expected it to be bigger than mine.

ALYSON
(distracted)
Yours?

PRESTON and ALYSON glance down.

FONZIE
DID SOMEBODY SAY WISH? (he pauses as ALYSON glares at him) Sorry. But that is a popular request. Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge…

ALYSON
Is that what this is? Is this the result of some sick wish that you made to get into my pants?

PRESTON
It’s not just a sex thing. I’ve been crazy about you since way before Preston was in the picture.

ALYSON
So what Nick? You just decided to step in? Why didn’t you just wish for me to fall in love with you?

FONZIE & PRESTON
That is not allowed.

ALYSON
Where’s my… the real Preston?

PRESTON
He’s in my body… my old body.

ALYSON
Oh, I bet that he loves that.

PRESTON
What is that supposed to mean?

ALYSON
(pause)
How long have you been in there?

PRESTON
Since Preston's birthday.

ALYSON
How?

PRESTON
Preston and I had a tradition. On his birthday we would have breakfast at Epiphany’s.

ALYSON
Epiphany’s? Is that like IHOP?

PRESTON
Sorta…. i-it’s a strip club.

ALYSON
A strip club with a breakfast menu?

FONZIE
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PASTIES!

PRESTON
Buffet actually.

FONZIE
ALL YOU CAN EAT!

ALYSON
I see. How long have you two had this “tradition”.

PRESTON
Well, t-this was the first and only year. It was Preston’s idea.

ALYSON
These past three weeks. It’s all been you?

PRESTON
Yes. I was so afraid. Petrified actually. I didn't know HOW to explain this.

FONZIE
BOOBIES WITH A SIDE ORDER OF BACON! (pause) Too much?

PRESTON
Alyson I –

ALYSON
Wait. What does any of this have to do with a strip club buffet?

PRESTON
On our way out the door Preston recalled that you mentioned something about an “upcoming anniversary” so he decided to raid Epiphany’s lost & found box… that’s where he found the locket.

FONZIE
(singing)
HEY BIG SPENDER!!! BA-DA-DA-DA!!!

ALYSON
Typical Preston.

PRESTON
To skimp on something that obviously meant so much to you? Yeah, that was pretty typical of Preston. (PRESTON pulls a folded, crumpled up paper out of his pocket) Do you remember this?

ALYSON
(reading)
“In the event that Preston Murray does not marry me by June of the year 2010, I, Alyson Parker, will marry…” (quiet) I can’t believe you kept this...

FONZIE
Somebody watches too many “chick flicks”.

ALYSON
Nick, even if I were to honor this there is still 2 years left on it. If Preston hadn't proposed in that time frame then maybe I would have married you.

PRESTON
Aly, he was NEVER going to marry you!

ALYSON
You DON'T know that!

PRESTON
Fine. If you don’t want me you can make this all go away with one of your wishes.

ALYSON
One of my wishes?

FONZIE
Correct. As the new owner of the locket the three wishes are now to be granted to you. One down, two to go.

ALYSON
I don’t want any wishes!

FONZIE
TOO LATE!

ALYSON
And I want to make damn sure that he doesn’t use any more either!

PRESTON
Ah, well…

FONZIE
On the contrary he did not use even one of his wishes!

ALYSON
Wait. What?

FONZIE
Prest – er, uh Nick didn’t use a single one of his wishes.

ALYSON
I don’t understand. If you didn’t…

PRESTON
Preston was a little surprised when he realized what had happened.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just change it back?

PRESTON
He didn’t have any wishes left. And when I offered he -

ALYSON
What else did he wish for?

PRESTON
Well, first he wished for a never-ending supply of money. Then he wished for a multi-bedroom palace in *a-hem* Thailand.

FONZIE
Not just any palace! A multi-bedroom palace in the kingdom of hot, barely legal, sometimes illegal, anonymous SEX!

PRESTON
Oh God.

ALYSON
Couldn’t he have just bought a palace?

PRESTON
Preston was a moron.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just wish for more wishes? Or is that forbidden too?

FONZIE
Contrary to popular belief that would have been acceptable.

PRESTON
Again we’re talking about Preston here and he wasn’t bright enough to think of that.

FONZIE
Preston was GREEDY. He made his three wishes in haste instead of taking his time.

ALYSON
The money, the palace... and then… what?

PRESTON
He… he wanted out…. OUT of your relationship.

ALYSON
“Out”? He makes it sound like he was trapped.

FONZIE
That is PRECISELY how he stated it!

PRESTON
Dammit Fonzie…

ALYSON
(hurt)
Where is he now?

PRESTON
I tried to stop him, Aly. I called him insane. But he said that he wanted be a single man again. I insisted that it wasn’t all that he thought it was cracked up to be. Then he said “I wish…”

FONZIE
Your wish is my…

PRESTON
He said quote:

FONZIE
(a moment of clarity)
Ah…

PRESTON
“I wish that we could switch places!” and that is what Fonzie made happen… literally.

ALYSON
Why didn’t he just tell me that he wanted out?

PRESTON
Because he was an asshole! I think you know that Alyson. For three years I watched him ignore, mistreat and all around take you for granted. Meanwhile I became your best friend… while also falling in love with everything about you.

ALYSON
Why didn’t you use any of your wishes?

PRESTON
Alyson, if I have you I don’t need anything else.

FONZIE “fake vomits” into his CHEETOS and then he continues to eat them. PRESTON & ALYSON sit on the couch staring at the contract.

ALYSON
I should have seen it. I think I did see it. The way you held my hand, the way you’d rub my back, way you’ve looked at me recently… the the old Preston never looked at me like that, even on those rare occasions when he would utter the ‘L’ word.

FONZIE
(confused & muttering in the background)
Lemons, lesbians, light bulbs, liquor, linoleum… ?

ALYSON
I think I love you too Nick.

PRESTON & ALYSON kiss.

ALYSON
This is so… unhealthy.

PRESTON
I’m aware of that.

ALYSON
I wish that I knew the right thing to do.

FONZIE
Aaand there’s #2!

PRESTON
Oh no.

FONZIE grabs ALYSON’s head, and we get the usual fanfare: flickering lights, etc. ALYSON appears almost as if she’s being electrocuted –she hits the floor with a “thud”.

PRESTON
Jeez! Fonzie!

FONZIE perches on the back of the couch, regally, he knows what’s coming…

PRESTON
(worried)
Alyson?

ALYSON comes to and appears as if she’s had some sort of revelation.

ALYSON
I’m okay Nick…

PRESTON
You preferred Preston because he looked like this. Now I look like this. I can make you forget that Preston ever existed. So what do you say?

ALYSON
I wish…. I… wish…

Lights out.

THE END

MAD #500 & Cherry Cobbler Yoplait

2009-05-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

Issue #500 of Mad Magazine arrived in my mailbox the other day. This is the first issue to come out under the magazine's new quarterly publishing schedule.

Quite frankly most of the issue is CRAP!

There is a "Dead Celebrity Apprentice" parody that goes on for 6 pages. That's about 5 pages too long.

Frankly MAD has been a let down since they incorporated real advertisements into the magazine. It's rather confusing for this longtime reader while flipping through an issue and trying to figure out where the joke is in the DVD advertisement on the inside front cover. "Oh..."

Issue 500 does feature some nostalgic highlights. Sergio Aragones presents his 500 favorite "marginal drawings" that he's done over the past 46 years.

And each 100 issues gets it's own two page spread of memories. They probably should have dedicated more pages to this and a lot less to crap like "Dead Celebrity Apprentice".

Alred E. Rating for this issue: C-

As soon as I saw the commercial for Yoplait's Cherry Cobbler yogurt I wanted to try it. It took me a while to track it down... but I finally did.

I was surprised to see that it was one of their "thick & creamy" flavors. I do enjoy the T&C line of Yoplait Light, particularly the strawberry variety.

However this meant that the cherry cobbler would be more like a pudding or a mousse - no chunks of fruit or (what I was really hoping for) graham cracker crust bits.

I was also a little alarmed by the color. I was expecting a bright red blend when in actuality it was almost lavender in tone.

The flavor on the other hand was pleasant, with a definite hint of graham and a hearty natural cherry taste. I'll certainly be adding this one to my regular roster of yogurt flavors.

ENSLAVED IN SEATTLE

2009-04-24T02:39:00.000-07:00

Here is the full script for "Enslaved in Seattle" that I wrote in a matter of hours for Venture Theatre's 2nd Annual Wet Ink Festival. PHOTOS by Amanda Lackman.

FULL VIDEO of the production is available on youtube!

Dramatic music, “Carmina Burana” or something spookier. A robed figure walks out onto the stage, unfurls a scroll, the music fades and they begin to read:

FIGURE
Enriched flour, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, vegetable oil, cottonseed oil, palm oil and/or ascorbyl palmitate, dehydrated vegetables, chicken powder, monosodium glutamate, dextrose, potassium carbonate, sodium carbonate, sodium tripolyphosate, sodium algate, natural flavors, disodium inosinate, artificial flavors…

The spooky music resumes, our figure then dramatically places a “Cup Noodles” into a microwave and begins to start the timer… the music stops and then the figure continues to read from the scroll…

FIGURE
…manufactured in a facility that also processes milk, egg, peanuts, tree nut, fish and shrimp products.

The music resumes, the figure returns to the microwave and starts nuking the “Cup Noodles” and quickly exits the stage. The noodles continue to cook as ELIZA enters the stage. She notices the operating microwave…

ELIZA
Dammit Seth…

SETH enters.

SETH
What?

ELIZA
You left your damn cup o’ noodles going in the microwave again. How many times have I asked you NOT to leave your food unattended?

SETH
And how many times have I told YOU that they’re NOT Cup O’ Noodles… there is NO ‘O’ anywhere in the name of the product! It is simply… CUP NOODLES… thank you very much.

ELIZA
Whatever! All I know is that I’m tired of your toxic pasta cups spewing all over my clean microwave.

SETH
I’m sorry, babe.

ELIZA
I guess that I thought when you started making better money at the office that it would be the end of Cup o’ (stops herself) …uh cup noodles and macaroni dinners.

SETH
What can I say? I’m hooked. Blame my mother… she never let me have that stuff growing up. My sister Shelly and I used to call her MAMA SODIUM GLUTEMATE for the way she used to scrutenize the ingredients of everything we put in our mouths. The day I moved out of the house my first stop was the inappropriate starches aisle at the Grocery Outlet.

ELIZA
And you’ve been fattening up your tapeworm ever since.

SETH
Ha Ha. Admit it you enjoy a cup or two now and then.

ELIZA
Maybe… but only the Picante Shrimp flavor.

SETH retrieves a shrimp cup noodles from the cupboard, offstage (?).

SETH
Happy anniversary!

ELIZA
I hope you’re joking.

SETH
Well… I didn’t want to ruin the surprise… but…

ELIZA
Stop with the suspense already! Tell me.

SETH
Mom’s coming to see us.

ELIZA (clearly not pleased)
Oh.

SETH
Jeez… you don’t have to sound so elated.

ELIZA
I think I’d rather just have the cup noodles and skip this round of maternal visitation.

SETH
Aw, c’mon mom loves you!

ELIZA
Yeah, about as much as she loves top ramen.

SETH
Well, I love you.

ELIZA (sighs)
So… when is this visit?

There is a sudden knock, rapid rapping at the door.

SETH
Uh, well…

ELIZA (frustrated)
Ugh. Seth.

Without being welcome in SETH’s mother bursts into the apartment w/ her daughter SHELLY in tow.

MSG
Baby boy! Give your mother a hug!

SETH embraces his mother.

ELIZA
Hello Shelly.

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go to hell, you stupid bitch.

ELIZA
I don’t know what you just said. But somehow I don’t think that you were complimenting my shoes.

SETH
Shelly!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Brother!

They hug.

SETH
Still stuck in Espanol mode ‘eh sis?

ELIZA
Is she still hung up on marrying Antonio Banderas?

SETH
Ever since she was 14.

MSG
It was all of those repeat viewings of Evita… I knew I should have taken that DVD away from her. My poor, sweet baby girl! At least she has her mother.

ELIZA
So… uh, Seth’s mom… what brings you to the Emerald city?

MSG
Didn’t Seth tell you?

ELIZA
Tell me what?

MSG
I’m moving to Seattle!

ELIZA (shocked)
What?

SETH (sheepishly)
Surprise!

MSG
It’ll be wonderful! Shelly and I will be able to visit every weekend!

ELIZA (not thrilled)
Great.

MSG
We’ll be able to enjoy the coffee, the space needle,

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Go Seattle Super Sonics!

MSG
The sports teams, Ooh and the local art scene…

ELIZA
The high suicide rate…

MSG
What was that dear?

ELIZA
Nothing.

MSG spots the cup noodles sitting on a table.

MSG
What is this? This garbage is what you’re feeding my boy? I hope not on a regular basis.

SETH
Mom, I am perfectly capable of feeding garbage to myself. I don’t need Eliza’s help.

MSG
What you need is a gal that can cook OR at least a gal with a decent recipe collection. (to Eliza) Write this down dear…

ELIZA goes for a pen.

ELIZA
Gah! Wet… ink...

MSG
Wedding? You’re getting married? I suppose I am the last to know. Oh, god… you’re not pregnant are you?

ELIZA & SETH
NO!

SHELLY (in Spanish)
So much for the virgin bride!

SETH
And we’re not getting married either… at least not yet.

MSG starts going through the(offstage?) cupboard and unloading all of the cup noodles.

MSG
OH MY GOD… look at all of these CARBS!!! Cup o’ noodles, cup o’ noodles…

ELIZA
Um, actually its cup noodles… there is no ‘O’.

MSG
Do you know what this stuff does to your system? It just sits there… rotting away in your intestines…

SHELLY (in Spanish)
Nasty caca!

SETH
Cup noodles aren’t so evil mom. C’mon look at the packaging… you’ve got carrots, corn, peas… Remember how hard it was for you to get me to eat my peas as a kid?

MSG
My god! Listen to you… you’re like some sort of cup o’ noodles ZOMBIE!

SETH
What did you say?

MSG
Okay… I’m sorry… cup noodles.

SETH
No… the other thing… Z-

MSG
ZOMBIE!?

The spooky music starts again and SETH goes into a trancelike state. He goes “crazy” and begins throwing out unopened “Cup Noodles” into the audience. The music stops and SETH passes out onto the floor.

MSG & ELIZA go to SETH.

MSG
Seth! Oh my baby! Somebody dial 9-1-1!

SHELLY runs around w/ her cell phone repeating “9-1-1” in Spanish.

ELIZA
What are we supposed to tell them exactly? That he OD’d on cut-rate noodles?

SETH sits bolt-straight up!

SETH
Join me…. Join meeeeee…

ELIZA
Join you?

SETH
It’s beautiful here… everything smells like broth and there are 0 grams of Trans Fat… join meeeeeeeee.

MSG
I knew it! My boy is a SOUP ZOMBIE!

SETH
Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup… Much more than a soup…
Much more than a soup…

SHELLY
EAT THE NOOOOOODLES…

MSG & ELIZA turn to see SHELLY eating the noodles with her bare hands.

MSG
OH MY GOD! Shelly not you too!?

SETH rises from the floor and takes 2 fists full of noodles and begins lumbering towards his mother and girlfriend.

SETH
EAT… NOODLES… EAT… NOODLES…

The stage goes dark. When the lights come back everyone is in robes… end the show with an interpretive dance number… then they throw any remaining (unopen) noodles into the audience.

THE END

The Seven Year Itch

2008-10-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

Well... I auditioned for "Jacob Marley's Christmas Carol" at Venture. I didn't get cast. Naturally. At this point I'm pretty certain I'll never get cast in anything... at least until someone comes up with another twitchy, moaning mental patient role.

Ah well, after reading the book I think they made a mistake not doing the classic Dickens version of "Carol". It is afterall one of my favorite stories of all time. Or they could do my version... Twas the Night Before a Wonderful Christmas Carol on 34th Street.

Recently my station has started offering a weekly poll for viewers to vote for which NFL weekend games they'd like us to air.

Great idea, right?

I thought so too... when I thought of it like THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO!

*sigh* And I don't even like football.

Earlier this week it was brought to my attention that my 7 YEAR ANNIVERSARY at the station has come and gone. Ugh! What a fucking nightmare.

Recently I had a (albeit brief) flash of confidence and I sat down with a list of the schedules and shows available for both stations and I came up with my own ideas to improve upon our current "monkey with a dart board" daily lineup(s). I was so confident in the results I came up with that I forwarded them to our general manager along with some promotional ideas I also had .

Friday morning I spoke with our GM about the material I sent him. And he said that I had some "great ideas". However he also said that our current program directors does a "very good job".

Whaa--!? NO. SHE DOESN'T! That was part of my reasoning for sitting down and trying to figure out how it could be done BETTER!

My conversation with the GM ended with him telling me "Small market television is not the place to get rich." WTF!? I wasn't trying to get rich! I was trying to add something to my resume besides "button pushing monkey". I was attempting to turn our station into something besides the punchline it is to many local viewers.

I am so fucking sick of going to a job that makes me feel like coming home and simultaneously sticking my head in the oven and slashing my wrists while OD-ing on illegal narcotics.

I'm tired of giving 110% at everything and feeling nothing but pissed on... Oooh and FUDDBUCKS!

Last weekend when the station was in a constant state of CLUSTERFUCKDOM... due to the first blizzard of the year... there was an attempt to soothe my frustration with the suggestion that there might be more Fuddbucks in it for me.

Y'know I actually attempted to use some of my Fuddbucks a while back. Unfortunately I was at Rimrock Mall and the the F'bucks are only good at the Overland Ave. location. Hmmmmph... some bonus.

"Where's my golden shower?" Does Michael Scott know how to throw a baby shower or what? Last night's episode of The Office was another classic... an awkward, awkward classic. The last scene with Jim and Pam's phone messages was kind of cheesy... but I loved it.

This week TWO different Ghostbusters comics were released. The first in what may be a series of manga graphic novels from Tokyopop. And issue one of IDW's 4-issue mini series. Ghostbusters: The Other Side.

To be honest I was more interested in the "traditional" IDW series than the manga book. However after having read them both... it kind of saddens me to say that the manga was better than the IDW series.

Tokyopop's Ghostbusters: Ghost Busted. Was funny and charming, but now without it's flaws. However you can tell it was created by people who love Ghostbusters.

IDW's Ghostbusters: The Other Side is terrible. It's like rancid fan fiction. In fact I'm pretty sure there is a lot better GB fanfic out there somewhere on the internets. I'm also pretty sure that there are a couple of big name comic book creators who would do a Ghostbusters comic for FREE! Instead we get this... P.O.S.

I actually began to worry about The Other Side back in July when I read an interview with the guy who wrote it - Keith Champagne. He really didn't seem to be that big of a fan of the source material, not that you'd have to be a GIANT 'bustin fanboy to write a decent Ghostbusters tale... but this guy just didn't seem to get Ghostbusters.

The Other Side pits the Ghostbusters against a group of Ghost Mobsters. The end result is lukewarm at best.

I'd pull some examples of horrible dialogue/script issues for you guys... but I've already passed the issue on to a friend to see if he thinks it's a god awful as I do, or if I'm just being too much of a geeky fanboy.

Not to mention the Ghostbusters have already fought Ghost Gangsters... Twenty years ago (Yipes!) is issue 7 of The Real Ghostbusters comic book series.

This makes me ponder if there's anyway someone could revive the RGB property in comic book form!? Why can't they use the eternally young versions of the boys to keep telling stories for years? It wouldn't be any different then all of those seemingly ageless guys in tights and capes who have been around for sixty and seventy years.

Oh... the weather outside is spiteful...

2008-10-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! It's Captain America... ON THE ROCKS! Heh. This is a screencap from a deleted scene on the upcoming DVD release of The Incredible Hulk.

There's a point when Bruce Banner gives up on his quest for the cure and decide to kill himself. So he travels to the Arctic Circle. The result was a very dark scene, which Marvel considered to be too hard for young audiences to take.

For those of you unfamiliar with Cap's origin: sometime after WWII he winds up frozen in the arctic, decades later he is thawed out so that he can join the AVENGERS!

Speaking of the HULK dvd... wouldn't it be cool if there was a Hulk Head case like the recent IRON MAN collector's edition!? Ah... a geek can dream. Can't he? The Incredible Hulk hits DVD on October 21st.

I had the weekend from HELL at the tv station. A 12 hour shift that felt more like THIRTY-SIX.

I lost a good chunk out of one of my fingers on the fence outside the station while I was attempting to sweep snow off of the satellite dishes at work. I swear there's a nice slab of Travis meat still hanging outside the station.

Not to mention I fell... TWICE! If I had twisted my leg or cracked my head open I would been stuck laying in the snow until about 9 in the morning when the new guy showed up.

Let's see... the phone rang every 5-10 minutes between the Miles City transmitter, the douche from Dish TV calling and bitching about the audio, our engineer having to go up and work on the iced over KSVI transmitter.... Argh!

To top it off the new guy comes in bitching about how he's "so sick". FUCK YOU! I've never even been able to use a sick day without getting a major fucking guilt trip & this includes the time I spent 5 days in the hospital. And newbie sure as hell wasn't letting his illness prevent him from going out for a cigarette every 5 minutes.

Then the new guy proceeds to bitch about his wife and how I should "avoid getting married at all costs". DOUBLE FUCK YOU!

*sigh*

After the e-mails I sent out to my supervisors about how I thought my talents might be put to better use... who knows if I'll even have a job at the station much longer.

Kind of scary. But it would also kind of be a relief.

When I got home from work the POWER WAS OUT! Hallelujah! I was actually kind of relieved to NOT have to deal with technology for a while.

Dad got an update from the doctors. It seems they were rather puzzled by what they found and had to send their findings out of state for further studies! Apparently he has some extra PROTEIN deposits growing inside his lungs. WTF!?

Apparently this is rare enough that they can't just look it up in some medical book.

The Apocalypse? Sweet!

2008-10-06T14:10:00.001-07:00

The Umbrella Academy is difficult to summarize without sounding outlandish. I suppose this is part of its appeal. Part X-Men, part Wes Anderson flick.

The Umbrella Academy starts with the birth of "forty-three extraordinary children", born on the same day at exactly 9:38 pm, mostly to unwed mothers who showed no sign of pregnancy in seemingly random locations around the world . The children who survived were all either abandoned or put up for adoption.

Enter, Sir Reginald Hargreeves a.ka. The Monocle. He adopts as many of the children as he can find (seven) and shows them so much love that he doesn't even bother to name them!

The Umbrella Academy has all the absurdity, vibrancy, and energy of 1950s or 60s-era comic book. In the first issue when the Eiffel Tower, commandeered by Zombie-Robot Gustave Eiffel, attacks Paris before blasting off into space, it's baffling and hilarious at the same time. And when an appreciative Parisian mayor gives the kids the key to the city and declares "ice cream for everyone" immediately afterward, the tone and pace are set for the series.

Issue 1 ends with this note, which made me incredibly giggly upon reading it:

This is the end of the first part of the Umbrella Academy adventure: Apocalypse Suite. There are five more chapters to the series, with twenty-two pages per chapter, totaling one hundred and thirty-two pages, there are seven members of the Umbrella Academy, and Seventy-Two names on the Eiffel Tower. There is no connection between these numbers.

The Umbrella Academy was created and is written by Gerard Way (lead singer of My Chemical Romance). Instead of doing a tradional "on going" series, Umbrella Academy is being presented as an infinite series of mini-series.

The first six issues, dubbed "The Apocalypse Suite", are avaiable in a handy trade paperback. The next ssix-parter titled "Dallas" begins next month.

I highly recommend this book for hardcore OR casual comic book readers. Especially those who have recently boarded the ol' Watchmen bandwagon.

Yeah, cuz believe it or not... Rumor has it.... (Ha! You'll get that when you've read the book!) that Umbrella Academy has been optioned by a "major Hollywood studio".

"Thar she blows! A hump like a snow hill! It is Moby Dick!"

2008-09-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

A little sneak peek at the EWE-NIBOMBER for y'all. He is just one of the six characters that will be featured in Series 1 of the F. EWE BUDDIES!

Universal pictures announced a big budget reimagining of Herman Melville's classic literary tale 'Moby Dick' with Russian director Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted) to work from a screenplay being written by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage. Some of the changes that are being planned for the new version of Melville's tale:

Gone is the first-person narration by the young seaman Ishmael, who observes how Ahab's obsession with killing the great white whale overwhelms his good judgment as captain.

This change will allow them to depict the whale's decimation of other ships prior to its encounter with Ahab's Pequod, and Ahab will be depicted more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive.

"Our vision isn't your grandfather's 'Moby Dick,' " Cooper said. "This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story."

B-but what if I want my grandfather's 'Moby Dick'? Um... wait... that sounds extraordinarily bad.

Changing Ahab from a brooding obsessive to a charismatic leader!? WTF? The whole book is about OBSESSION!?

Of course ya wanna know something really sad? The only reason I even know the quote that I used in my subject title is because it was engraved on my brain by an old tv commercial for "Classics Illustrated" (comic book versions of classic books) that ran adnauseum when I was a kid.

It Looks Good On Ewe!

2008-09-21T23:46:00.001-07:00

Yeah... so that's happening.

Yup.

F. Ewe Buddy t-shirts series one!

Six characters, multiple shirt styles, perhaps some coffee mugs, mouse pads and other goodies? We shall see.

There will also be Planet Bierwagen and Mel & Al Gordon tees... once those comics get started.

Flash of Genius looks like a fascinating movie. I kind of wish that I hadn't read all about the TRUE story in the latest issue of GEEK Monthly. Damn you Greg Kinnear!

Flash of Genius depicts the true story of college professor and part-time inventor Robert Kearns' (Greg Kinnear) long battle with the U.S. automobile industry. When Bob invents a device that would eventually be used by every car in the world, the Kearns think they have struck gold. But their aspirations are dashed after the auto giants who embraced Bob's creation unceremoniously shunned the man who invented it. Ignored, threatened and then buried in years of litigation, Bob is haunted by what was done to his family and their future.

Flash of Genius opens October 3rd.

My SAVED BY THE BELL 2008 youtube video has generated almost 400 views in a relatively short time. I guess all you need to do is throw in some pole dancing and a little girl on girl action to make your videos a hit! I also find it amusing that both the comments left on it are about how big of a bitch "Jessie" is.

For some reason it also highly amuses me when someone goes through all of the trouble to leave a youtube comment and all it amounts to is an "LOL".

NEW How I Met Your Mother & Heroes tonight... WHOO-HOO! Though I don't know if I'm too excited about Heroes... but I'll give season 3 a shot.